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March 09, 2016
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The rejected contestants return to confront Ben, each other, and gender stereotypes.

The dumped women have returned to LA to tell ALL to ALL. Chris Harrison: “A record number of women on the show told him that they love him. But THAT’S NOT ALL.” What is All, Chris?! “For the first time in history, our Bachelor told two women he’s in love with them. What happens when Ben whispers those three special words to two different women?”

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What happens when Ben whispers those three special words? I know I personally came three times.

Delicate Ben and Lord Harrison Visit Bachelor Nation Viewing Parties

Ben and Chris partake in the traditional crashing of the Bachelor viewing parties. Random mother: “He’s a stud. But I would like to see his abs in person if we could make that happen? Ella do you want to see Ben’s tummy? This is way better than football.” Teaching your infant the basics of objectifying men’s bodies and that Bachelor is way better than football? AGREE 1000%. Tap out now. Baby needs no more training and is ready for life.

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Ella do you want to see Ben’s tummy? How about Chris’ tummy? And what’s that, hon? You want to see that scruffy camera guy over there’s tummy too?

Ben: “It’s men, women, babies. Ella is this adorable little girl who has this Mrs. Higgins shirt on. That’s cool to see that the new generations continue to watch The Bachelor.”

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He’s actually my son but I reallllly want to be on TV.

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That’s so cool to see that new generations of women are brought up to believe they must drunkenly mock each other’s cankles to win the best husband.

They enter a house filled with women in onesies. Woman: “This is so surreal. I can’t believe that Chris Harrison and Ben Higgins are in my house right now.” Even though I applied for this to happen and was notified of when exactly it was so all my friends would be in onesies. “My Nona– my grandma–is a devoted fan.” Nona: “He’s so lean. He looks heavier [on TV] – but he looks great.”

Nona: Oh hello, are you the fat man from television?

One household is so “surprised” by Chris and Ben that they barely have time to hide their traditional weekly Chris Harrison Nonsensical Pun Cake.

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THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!! IS THIS A FURRY/BACHELOR CROSSOVER PARTY?

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Nona just did something really inappropriate to that cake.

A blonde lady becomes delirious upon meeting Delicate Ben: “I think at some point I asked Ben to move in with me. I am married but I’m starting to question that decision.”

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I think at some point I asked him to move in with me. I think at another point there was light discussion of our future kids’ elementary schools. And I feel like at one point there was a fight about ROTH IRA vs. 401K.

Ben and Chris then surprise a sorority. My friend I’m watching with is SO happy for the ecstatic sorority girls that she starts crying.

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Almost as tear-inducing as those father-daughter Subaru commercials.

One of the surprised ladies happens to have brought her selfie stick over.

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Say misogyny!

Ben is the slowest blinker of all time.

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What is going on?? These girls are acting like I’m Sean Lowe.

Excited woman: “All of those women on the Bachelor, hands down, the luckiest women I know."Girl, you know you don’t know them, right?

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Are you POSITIVE we’ve got the horrific monstrous ape in the selfie?

Chris: “Season in, season out, this never gets old… [Crashing sororities.] It’s like Fuel. They just blow your world up, and you think, ‘this is why we do this.’”

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This is why we do this. For the COLLEGE CHICKS.

Ben: “It’s a little overwhelming. It’s a little humbling. But it’s fun that people are coming together to watch a show and get emotional with me.”

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So overwhelmed that I’m doing whatever the ladies tell me to. Koala ears? Sure. I’m a little kitten? Going with it. I’m crying but my eyes are on my forehead? Great. On board.

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Scream if you’re still a little girl inside!

Introducing the Women

Chris then reminds us who each of the most memorable women from the season are, as well as Izzy. The studio audience women are loving it.

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They put a spotlight on the one man in the audience.

Leah is back and knows she’s seen as a villain.

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Hey guys, I know y'all hate me. Great to be here.

Several of the girls do awkward two-handed waves.

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I have to put both hands up to stop all the overwhelming love from Bachelor Nation. Did I mention I’m a Single Mom?

Tiara, the Chicken Enthusiast, is only back because she brought her chicken, Sheila. They reference Sheila an inordinate amount of times throughout the episode because it NEVER STOPS BEING HILARIOUS.

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You know the old adage: when confronting an ex-boyfriend, never forget to bring a reptilian pet that shits all over your lap the whole time.

Drama Montage

A montage of the best drama from the season is bequeathed upon us. There’s a shot of Ben running shirtless past an American flag.

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If you don’t come to completion from this image you’re a terrorist.

