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January 26, 2011

An in-depth scientific study on how to reduce the "Suck" quotient of the Pro Bowl.

It’s that time of year.  Everyone is starting to get the hype machine rolling once more for the upcoming battle that will be Super Bowl XLV. 

 However, before we get to the Super Bowl we are now subjected to the Sub-Par bowl, which is popularly referred to as The Pro Bowl.  Although to be honest, most of the time it’s not referred to at all.  And it’s hardly popular. 

The Pro Bowl – long-suffering in the ratings game, is the NFL’s version of the show “Joey” that bombed so stupendously in the mid-2000?s, has gotten none of the usual rave-reviews and high ratings that the NFL is used to.  So they changed things around.  Placing the Pro Bowl in the week prior to the Super Bowl the NFL hoped it would revitalize a particularly tired all-star game.  They were wrong.  It still sucks.

Now that I’ve gotten all that griping out of the way, here are 10 ways the Pro Bowl could be improved:

#1.  Have it Announced by Homeless Guy from Cleveland

And not the good homeless dude from Cleveland, either.  I mean just a random homeless dude from Cleveland.  Get him a fifth of cheap-as-dirt vodka, a microphone and stick Joe Buck into the booth with him.  Hell, he couldn’t be much worse than working with Tony Siragusa as a sideline reporter.

I can only imagine the look on Buck’s spray-tanned face when his color commentator attempts to pronounce Ndamukong Suh’s name with a mouthful of Barton’s.

#2.  Make a Backup QB play with a strained MCL

There has been a great deal of debate about Jay Cutler’s knee injury in the NFC championship game.  Was it a serious problem?  Or was it an “injury?”

While Cutler stewed on the bench, looking like a frat boy who had just found out his keg was tapped, his toughness was questioned repeatedly by former and current players.

So let’s settle it.  Let’s give a massive stipend to a lame duck QB and let him take a hammer to the knee and step onto the field and see what he’s got.

I personally volunteer Chase Daniels.  And, yes, I also volunteer myself and my hammer.

#3.  Let Players Tweet During the Game

And I don’t just mean let them tweet from the sidelines.  I mean literally let the players tweet while in the game.  Let Philip Rivers tweet from the huddle: @Dwaynebowe go deep man. Bout 2 gt in da ndzone son.  :)   ttyl.

#4.  Make Deion Sanders Wear a Normal Suit While Covering it for NFL Network

Deion normally dresses like a mixture of Craig Sager & Bozo the clown.  Prime Time looks more like he stepped on a land-mine full of ’70s pimp-clothes shrapnel and he was gored by lime, teal, and other citric disasters.

I can only imagine how uncomfortable such a flamboyant d-bag would feel being forced to wear normal clothing.  It would be like making a skateboarder change out of pants that show off his package’s silhouette and into something that has a shred of dignity. 

Deion such a flashy, prima donna that he might simply spontaneously combust in HD.  Now that is something I’d tune in for.

#5.  Dunk Contest on Goalposts

Every year it seems like there’s some current NFL player that is a former basketball player and has taken their freakish size and hops to a whole new level.  I say, let’s take this idea and morph it into a slam dunk contest on the goalposts. 

Can’t you just see Julius Peppers getting back to his roots as a North Carolina player and throwing down thunderous jams that nearly tear the goalposts from the ground?  It would be the only time anyone’s cared enough about the Pro Bowl to tear down the goalposts, that much is for sure.

#6.  60 meter dash

It seems that there’s constantly a debate on who the fastest player is in the NFL.  I know that we can look at 40 times, game footage, and in some cases even times run on the track.  But I think that what we need is some closure. 

Is Chris Johnson as fast as he looks?  I’d love to watch him sprinting through the night air, dreads flashing like a combination of Lil Wayne and The Predator monster from the movies and having an all-out showdown against Devin Hester, Mike Wallace, and Jamaal Charles.

#7.  4×60 Meter Fat Man Relay

In the same vein as the above-mentioned 60, few things are funnier than watching a fat dude haul ass.  B.J. Raji proved that and more this past weekend as he rumbled into the endzone and onto the richter scale on his way to a touchdown. 

I think that what we need is a relay, pitting these goliaths of girth against one another in a short sprint.  Cullen Jenkins, Haloti Ngata, Raji, and Pat Williams would be a great start.

#8.  Have Dog The Bounty Hunter Play 4 Downs as Middle Linebacker

Dog the Bounty hunter is synonymous with Hawaii.  Which sucks for Hawaii, but I think that the least the NFL could do would be to let his old, decrepit ass get out on the field and try to transfer some of that tough guy mentality to the turf. 

While the uniforms are usually pretty cool looking, Dog would only play in his patented pleather vest and MP3-equipped sunglasses.  (*Author’s note: Beth could play O-line, potentially, if she wouldn’t be too worried about ruining her 17-inch nails.)

#9.  Have Brett Favre & Jenn Sterger Work Together as a Sideline Reporting Duo

In a game like this, the NFL is inevitably tasked with keeping the watchers interested in their broadcast in other ways.  The football usually isn’t good enough.  So why not pair up the NFL’s latest “odd couple” and turn them into the funniest “odd (due to pending legal investigations into sexting allegations) couple?” 

If Favre can’t make it, plan B would definitely be his Deanna Favre pairing up with Sterger to shatter the on-air record for stony silences and death-lazer-stare-downs.

#10.  Have Shane Lechler Walk to the 50-yard Line. . .

And punt “Papa” John Schnatter square in the jewels.  He deserves to be punished for his horrible ads that we, who watch hours of NFL coverage, are constantly subjected to and this moment alone would triple the watchability of the Pro Bowl.