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December 18, 2015

All my accolades.

1988: Braunstein-Weiner Family Reunion, “Best Toddler” (Third Place)

1996: New York Youth Karate Open, Silver Medal Winner–Pity Division

1998: Crowned Syracuse, New York’s “Mr. Syracuse” (Succeeded previous winner after all other entrants were swept away in a tornado)

2002: Nottingham High School’s “Most Likely To Still Mention Ten Years After He Graduated That He Won An Award From His High School”

2003: Braunstein-Weiner Family Reunion, “Coolest Teen” (Nominee)

2005: University at Buffalo’s Japanese Language Department’s “Least Pervy Caucasian Student” (Runner Up)

2007: Dissent Magazine’s “Op-Ed Of The Year" for my essay “Iraq War? More Like Iraq Bore.”

2009: Named official model for Marianne, the female embodiment of the French Republic*

2010: Recipient, The Richard R. & Nina T. Smoot Award For Extraordinary Achievement In The Field Of Sitting Quietly

2012: American Society Of Wig And Toupée Dealers’ first-ever Sam Weiner Award for Real Hair That Looks Like A Toupée

2014: Nobel Laureate For Crying During Every Episode of The Flash

2015: Braunstein-Weiner Family Reunion, “Saddest Adult” (Winner)

*Awarded in error