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February 14, 2009


Cats are better than dogs. Done.

Oh you wanted more? Okay well you're obviously a needy dog-loving douche bag. You are the kind of person that craves attention and more importantly; needs to feel loved and worshiped by your pet. Dog lovers like yourself want a pet that welcomes you when you get home. You want a pet you can take out into public and be seen with. A pet that gives you an excuse to socialize with other like-minded (re: weak) individuals.You freaks need a subordinate in the house that will obey your commands and seek validation from you at every turn. Shame on you and grow some dick.

Dogs are stupid and I have no respect for them. "But they do tricks! They listen! blah blah blah". This whole "trick" and "listening" thing is what people bring up when they make an argument for liking dogs more than cats. They also use this argument to prove that dogs are smart and cats are stupid. They seem to be mistaking independence for stupidity which, in their defense, is quite common in America but no less fucking retarded. Cats are TOO smart for you. They're too smart to humiliate themselves for a pat on the head. Cats are noble animals, dogs are jesters. Dogs can be fun but they don't exactly earn any respect. If a dog was a human you'd claim they have no dignity, but because they're a dog I'm supposed to look past this? Well I won't because I'm a principled son of a bitch.

Now maybe this line of thinking is why I'm single. Sure, it's possible but as a short, miserable, unemployed, 29 year old with ZERO prospects that does nothing all day but play videogames and watch stallone movies; I did just have an attractive 19 year old girl call me and ask if she can stop by and blow me before she goes and hangs out with her friends. And do you know why? Because like a cat I have dignity and class you cocksuckers so start paying attention because I get young sex.

Finally there is the genetics of these animals. What's the most impressive dog related species out there? A wolf? Bueno for a t-shirt with a mountain and the Northern Lights in the background. Perfect hanging next to my Wizard shirt... but as a high water mark!? C'mon people.... Cheetahs, Lions, Cougars, Leopards and Tigers... these are cats. These are awesome animals and these are better than Jackals, Wolves and Hyenas.

Cats are sly animals with personality and self respect. They know what you're saying and they don't give a fuck. They're a furry mix of punk rock and royalty. Dogs on the other hand are "dopey, desperate dipshits"* and they are a furry mix of American Idol contestent and Jm J. Bullock. Oh... and Kittens are cuter than puppies!

PS: I don't see any "Happy DOGurday" photos on the internet today, now do I!?

* "Dogs are dopey, desperate dipshits and we need to free the slaves." - Abraham Lincoln 1863