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April 14, 2015

Clinton embarks on the most boring mid-life crisis, driving a van to Iowa.

On Sunday, Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president by releasing her first campaign video, which featured older women, single moms, a black couple, college students, a gay couple, an interracial couple, and a white guy who works in a factory. The amount of diversity in Clinton’s ad falls somewhere between an episode of Modern Family and the people who like a photo of puppies in Hawaiian shirts.

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AKA everybody

At the end of the video, Clinton declares she’s running for president, because she wants to be the “champion” for everyday Americans, and like every great champion, she needs your money.

I think it was the great Muhammad Ali who once said, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, give me $5 and I might send you a bumper sticker.”

Immediately after releasing the video, Clinton said she’ll be traveling in a van called Scooby, named after Scooby Doo, from New York to Iowa.

Now why would someone as busy as Hillary Clinton spend 17 hours in a van? Clearly to take pictures with more diverse Americans.

Since embarking on her trip, Clinton tweeted out one picture of her with a random family she met on the road.

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Now at a glance, this seems like a completely normal, definitely not strategic, photo. However, if you look closer, it becomes clear that Clinton bribed this family into taking a picture with her by giving them cool sunglasses.

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Most of the family looks like they’re having fun, except for the one who doesn’t have cool shades. Instead, they’re keeping it 100 by making that face you make when a politician uses your ethnicity for retweets.

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Since her announcement, the one person who has opposed Clinton the most has got to be fellow presidential candidate, Rand Paul. Paul went as far as setting up a new section of his website dedicated to selling anti-Hillary merchandise.

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Including a $99 external hard drive that doesn’t even work.

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It’s actually a smart business move. Now if he doesn’t become president, Rand Paul can always bring new life to the “I’m With Stupid ->” franchise. But who knows, if people are willing to spend $100 on a machine that won’t work, they’ll definitely spend the zero dollars it takes to vote for a machine that won’t work.