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Published June 28, 2013

Obama in AfricaImage by SAUL LOEB

DAKAR, Senegal — While standing on the platform where slaves were shipped off to America, President Obama said "The lightbulb kind of went on." He added, "All the Southern whites in Congress, they're descended from the same assholes who bought and sold people from Africa."
 
President Obama described his new plan on the deck of a fully restored slave transit ship.
 
"Today I'm announcing a new plan to sell Southern white people to African countries. They will be transported in period-accurate ships from ports in Georgia and Mississippi. Now, we won't be able to fit as many 300 pound lard-asses in these old ships, but we're committed to making as many trips as necessary."
 
President Obama's announcement was cheered around the world, including every American state outside the former Confederacy. Al Franken praised the plan as "a win-win for everyone who doesn't fly the Confederate flag. We get rid of those hateful ignoramuses, and they finally pay restitution for their sins against humanity! I can't imagine a more elegant solution."
 
Obama added further details. "Some thought 40 acres and a mule would prove adequate restitution. That never even happened! And there's this thing called interest. So the way I figure it, white Southerners owe 40 years of indentured servitude to a black family in Africa. After that, y'all come back now, ya hear?"
 
Nancy Pelosi seemed enthusiastic about the impact on Congress. "We'll finally be able to get something done! Say goodbye to obstructionism and say hello to representative democracy. Oh, and cheap handbags from Africa!"
 
"I used to believe in One America," Obama said. "But my time in Washington has taught me there won't be One America until these white Southern assholes are crying in their pork rinds on the way to Africa to serve penance for their fucked-up racist attitudes and segregationist bullshit."
 
"If you're a white Southerner, expect to be rounded up in the coming weeks. Now, to be fair, I was going to limit this to certain individuals, but then I said fuck it, take 'em all!" Obama added with smile. "Boats will be leaving for Africa as soon as July 4th. That's right, America will finally celebrate its independence from you! The tyranny and the bullshit is over."
 
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