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June 10, 2015

JK Rowling tweeted that there is an American version of Hogwarts and we will soon learn where and what it is. I'm here to save you time and tell you it's a traffic court in Maryland.


Over the weekend, Harry Potter thinker-upper JK Rowling revealed that in the upcoming Harry Potter onscreen spinoff, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, she will introduce the U.S. equivalent of Hogwarts.

Here is what we know so far from her tweets this weekend.

It exists!

The school will not be in New York (that means no Williamsburg Witch Academy, which is a bummer).

The school and the magic there is influenced by indigenous tribes (part of me tenses up that a white British lady is co-opting Native culture to sell wizard books, but who knows, maybe it’ll be super respectful and inclusive (maybe…))

OK, JK, I am starting to lose you here because I’m pretty sure I didn’t attend Hogwarts. UNLESS! UNLEEESSS!!! I attended American Hogwarts under the guise it was something else. So what could it be then?

It has to be something not in New York with hints of Native American sorcery that I received a letter for. OK. The first thing that comes to mind is the time I had Jury Duty in Pennsylvania, but that doesn’t fit in with the Native American stuff. The trial was two white dudes who were opening people’s mail.

The next thing I’m thinking is traffic court for all my parking violations in Maryland. Wait, yes! That makes perfect sense! Stick with me here! I probably parked on top of some Native burial ground, granting me bad luck and causing me to forget about having to move my car to the other side of the street for street cleaning. Then my letter came in the mail summoning me to traffic court.

Fuck. Y'know, I wish I had paid more attention at traffic court, aka American Hogwarts. If I had known that was my opportunity to learn magic, I would have seized the opportunity. I feel like I just spent my entire time at American Hogwarts texting and drinking the free coffee. It wasn’t even a full court and trial experience. I just had to pay some fines and was given a stern lecture by an off-duty traffic officer. I wish she had at least taught me a spell to trick my car out.

Welp, JK, if you’re reading this, which I’m sure you are, we aren’t all Harry Potters who are determined to unveil our own personal destiny. I wish you had just like given me a heads up that I was attending American Hogwarts while I thought I was at traffic court. Also, tread lightly with the whole Native magic thing, it could get messy (and you could piss off the wrong spirits.)