April 30, 2015
Herr Hollywood and Fräulein Media:
This week marks the 70th anniversary of my demise.
In retrospect, I was just another bully in a bloody century of bullies. Mussolini, Hirohito, Stalin, Pol Pot, Franco; friends, allies and enemies known to me, others known to you – we killed millions.
Yet, in article after article, in film after film, and night after night on network after network, program after program, you insist that my deeds were bigger,greater and worse. You label me the face of evil. And for that, Hollywood, for that, Media… I am in your debt.
Thank you, my little Riefenstahls. You have kept the dream of Nazi rule alive and made it flourish beyond my wildest expectations.
You validate me.
For all of our scientific ingenuity, the Reich still fell to the Allies. But,thanks to you, Hollywood, thanks to you, Media, our dedicated Nazi brain trust is capable of creating absolutely any device or weapon imaginable! Where were you in ’45, when I needed you?
Divining the occult is desperate idiocy, but, according to you, the Nazis succeed! We raise the Ark, deliver Hellboy, commune with “Ancient Aliens,” and all other manner of rot. Bless you for believing in us.
The Nazi government failed and was obliterated. But wait! Your novels, comic books and films created and stoke the myth that some of the old guard and new sympathizers will rise up to establish a new Reich! Bwah ha ha! Brilliant!
And your heroes will know the enemy by their bright red armband, unlike the Vietnamese villager who may or may not have had a bomb strapped to their chest, or the terrorist in the airplane seat next to you. Your efforts to turn history into comfort and parable have only made us eternal.
Ah, and what can I say about all of those wonderfully lazy comedy writers who make punchlines out of the camps, who satirize us in dance numbers, and who have made the words “Hitler” and “Nazi” euphemisms for all that is worst, threatening and evil in the world – even a purveyor of soup? All I can say is, “Thank you.”
Charles Chaplin, though a shit for mocking me, nevertheless possessed genius and courage. Your postwar clowns, by flogging the same tired jokes and returning ad nauseam to the well of easy reference, only reinforce my legend.
I could not have conceived of a better strategy to ingratiate myself into the hearts and minds of a people. Our propaganda was about power and showiness – an effect not lost, as you’re still broadcasting those images.
But this idea of laughter only made us relatable, and, in time, as we were the constant butt of the jokes, sympathetic. Nazis have entered more homes through humor then they ever entered on jackboots. Wunderbar!
Your constant bombardment of my name and deeds into the public consciousness is worth a thousand blitzkriegs!
The postwar villains that populated your wrestling rings, the Barons Von This or That, were only a sign of things to come. Over 70 years, Hollywood has established the German dialect as the voice of sadists, of torturers, of evil – even in kiddie fare, such as the Amazing Spider-Man 2.
70 years on, and you are still punishing the German public for the actions of one failed political party. What lessons have you learned from the First World War? Nothing, it would seem.
Well, all the better for me – then, as now! You, Hollywood, you, the Media, you are my accomplices to immortality.
You have taken my charred, suicide body from its shallow grave in the pages of history, and made my beloved Nazis and I forever live and breathe.
For every film that needs an “ultimate evil” for your heroes to overcome, you put us there! For every war porn television documentary that glorifies the hell of combat, you put us there! For every uninspired comedian looking for an easy, unoriginal reference to exploit, you put us there!
My followers were fond of shouting “Sieg Heil” to me, but, no, no, no!
Sieg Heil to you, Hollywood! Sieg Heil to you, Media!
Without you, I would be nothing.
With love and affection,