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Published August 17, 2008 More Info »
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Published August 17, 2008

I was coming out of the grocery store yesterday when my eyes were drawn to a colorful bit of advertising, created especially for impressionable children and adult children such as myself.

It was a gumball type machine. But instead of a treat for my ol' taste buds, this machine was promising something very different.

It seems that for the minor sum of two quarters, I could find myself in possession of a ball of green slime, in the shape of a puffer fish. The advertisement stated that this ball of slime could be pulled, squished, smashed, walked on, driven over, practically anything but diced, and it would then return to its original shape.

As you can imagine, I wasted no time. Down went the groceries, out came the fifty cents.

My goo came in a sealed plastic bag, inside a hard plastic bubble. Both were discarded into the back seat (graveyard of cups, bags, napkins, notes, .....).

There in my hand was the slime. I pulled it. I squished it. I smashed it against the windshield. Every time, as promised, my slime returned to its pufferfish shape.

My enjoyment lasted about fifteen seconds.

The ad was unclear as to whether my slime was biodegradable, so I passed up the window and threw the slime, like its former plastic fortress, into the back seat.

With the slime now gone from my life, I was left with a simple question: What the fuck?

Somewhere in this great world of ours, there is a factory.

In this factory are machines, conveyor belts, bells, whistles, boxes, managers, laborers, forklift operators, timecards, lunchbreaks, paydays, sexual innuendos among co-workers, the same things that are in millions of factories around the globe.

This factory, however, is dedicated to making small balls of green slime in the shape of pufferfish. Massive amounts are produced. Molds have been developed specifically for this product. Another machine has been developed specifically for packaging this product.

This boggles my mind.

Somewhere someone developed this product. They saw a market. They acquired a patent. They pitched their idea to board members. Many, many minds have come together to agree that this product must be mass produced and shipped.

I am a skilled carpenter.

I have built thousands of homes.

I make my own cabinets.

I just built a homeless shelter.

I have many years of experience.

I am still poor.

Somewhere out there, however, some guy is rich from making little balls of green slime in the shape of pufferfish.

Fuck you, asshole.

 

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