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July 28, 2016

Oh God. There's so much blood. I'm so fucking sorry.

Oh God. Fuck.

I’m so sorry.I’m so fucking sorry. I had no idea it would go like this.

I just wanted to join in on the fun. I thought I could get some retweets, maybe a few extra followers. I livetweeted the People’s Choice Awards, and that seemed to go well enough! Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

These last few days, I have seen some shit. I watched Martin O’Malley get sliced clean in half. I watched Chelsea Clinton use Mayor de Blasio’s corpse as a human shield. I watched Representative John Lewis try to push his own intestines back into his stomach. It was like that scene in Saving Private Ryan, except with patriotic balloons and Lenny Kravitz.

Well, Lenny Kravitz’ dismembered torso.

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Even the Bernie supporters that walked out when Hillary was nominated weren’t safe. I saw one protester- the only thing holding his face together was the “Silenced” tape across his mouth. I can’t- oh god. I think I’m gonna be sick.


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Then came the content aggregators.

Slate’s “You Have to See These Brutal Twitter Smackdowns of the DNC.” Buzzfeed’s “These 13 DNC Tweets Are So Savage They Are Technically International Human Rights Violations.” Huffington Post’s “If You Only Do One Thing Today, Read These 598 Completely Merciless Tweets About The DNC, Or Drink Water.” Above Ground Pool Quarterly’s “4 Tweets That Mention Above Ground Pools.”

My greatest dream became my worst nightmare. I went… I went viral.

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For every “Twitter Roundup” those jackals featured my tweets in, there were hundreds of mangled bodies. I saw Elizabeth Warren try to bleach her eyes with Biden’s flask of Everclear. I saw Senator Chuck Schumer’s viscera shot out of a confetti cannon. Sean Hannity’s dickhole imploded.

I never wanted anything like this to happen. The Democrats just wanted to turn states blue. I made the streets of Philadelphia run red. Like, with blood. Like, there is a rising tide of blood in the Wells Fargo Center, carrying only pantsuits and flag pins to the top.

I guess, before all this, I sort of thought of myself as a truthteller, you know, someone who’s not afraid to cast a light upon the rampant corruption and cronyism that is modern politics. Especially when that truthtelling is incentivized by those sweet, sweet favs and RTs. That’s the best kind of truthtelling. Topical and with memes.

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However, if I had known my tweets would have resulted in a massacre that killed nearly half of our nation’s politicians, some mid-level celebrities, and a lot of people with homemade signs, I would have never even downloaded Twitter. I wish I could take them all back, even the ones with more than 500 retweets more than 300 retweets.

God, if you still exist after the horrors I’ve seen, please, don’t let anything like this happen ever again. Take me back to a simpler time, when America was a little less divided, and we could all gather around the TV, take out our phones, and viciously make fun of Kaley Cuoco hosting the 38th Annual People’s Choice Awards.

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