Full Credits

Stats & Data

November 12, 2012

Perhaps this is how they should have ended.

Horror movies always provide viewers with an enjoyably terrifying experience.  We all know and love the classics, like "The Shining", "The Omen" and "Exorcist II:  The Heretic".  You probably wouldn't understand the joke there unless you're a horror movie buff or virgin (redundant). 

While many of these films pack an exciting plot throughout, a large majority of them wrap up the film with a terrible ending.  One example that comes to mind is Stephen King's "It."  You watch these people being tortured by their innermost fears for hours to get to a conclusion where the evil existence harming these folks is being represented by a fucking spider? 

It's in all of our best interests to consider and imagine how great horror films of the past affect us when they are concluded completely differently, and much more geniusly.  Below are some films most of us cultured people are familiar with, however, they're ended with a touch of mastery. 


The Exorcist


The devil leaves Reagan's body during the exorcism, entering Father Merrin.  As the possession takes over, Merrin becomes super horny.  He ignores the fact that Reagan's like 13 years old and makes sweet sweet love to that child.  The love action is passionate, while still being hardcore enough to make creepy dudes audibly say, "OH, YEAH BETSY." 

When the possessed priest is done slamming the underage girl like a basketball into a Fisher Price hoop, Reagan's all, "You the best I ever had, boo.  Wife me.  Oh, and the whole you being possessed thing is totally cool."  The two wed and make some ugly ass kids in a trailer somewhere. 


Rosemary's Baby


Rosemary's baby is birthed, however, instead of coming out as the devil like it did originally, it's just mulotto.  The friends and family come to a consensus about the child's raising with a unanimous, "You ain't raising no colored kid." 


Pet Sematary


Louis chooses not to bury his dead wife in the "Pet Sematary", which originally caused her to come back and murder him.  Instead he just buys some really low-rate prostitutes and a bunch of blow.  The following day surveillance footage from a PetCo shows Louis blowing his brains out after spitting on the glass in front of the hamster cages. 


The Shining


Jack wanders the house, weilding his axe on his ever so frightening rampage.  As he limps by the pantry, he notices a bag of chips on one of the shelves.  "Fuckin' kettle-cooked!" he exlaims.  "Only kind I eat", he says to himself in confidence. 

After eating the chips, Jack goes and apologizes to his hideous wife and son.  "I was out of line", he continues, "But those kettle-cooked chips reminded me of why I'm here today.  I'm here to eat chips.  You and that weirdo son of yours are just here to keep me company.  You live, but both of you must supply me with chips, everyday." 

The family continue their lives happily as a kettle-cooked chip obsessed slave master and his servants. 




Carrie arrives at the prom as expected.  However, things go a little unexpectedly.  There's no hazing or pig's blood being poured on her.  Instead, she is treated as if she's a celebrity.  Men augle her, while girls look in respectful recognition of beauty. 

"Nice tits Carrie," Mike Wood, captain of the track team greets warmly. 

Class president Eddie chimes in with a complimentary "Girl I didn't know you had all THAT!" and a quick grab of the booty. 

"What's that snatch lookin' like tonight Care?" inquires Tom Wapner, president of the schoolboard. 

Carrie is elated by all of the star treatment she is recieving.  In fact she's so elated that she let's the wrestling team run a train on her behind the gym.  While this puts Carrie in a bad light and gets her labeled as "Chlamydia Carrie", it also makes her quite a hot commodity.  Oh and she kills her mom. 


Children of the Corn


Isaac and Malakai, the two adolescent leaders of the murderous cult, decide that they are really just doing all of this nonsense because of their surpressed feelings.  They can't hide it any longer;  these dudes have the hots for each other!  Actions inspired by feelings insue.  A midwestern, hick town run by murderous children now in the midst of a homosexual scandal between the two leaders?  I smell a dramatic minieries! 

And that it is.  The remaining children of the town plan a wedding and erotic romantic getaway for the two (not spoiling anything but stalks of corn are involved LOL).  The young boys' relationship is hot and cold, as is any, but their chemistry is adored and envied by the rest of the town's kids.  Plus it opens them up to new views and interests, like bisexuality.  Their new curiosity turns into experimentation, and then a bunch of orgies.  This dramatic miniseries then just becomes some low-budget child porn. 




During Michael Myer's pointless murderous rampage, he opens a door which leads him into a rap studio.  The gentleman sitting in the studio, currently playing one of his self-produced rap beats, looks over at Mike. 

"Ayo this beat is flames son!" Mike states enthusiastically 

"Let's hear you spit something," the unnamed producer persuades

Michael "The Flame Spitter" Myers lights up a fat blunt and raps:  '"My name Mike and your girl look like a dyke, type a bitch I won't wife and only pipe for one night!"

The producer recognizes talent when he hears it.  Mike is signed to a six year, 4 million dollar deal with We Don't Play With these Hoes Records.   


The horror genre might be looked at as more of a creative mastery had film producers let me write conclusions.  Be on the lookout for part 2!


Mike Gursky, @gurskyman