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Published April 17, 2011 More Info »
17 Funny Votes
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Published April 17, 2011

The question is often asked of me on the streets of New York, “D.M., how can we stop the hate?” You see, in case you are not aware, racism has easily been going on for the last thirty years, and it's time to put a stop to it. Chris Rock and David Duke can use the N-word as much as they want, but the rest of us have to take a stand.  And after a few simple steps, there is no doubt that we can have a world where the next fifteen presidents are black (half-black, anyway).

Step 1: 
Travel to an area of the country where you suspect there might be racism.
Seattle comes to mind.  Vermont, too.  If you don’t live near these places, drive to the nearest Foot Locker, Panda Fun or Dunkin’ Donuts.  You’re sure to find the people you’re looking for there.  If you want to kill two birds with one stone, take a cab to these locations and repeat the following steps with the driver.

Step 2: 
Find a person who looks as if they have experienced racism in the past.
Remember, you’re not looking for people who fit the various racial stereotypes, just people who look like they fit the stereotypes.  If they are black, do they look like they would run from the cops?  If they are Chinese, do they look as if they have ever eaten a cat?  If they are white, do they look like they want to buy and sell everyone else in the room?  If they’re Mexican, are they in the United States? 

Step 3:  Say hello.
Introduce yourself to the racial person, explaining that you are attempting to end racism.  Explain your observations, that you have taken note of how they look, and that they appear to meet a certain profile.  Explain what this profile is.  Next, come up with a way together to help the racial person act differently so that they are no longer unfairly singled out.  This could include acting more white, talking in public about how they hate the taste of cat, living in a home with no more than five families residing inside, or  proclaiming their guilt over their ancestors’ genocide of the Native Americans.

Step 4:  Tell your friends.
Go home and tell your friends about your experience.  Explain your successes, using phrases like “attaining equality” and “diverse coexistence”.  For friends who are a harder sell, you may want to break the ice with less progressive phrases like “peaceful tolerance”. 

Step 5:  Plan to meet.
Call up your new racial friend for coffee.  Promise them over the phone that you won’t be racist, but remind them that it would be helpful if they didn’t fulfill any stereotypes. 

Step 6:  Feel Great!
Hang up the phone and consider yourself a good person.  Go have coffee with your new racial friend.  Or don’t (whatever).  The good deed has already been done, and thus the coffee is a moot point, really.

Take that, racism!


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