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January 17, 2018

"He scored a perfect thirty out of thirty on being babysitter material."

A Statement from Dr. Ronny Jackson,
White House Physician:

Good evening.

I would like to follow yesterday’s report on the president’s exceptional physical and mental health by adding that, after thorough examination, I have also found Gary Busey in excellent condition to supervise, protect, and discipline your children while you go out for the evening. In fact, I wholeheartedly recommend leaving your children alone in a house with Mr. Busey for an entire weekend or even longer.

I checked Mr. Busey’s responsibility for children of all ages and found him in excellent condition to care for teenagers, pre-teens, elementary students, pre-schoolers, and especially infants. I found him clinically unlikely to put his face mere inches from theirs and scream what can best be described as loud dying animal noises before whispering about his ability to read minds and/or eat souls.

There is no reason to expect anything bad to happen to them based on Mr. Busey neglecting your precious little ones, throwing household items in their general direction, or just shaking them as hard as he can in a moment of inexplicable impulse. In my medical opinion, it is extremely unlikely that he would give your children actual swords or that he would light a bonfire in your living room and then immediately take a nap in your tub.

Upon his request, I screened Mr. Busey for potential traumatizing impact on small children. He scored a perfect thirty out of thirty on being babysitter material. He is, like, really sensible and a very stable chaperone.

You may ask why I, a White House physician, would be carrying out an evaluation of Gary Busey’s ability to babysit and then making this announcement, but after seeing my report on President Trump, Mr. Busey rushed to find me and was insistent I do so.