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25 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE ROYAL WEDDING!

 

1. The Royal Wedding will include all aspects of a traditional one.

 

There will be:

 

Something old (Queen Elizabeth)

Something new (3-D technology)

Something borrowed
 (Kate Middleton’s English accent is “on loan” from a homeless drifter)

Something blue (Prince William’s balls)

 

2.  President Obama was not invited to the Royal Wedding because, well, old British people are racist.

 

3. At press time, Prince Harry had not yet decided if he was going to be wearing “Mussolini” or “Pol Pot”.

 

4. In America, coverage of the Royal Wedding will begin at 3 am EST. Doctors have prescribed watching to cure your insomnia.

 

5. Despite being English, the Pet Shop Boys were not asked to perform at the Royal Wedding.

 

6. Colin Firth’s speech was cut during rehearsal because it took too long.

 

7. Kate and William were actually married two years ago by a Gary Coleman impersonator.

This time, it’s pretty much for show.

 

8. Male arm bruising is expected to go up worldwide, as during the telecast, every fiancée in the world will slap their guy and say, “Why can’t I have THAT?!”

 

9.  On April 29, social class-ism will pretty much be divided into “Those Watching The Royal Wedding” and “Those Watching Fast Five”.

 

10. Prince Harry has said, when he eventually gets married, the coverage will be dubbed  “Royal Wedding 2: Ecletic Booga-loo, ha ha, I just said loo. What up, this a shout out to my girl Ke$ha and my main warlock Charlie. Winning, am I right?”

Then he threw up everywhere.

 

11. After the wedding, expect Prince Charles to stand in front of a banner that says “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.” (Doesn’t he look like BUSH?!)

 

12. The rule in which British guards may not laugh, smile or talk will be lifted for one hour so they can participate in a dance-off.

 

13. Author J.K. Rowling was not invited to the wedding because Queen Elizabeth stated, “ I am tired of that bitch bragging she is richer than me. She just writes about kids doing magic and stupid s--- like that, let’s see her try to run a whole f---ing country!” 

Then she threw up everywhere.

 

14. Expect the bridesmaids to say the word “pasty” a lot, because they are jealous of Nicolas Sarkozy’s hot wife. 

 

15. For one day, “scone’d” will be a word. As in, “You wanna  go get scone’d?”

 

16. Guy Ritchie is attending the Royal Wedding. He said told reporters, “Yep, I’m really excited about it, because I’m actually from the UK, unlike some wannabes who were born in MICHIGAN!”

 

17. The service will be catered by the Royal Household even though Prince William asked his grandmother could they please, PLEASE , have McDonald’s.

 

18. A company in Liverpool developed a “Royal Wedding” app that provides users with details and frequent updates on the ....oooooh Angry Birds: Rio!!!

 

19. A lot of Prince Harry’s friends asked, “Who’s Westminster Abbey? Is she hot? Is she single?”

 

20. Prime Minister Berlusconi asked, “How old is she?”

 

21. On the Royal Wedding Facebook event, the Swiss ambassador clicked “Maybe attending”.

 

22. A British soldier was banned from attending because he launched a tirade against William and Kate on Facebook. But, if he didn’t really want to be there, that’s not really a punishment...

 

23. Snooki has said she plans on attending , and getting “Royally Smashed”, and she made that joke 1,362 times.

 

24. Jay Z and Beyonce  may be performing at the Royal Wedding. William is excited, because he has 99 problems although a bitch is not one of them, but Kate is disappointed, as she is no longer a single lady and cannot put her hands up.

 

25. When asked how he’s feeling about the royal wedding, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh,  responded, “Royal Wedding. Great picture. Yep, Fred Estaire, Jane Powell. Oh boy, she’s a looker. I saw that one in 1951 in the theatre. You know, back then, movies were only a pound each! And they didn’t have any of the hogwash they do today!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

26.  Then he threw up everywhere. 

 

@TheMichaelLake

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