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January 27, 2015
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I'm really pissed I didn't need these candles I bought last night.

Like the rest of New York, I spent a good portion of yesterday pushing over people smaller/older than me to get the last couple of candles at Duane Reade. The Weather Channel said Juno was gonna be a blizzard like we’ve never seen before and what benefit would they have to hyperbolize the weather other than massive ratings? Clearly we were gonna lose power and clearly these were gonna come in handy.

Let me start by saying these candles were expensive as fuck. They were $20 a piece and the only scents they had left were two in Island Margarita and two in Bahama Breeze. Sorry, but it’s January and those are not season appropriate smells. BUT, I knew I needed to be able to see in the dark during the storm so I grabbed ’em. More specifically I grabbed ’em from some old dude who was like, “Hey! Those are mine” and I had to be like, “Sorry, bud, but there are no rules when it comes to blizzards.” So four candles at $20 a piece came to $80. Ouch! And the dude at the register made it clear that “All sales were final.” Annoying that there were no returns yet I still needed a mile long receipt but, whatever, these were definitely gonna get used tonight. Bill de Blasio basically said this was our last night on Earth and it’s not like you can take $80 with you when you go.

But here’s the thing that I’m sure you already know, THERE WAS NO FUCKING BLIZZARD LAST NIGHT. The power never even flickered, let alone went out. In fact, if anything, it was a littletoo bright in my apartment because they just opened up a casino across the street. All I did was watch Friends on Netflix and look at my unlit candles like, “I paid good money for you. You’d better come in handy later.” But of course they didn’t. So now I’m stuck with the question- WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL THESE UNUSED BLIZZARD CANDLES?! I can’t return them to the store and, honestly, I’ve got no use for ’em.

Traditional thinking would say, “Brian, just burn ’em and enjoy the smell.” But here’s the thing, my apartment already smells nice ’cause I use Glade Plug-Ins. And, even if it didn’t, I’m worried that needlessly burning a margarita-scented candle is gonna make me fall off the wagon again. (Last night, I didn’t care cause I thought we’d all be dead by today. But now it’s a problem cause margs used to be my JAM.) And before you suggest it, no, I can’t even save ’em till my birthday ’cause that’s not for another six months, plus they aren’t “birthday candle” candles; they’re like big and in a jar and would fall right through the cake if I ever tried putting ’em on top.

“Brian, why not just give them as a gift?” I definitely would except for the fact that candles are the worst gift you can ever give someone and it’s basically the same as saying, “Merry Christmas, I don’t care that much for you.” A candle?! Who in the world has ever been like, “Shit, it’s almost my birthday. Better make a list. 1) Candles, 2) Candles, 3) MORE CANDLES.” No one. It’s a bad gift only given by people who are running out of time on their way to the party.

I gotta do something with them though, right?! They were fucking $80. I asked the dude at Duane Reade for at least STORE CREDIT but he was all, “You chose to spend $80 on candles, you need to live with that. Think of it as a life lesson. You’ll thank me later.” Um, not bloody likely, Rick! Guh! I shoulda just let that old man have them. I hope he got home OK last night.

You’re probably thinking I have no one to blame but myself. But you’re wrong; I have TONS of people to blame. The Weather Channel for lying to me … de Blasio for making a huge dead about “get candles!!” … my parents ’cause I wish I’d never been born … the list goes on. I mean what else can you even do with candles? I know PLENTY of stuff I could do with $80.

You guys are probably thinking I’m being a little bitch about this and maybe you’re right but I’ve just never been less happy with a purchase in my life. This is worse than when I bought khakis. So I’m putting them up on eBay and will literally accept any offer. Even $10, I’ll take it. Otherwise, I’m just gonna use them to light myself on fire.

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