The women then re-watch themselves implode on national television. Remembering Lace: “I feel like you didn’t even look at me once… I’m not crazy. I just need one more minute… These bitches can suck it… I know I’m coming off a little crazy to you.”

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Mental note. New tattoo should read: Men are dumb. If you don’t call yourself crazy, it might take him a little longer to figure it out. Maybe even hometowns.

Twin Emily: “Olivia is fake as fuck… Her breath is horrible… Her mouth smells like shit.”

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She’s fake as fuck. Not like me. Natural hair color. Natural never leaving my twin sister’s side. Natural not knowing what swans are.

Olivia’s metaphor that launched a thousand shit-talks:“ I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom that I watch.”

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O-dawg, don’t say Teen Mom. Just use Real World. Or say Gilmore Girls. Just ONCE have said Gilmore Girls.

Group Discussion re: Drama Montage

The chicken is over it and flies off Tiera’s lap onto Lace. Tiera doesn’t give a fuck.

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It must be my bird tattoo that says “Jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down.”

Chris prevents the ladies from getting into Olivia’s drama first. He brings up Leah and the audience boos.

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BOOOOO!!! We are all better than you! Coming to a six hour taping in the middle of the work day! How darest you come at Lauren B.land, America’s most boring sweetheart!

Chris: “That decision to throw Lauren under the bus seems, I don’t know, just kind of out of the blue.”

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That decision to throw Lauren under the bus seems so random, I don’t know, just kind of like a magical producer fairy goaded you into it or something, just spit-balling.

Leah: “It was brought up that Lauren B. had made a comment that the girls were losers for being upset. So when I went to Ben and we talked, I wanted him to know how I was feeling. I did not feel that my discussion should be publicly discussed amongst the girls.”

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I didn’t THROW her under the bus, it was a GENTLE nudge. Besides, nothing I said on national TV should be discussed publicly.

Jami (who had long been dumped during this drama): “I’m sorry, but you out-front lied.” Classic out-front lying. Straight up? You looking for outright there?

Leah: “Jami you weren’t even there.” I can’t un-think it’s pronounced Jammy.

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Jammy you weren’t even there. You had given up on HUMANITY altogether like, weeks before.

Becca: “You lied straight to my face.”

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You lied straight to my face. Several people explained that to me in extreme layman’s terms after the show.

Leah: “I didn’t intentionally lie though.”

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I didn’t intentionally lie though. When you asked if I was the one who tattled I thought you asked if I had a lot of CATTLE.

Tiera pipes in: “Sheila’s not impressed. She doesn’t like liars.” The chicken doesn’t like liars. What program am I watching?

Next it’s Jubes’ drama. Jubes: “I had a couple of altercations, I’d call them. A lot of the things that I said were misunderstood. I’m a little different, you can all see.”

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I had a couple of, I’ll call them altercations. Had a few altercations in Afghanistan. A couple altercations in the Bachelor house. Maybe a baker’s dozen altercations backstage before this show.

Jubes: “No one ever really said anything to my face except for the confrontation with Amber… When I watched the remarks that were made about my date, it shocked me. It’s like, ugh she’s not gonna come back. I bet Ben’s just dying in that little box up in the sky.” Amber and Jammy are FIRED UP.

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How darest you respond in a very rational manner to us completely tearing you down during the show?

Jammy: “I can speak for me and some other people that are biracial.”

Amber interrupts: “It’s me.” She’s raised her hand twice this season. The first for people who don’t get any time with Ben. The second for being the rest of the shit-talking bi-racial contingent.

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It was me. I was the one shit-talking to bring others down to distract from the fact that I suck SO MUCH. I know you’re all shocked.

Jammy: “[You’ve said] I’m the real black girl. I’m gonna make it the furthest for a full black woman.”

Jubes: “I might have said I was bringing some diversity.”

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I might have said I was bringing some diversity. Like that I’m actually interesting.

Amber: “Hearing the N word or hearing things like, you’re not black enough, like, that hurt. And that’s why I was like, standoffish to you a little bit.” Yeah, Amber was standoffish, aka dragging Jubes around and accosting her in the bathroom.

Jubes: “I just felt very attacked just now.” They film the girls while they think the cameras aren’t rolling, one of my favorite new techniques in WTA. Jubes wipes off tears.

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My whole family died and I did tours in Afghanistan but sure Amber, I did say something that accidentally brought out insecurities in you that you’re actually a lame white person.

Jubes in Hot Seat

Chris brings Jubilee up to the hot seat. There’s hope for her Bachelorette future yet! Chris: “Are you already emotional? What’s hitting you right now?”

