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July 25, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

For the first time in the U.S., a Catholic official was sentenced to 3 to 6 years in prison for covering up sex crimes. "Not that harsh, all things considered," said On-the-Cross Jesus.

The United States will be donating an extra $150 million to fight AIDS. A sort of apology for creating it in the first place.

Mitt Romney is accusing Barack Obama of leaking details about the killing of Osama bin Laden to help him politically. Barack Obama responded by saying, "Yes."

Eight people have been formally charged for involvement in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. And judging by what they've been saying to loved ones, they're really nervous too.

A man who planned to skydive from 120,000 feet inside a space capsule had to postpone the jump because of high winds. To do otherwise would be completely, just slightly more reckless.

Sally Ride, the first American woman in space, died this week at age 61. NASA thanked her for her service and not complaining about the Moon's men-only policy.

A new expedition to find the wreckage of Amelia Earhart's last flight failed to find any evidence. "But you're getting close...too close," said Bigfoot.

At the International AIDS Conference, Elton John said, "I should have contracted HIV in the 1980s and died in the 1990s." "Finally, something we can agree on," said Chick-fil-A.

In Oregon, a judge ruled in favor of a man who stripped naked at an airport to protest the TSA. Particularly compelling was when the man bent over to present Exhibit A.

Nouriel Roubini, an economist who foresaw the 2008 recession, predicts the world economy will stall next year. "Thanks for the warning," said people in 2013.

Strip clubs in Tampa, Fla., are getting prepared for an influx of business when the GOP convention begins next month. But how do you tell such young women many of them will be killed by Rush Limbaugh?