"Today I'm announcing a new plan to sell Southern white people to African countries."
DAKAR, Senegal — President Obama has announced an audacious new plan to resolve centuries of conflict in America over the issue of race.
Obama outlined his plan on the deck of a fully restored slave transit ship.
"Today I'm announcing a new plan to sell Southern white people to African countries. They will be transported in period-accurate ships from ports in Georgia and Mississippi."
"Now," he added, "We won't be able to fit that many 300 pound lard-asses in these old ships, but we're committed to making as many trips as necessary."
President Obama's announcement was cheered around the world, including every American state outside the former Confederacy.
Nancy Pelosi seemed enthusiastic about the impact on Congress. "We'll finally be able to get something done! Say goodbye to obstructionism and say hello to representative democracy. Oh, and cheap handbags from Africa!"
"I used to believe in One America," Obama said. "But my time in Washington has taught me there won't be One America until these white Southerners go to Africa to serve penance for their messed up racist attitudes and segregationist crap."
"Now, to be fair, I was going to limit this to certain individuals, but then I said screw it, take 'em all!" Obama added with smile. "If you're a white Southerner, expect to be rounded up in the coming weeks."
The president was asked how long white Southerners would have to spend in Africa.
"Some thought 40 acres and a mule would prove adequate restitution. That never even happened," Obama explained. "And there's this thing called interest. So the way I figure it, white Southerners owe 40 generations of servitude to a black family in Africa. After that, y'all come back now, ya hear?"