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April 12, 2013

I just think I'd be your perfect girlfriend.

I've just been thinking a lot about that text message you sent me three moths ago about how I'm really great, but we may be looking for different things, and I just realized that maybe you didn't totally get a chance to know me, and, like, if you knew these things, then you'd basically be crazy not to want me to be your girlfriend.

So: Reasons Why I Would Be An Awesome Girlfriend.

1. I'm like, super busy, and I'm a really light sleeper so you can just have keys to my place and come over, and that's like totally fine. Do you, ya know?

2. My dad is super rich. I mean, that's more for you than me. But...vacations!

3. I keep it tight.

4. I mean, I know this is totally getting ahead of ourselves, but your lease is ending in October and I did the math and it would only cost, like, 400 bucks a month for you to move in with me. And I have SO many closets!

5. We're both tall, and pretty, and our styles really blend, so if we were, like, walking home from brunch or wahteve,r people would probably look at us and be a little jealous, which is awesome for our self esteems.

6. I know this is nuts, but I, like, genuinely enjoy performing oral sex. And we didn't get far enough in our courtship for you to get one, but I promise you, it's great. A lot of different guys have told me so. And it would happen all the time.

7. I like what you like.

8. Did I mention I'm a legacy at three ivy league schools???

9. I naturally don't grow very much body hair.

10. I have a wine fridge.

Anyway, you have my number, and you know where I live (obviously), so I'm just going to leave a spare key with my doorman. I'm taking an Ambien now ;-)