NBA: Boston Celtics guard Delonte West is at it again. It was correctly rumored last year that he had sex with Lebron James' mother. In an apparent attempt to once again throw King James off his game, Delonte has slept with James' estranged father. This would conflict with reports that he's dating Ray Allen's mom. But it could be an open relationship. Elsewhere: A new Walt "Clyde" Frazier sex tape has hit the internet. In the video, calm and cool Clyde, can be heard commentating throughout intercourse. A few excerpts from the racy video, "That's stupendous and tremendous...oohh ya...provocative display...uhh ya...postin and toastin...that's it...penetrating and gyrating...BOOMTOWN!".
MLB: When one era ends (the Steroid era) and new era begins (the hemorrhoid era). What was mistaken for player enthusiasm on the top step of the dugout, was nothing more than a lot of sore assholes. Elsewhere: Derek Jeter's herpes lying dormant, but waiting to strike when you least expect it.
NCAA: College basketball announcer Verne Lundquist has come out of the closet. He finally admits, what we already knew, that he is in fact a troll. He lives under a bridge and everything. When asked to comment he said, "At least I'm not retarded like Kenny Albert". Elsewhere: In an effort to draw more fans, College Softball officials have ruled in favor of adding a thunderdome in left field.
NFL: With the 7th pick in last weekend's NFL Draft, the San Francisco 49ers selected Jimmy Marcus of Westfield, New Jersey. Odd selection considering Marcus has never played organized football in his life. When asked why they selected Marcus, San Francisco General Manager Trent Baalke said, "He seemed like a super nice dude. Great guy. Kinda guy you'd want in foxhole with ya."
NHL: David Krejci of the Boston Bruins was whistled for a 5 minute game misconduct for reaching into an opposing player's chest and ripping out his heart.