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Published April 19, 2012

After receiving uniformly glowing press and being crowned Empress of Everything by the Pope of Comedy, Judd Apatow, HBO's "Girls" debuted to less than Messianic ratings, pulling in less than a million viewers and strengthening Carrie Bradshaw's deathgrip on premium cable womanhood. Chastened, "Girls" picks itself up off the bathroom floor and explains what happened:

1.     Like any respectable hipster, claims it wasn't really trying, doesn't need your approval

2.     Wildly overestimated the mass appeal of people with body fat feigning intercourse in HD

3.     Parents cut off funding for a capable editor, color correction, narrative drive

4.     Took mushrooms, screamed something about HBO ignoring women unless they're sassy avatars for gay men, blacked out, forgot the point it was trying to make

5.     Conceded it should've taken the network note and just made everyone vampire nymphos

6.     Didn't perform as well as it would have because it had just started its period and felt bloated and self-conscious that day

7.     Doesn't care if this hobby tanked, is focusing on its Instagram memoir right now

8.     Purposely failed to avoid stealing the "voice of my generation" title from Taylor Swift, who will cut a bitch, with song

9.     Because FUCK YOU, PATRIARCHAL RATINGS-GATHERING METHODS

10.  Threw up its hands and admitted that its characters were all thoroughly, purposely unlikable

 

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