Jubes: “It takes a while and there’s steps to really getting to know who I am.”

I want to get at your deep-seeded emotional issues but first let’s watch how you got dumped.

They watch Jubes’ love story.

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RELIVE THE EMOTIONS OF YOUR BREAKUP.

Chris asks Jubes if she feels she’s unlovable.

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How unlovable are you feeling right now? Are you feeling like a complete piece of shit or like 80%?

Jubes: “[Ben] thinks he’s unlovable and actually, mine’s a little different. I don’t feel unlovable. I feel like I’m hard to love.”

I’m hard to love. Even harder to find proper-fitting jeans for.

Chris: “Ben talks so much about you to me, he does think you’re something special. And he really was fighting for you. What is it that wouldn’t let that happen?”

Jubes: “I got caught up in the whole, reality but not reality part of it… The feelings are real… The jealousy is real.”

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The feelings are real. The jealousy is real. The booty is very real.

Lace in Hot Seat

Chris calls Lace up to the stand and thanks her for being their villain early on. Chris: “You came in and really stirred things up.” They look at clips of Lace’s love story Lace slowly losing her mind on national TV as Lace does weird things with her mouth in present day.

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I don’t think there’s one girl so far who’s competition. Their tongues can barely reach their nose.

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I just want to be clear. The issue is that I didn’t look at you during the rose ceremony?

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This might shock you but I don’t love myself yet like my tattoo’s instructions so I need to go home.

Lace: “The music didn’t help the situation now."Chris: "You think it was the music?”

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You think it was the music? Are you sure it wasn’t the lighting that made you sound absolutely batshit?

Lace says she talks to her Mom everyday who sees a change in her. Chris asks if she’s dated anyone since the show.

But unlike Ben, they look me in the eyes while they hand me ceremonious tokens of their love.

Everyone in the studio laughs and laughs. Chris: “Do you say the words ‘crazy’?”

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TONGUE TRIGGER WORD!!!!

Lace: “I try to stay away from that word now.”
Chris: “You feel like the lessons you’ve learned here have been applicable in the real world?”

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You’ve learned something, right? I’m ACTUALLY making America great again, right?

Lace says she’s learned to not say the word crazy and to suppress her more expressive faces which I whole-heartedly disagree with. Next, someone more psycho than Lace jumps out of the audience.

Crazy person: “I don’t want to seem crazy myself, but I have to show you this one thing."The crazy person reveals his tattoo of Lace’s face on his chest and demands a photo.

How do arms work?

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Still not as bad as Ben’s tattoo.

The audience ladies and Bachelor Nation are horrified.

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Someone making worse life decisions than Lace???!!

Chris jokes that they need better security even though this whole charade is clearly staged. Then, Chris: “I’d like to know if you’d like to go to Bachelor in Paradise.”

LACE ACCEPTS! YESSSS I AM SO IN ALREADY (never a question). Chris high-fives Lace in celebration as Bachelor Nation cries a collective cheer of relief.

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More alcohol and less clothes will definitely make this NEXT journey to find love on national television a success.

Olivia in Hot Seat

My girl, Olivia, is next. She’s wearing a jumpsuit to dissuade Cankle-Watch 2016. Chris: “There was one woman who had everyone talking this season. Now it’s time to hear it straight from her own mouth.”

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She just has a really heavy chin.

Olivia: “I remember watching the first episode and crying because I didn’t know where it went wrong.”

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Amber jealous because she never got to the point where it could go wrong.

Olivia: “I knew that things were kind of weird in the house but I didn’t know… the extremity at which things were being said about me… It’s even more low watching it back.” Meanwhile the twins are glaring at Olivia this whole time.

Olivia: “Emily came to me once and said you know it bothers me when you grab him first.”

Twin Emily mouths twice with four fingers up. “I came to you twice.”

I came to you four times. Twice. Which is the number with two things in it?

Amanda: “Did you not talk about me and my kids? And say that any guy should be running the other way from somebody with kids?”

Olivia: “I don’t recall.”

You don’t RECALL?! You’re supposed to be telling ALL!!!

Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda says she’s sick but she really is trying to make her voice sound more adult: “Being a Mom is something that I am like, so proud of. My kids are my life. Being a Mom is my jam.”

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Being a Mom is my jam. Except when I have to leave my young kids for four months for the Bachelor.

Twin: “I am just so sick of you saying that you didn’t bully us girls. I remember on the first date, I was wearing this low-cut short romper, because oh well, I look good in it. You were wearing this high-cut dress that goes below your knees, and you’re like I’m just trying to be wife material– basically calling me a slut.”

