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September 08, 2011

Seriously, I know how to totally save the day here guys...

I know you've been thinking about it too, don't lie to yourselves.
"What would happen if I found myself in a hostage situation? What would I do?"

I know exactly what the fuck I'd do.

Now before we continue I need you to picture this correctly. I'm not talking about Al-Qaeda style terrorists, or North Koreans or anything like that. Nor are we going with crazed co-worker who's pissed about someone stealing his strawberry kiwi yogurt out of the office fridge AGAIN.

I'm talking "Toy Soldiers terrorists".  You've seen it? OF COURSE YOU HAVE THAT MOVIE IS SO FRIGGEN AWESOME I LOVE THE DUDE WITH THE TOY PLANE!! Samwise Gamji aka Sean Astin running around a military prep academy with his buddies causing trouble for the faculty and the armed gunman who've taken the school hostage alike? This is why it won the Academy Award in 1991 for best picture and ensemble. (Note: it did not win either, or any award)

My point is the terrorists in Toy Soldiers were suave-ass South Americans with pony-tails, as they are in MY terrorist/hostage situation.

 OK, they've taken over my office building, killed a couple people I don't particularly like and that no one will miss (Looking at you J.R., you and your fucking yogurt). We're all brought together in a large common room with armed terrorists watching over us waiting for demands to be met by the Chicago Police outside. I have multiple ways of getting out of this. But for the sake of time, here's two...

I'll play me you play the terrorist k? Awesome. And..... go!

1. I start to cry like a baby because I don't want to die! Listen, listen, just let me say this, just let me say this.... I have a child! Seriously! I do his/her name is Chris and she/he is less than a year old! I'm not lying! I'm not! I don't know the sex yet because his/her mom's a total cunt rag and makes Chris wear clothing that's for both a girl and guy and won't let me see her/him naked but I want to live for her/him! Don't you have a kid?! Don't you know the love a father has!?

Of course you'll respond to this, and you have multiple children because South Americans don't believe in birth control and the women are mostly very attractive and enjoy sexual relations with men who don't wear deodorant. Plus, you're a terrorist not a robot you have some empathy BAM!  

I knee you in the balls, grab the gun out of your hand and slam it on top of your head.  I'll shoot an extremity or two depending on how big of a dick you've been throughout the situation.

2. I know what you're going through man, Americans are total D-bags right!?I'm Polish, did you know that? We were the South Americans before South Americans were South Americans in the US. Sure, racists hate Mexicans and confuse you for them because you all have that  luscious color of skin (do you moisturize by the way? fine, keep it your little secret), but their are a plethora of other countries to the south of us. Just like EVERYONE confused the Polocks with the Irish. WTF is up that terrorist guy?

...You can relate? No, I can relate to you. Let me get one of those guns so I can blast a couple capitalist pigs bro, I like tacos and cilantro BAM!

I smash you over the head with a garbage can and beat you senseless with a stapler. I'll shoot an extremity or two depending on how big of a dick you've been throughout the situation.

Of course this list could continue forever. But now that you know my plan, you know why I want this to happen. Because after this even occurs...I could get laid really easy.