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Published June 15, 2010
7-15-10 (CHN)

Tonight the President will speak to the nation about how he hopes to cheer up workers at BP and thank them for their honesty, attention to detail, and clean up efforts (which are most likely complete by now). Investors are hopeful that Mr. Obama will disclose a comprehensive plan to not only stall clean energy sources but to offer support for lagging BP stock prices.


CHN Sports now predicts a 4-0 warm-up victory for the North Korean Soccer team who will kickoff its 2010 World Cup run against a largely unknown Brazilian team that is assumed to be underfed and perhaps pre-occupied with recent geopolitical strife back home. It is assumed that the well-endowed bootys of the North Korean women fans will distract the Brazilian players into one or more 'own goals'.


Joran Van Der Sloot has hired a new attorney after his former counsel quit the case. The new attorney, coordinated with the help of Arubian officials, is a 20 year old spring breaker from Tucson, AZ who is on her summer vacation in Peru. Van Der Sloot will meet privately with her in an undisclosed holding cell later this week.



General David Petraeus just passed out during testimony at the Capital. Pentagon officials blame a low defense budget that has forced the military to dilute orange juice with water and to aim more carefully when shooting people. An aide for the General said that he most likely was just freaked out from looking at John McCain's face up close.



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