or

 

 

ASHEVILLE- Charlie Papazian of the Examiner called Beer City USA poll voting a tie, giving Asheville its fourth consecutive title and handing Grand Rapids, Mich. its first. Each city received 17,849 votes out of the 55,926 votes cast in the Beer City USA poll.

 

However, each city’s mayor says not so fast. Asheville mayor Terry Bellamy and Grand Rapids mayor George Heartwell are determined to crown a sole city Beer City USA 2012.

 

Charlie Papazian is no Clarence Thomas

“We asked Charlie to enact the mandatory recount clause immediately and he refused. To just slap participatory democracy in the face like that is frankly disgusting,” said Heartwell. “We haven’t seen a violation of democracy like that since Bush v. Gore. And Charlie frankly isn’t no Clarence Thomas, if you know what I’m saying.”

 

Heartwell and Bellamy announced Sunday how they would resolve the Beer City USA tie. Heartwell and Bellamy will engage in a game of Edward Fortyhands to decide which city will be crowned Beer City USA 2012.

 

“I know Asheville won. Charlie just wanted more hits to his website so he declared the vote a supposed tie to appease beer lovers from Grand Rapids. I can’t believe Charlie would engage in such blatant voter suppression and fraud,” said Bellamy. “I already lost one election this month, I won’t lose another one.”

 

Bellamy lost a bid for Congress to N.C. Rep Patsy Keever in the District 10 Democratic primary on May 8th. Bellamy will look to secure her first May win in an election by defeating Heartwell in a game of Edward Fortyhands.

 

Edward Fortyhands is a drinking game in which each player duct tapes a 40-ounce beer to each of their hands and may not remove them until the beer has been consumed. Bellamy and Heartwell will continue to tape additional 40-ounce beer containers to their hands and consume them until one of them urinates, vomits, or passes out. The mayor left unsoiled and conscious will win its city the Beer City USA title.

 

Bellamy is seeking her first win this month

“Being a politician is about standing up for the constituents. The Asheville Convention and Visitors Bureau put in hours of sweat and tears to make Asheville the beer city it is,” said Bellamy. “I will not let Grand Rapids win Beer City USA when they only have ten local breweries and we have 14. Edward Fortyhands is not only my calling, but my civic responsibility and duty as a politician.”

 

The mayors flipped a coin to determine the location of the Edward Fortyhands throw down. Bellamy won the coin flip and the two politicians will throw down at The Get Down, a bar in West Asheville 8:00 p.m. May 30th. Tickets to the event are $5 and proceeds will go to the Asheville Mountain Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependency.

 

Heartwell believes Grand Rapids is the rightful winner of Beer City USA, but won’t respond to Bellamy’s subtle shots.

 

“I will let my drinking do the talking,” said Heartwell. “My mouth has landed me in trouble recently, let’s just settle this on the bar.”

 

George will battle his own forces of darkness May 30th

Heartwell apologized this last Wednesday after calling those who opposed Planned Parenthood “forces of darkness.” Heartwell has been training for the Edward Fortyhands throw down by drinking a beer every time he has received a phone call from the media seeking comment on his recent comments about those who opposed Planned Parenthood.

 

The two mayors have yet to determine what type of beer they will be consuming when they face off.

 

“I think it’s only fair for both city’s beers to be represented,” said Bellamy.

 

The Bellamy campaign refused to reveal how Bellamy is preparing for the throw down.

 

“She can keep her secrets if she wants to,” said Heartwell. “Just let her know I’m coming for her. Grand Rapids will be performing the discount double check when I’m done with her.”

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