Other twin: “Not to mention that you said something about Amanda only being on the show because she has a sob story.”

Leah: “But you did it right back to her.”

Twin: “That’s beyond the point.”

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Whatever I said is BEYOND the point. I can rock a romper. SHE’S THE SHIT-BREATHED, BIG-TOED, CANKLE-POSSESSING, MID-CALF-DRESS-WEARING BULLY.

Chris: “Do you feel like you were ganged up on?”

Olivia: “I wasn’t actively trying to sabotage anyone’s time. I was prioritizing my relationship and trying to stay afloat by doing what I feel comfortable doing which is kind of being on my own… [Taking him first] was my way of showing him that I was there for him.”

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If doing smart things while looking sexy as Hell and talking about messing with girls’ heads is sabotage then yeah, I guess I was a professional saboteur.

Jennifer: “If you got off your high horse for a little bit and tried to bond with us… you’d realize that we like to read books and talk smart things too.” The twins applaud heavily although they can’t read.

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We read too! Just the other day at my Mom’s house I found and read a pamphlet on “getting your adult idiotic children to move out of your house.”

Olivia: “I’m a strong, driven independent, confident woman and there were times I hated watching myself… I knew things weren’t going well and I knew that people were talking about me. But to pick on my body, to make fun of my breath and my toes and my breasts, this hurts.”

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Almost missed Twin’s expression due to Jammy.

Olivia re: Teen Mom: “To any mothers out there, it was an insensitive stupid thing to say and I would never intentionally dig at someone. It was stupid and I’m sorry.” The ladies clap at her apology even though the red dress twin still shoots Olivia death stares.

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I thought Teen Mom was a compliment. Like, oh you look so youthful you’d be in an MTV series. Or, your hair extensions look so natural you must be a D-list TV star.

Caila in Hot Seat

Trying to figure out if they’re giving Caila The Bachelorette Edit. I truly hope not and it’s Jojo or Jubilee. It’s a 100% empty threat to say I won’t watch but this was the most boring segment, even with those two chicks wearing Team Sex Panther t-shirts in support of her. NEED I REMIND YOU Bachelor producers that the last time you picked based on fan t-shirts at WTA you got JUAN PABLO who would certainly not be on the Bachelor Mount Rushmore. Sex Panther is also the name of the fictional garbage cologne in Anchorman.

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60% of the time a fun t-shirt gimmick works to nominate a Bachelorette every time.

Caila watches herself fall in love with, fuck, and get dumped by Ben. Caila: “It’s hard to watch it back. I really did love him and I still do in a way… For him to say that he never loved me back, it was really hard.”

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My creepy Dad is not going to be happy about this.

Caila says “it hurts” a million times. Chris tries to rephrase the question to get different reactions and gets nothing.

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It hurt at the time. It hurts to watch that back. It’s hurting to think about right now. It hurts whenever I see fireworks or benches.

Delicate Ben in Hot Seat

Chris brings out Ben, whom he calls “the most popular Bachelor in history.” That cannot possibly be true? Now I’m thinking back and they have had a lot of duds. Beyond-Lame-Ben-Flajnik. Sociopath-Jake-Pavelka.

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Ben: “I love you.” Chris: “What? Stop doing that.”

Chris: “You told two women you’re in love with them. Do you realize what a mess you’re in?” Chris do you realize that Ben’s already resolved the mess and you were there for it? Chris tries to put words into Ben’s mouth to justify his predicament. Chris: “You compartmentalize so well. You made everybody feel as if they were the only one there that day. You kinda just lost yourself in those moments and you went with your heart and told two women I love you.”

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You compartmentalize too well!!! You’re the Compartmentalist! It’s not gross and awful!

Ben: “It spit me out in a place I didn’t expect.” Ben confronts Caila: “I hope you know how much our relationship meant to me… we just explored life to a level that I never expected… I appreciate you and I appreciate you coming back here tonight and talking.”

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I loved exploring life with you. Thanks for coming here and talking even though that’s in your contract and you have super ulterior motives beyond closure with me.

Leah then blames her getting caught in a lie on Ben. Ben turns it back on her saying she chose to lie. Leah makes sure everyone knows that she and Lauren “are good.”

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Why’d you make me lie like that? By the way, nation, Lauren B.land and I are fucking FANTASTIC.

Jubes confronts Ben about how both she and Caila were pulling back but he only dumped Jubes: “I felt like you put all the blame on me instead of just saying I didn’t see it with you which would have been fine with me.”

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I would have been fine. Believe me. I had seen the Hope virginity bracelet.

Ben to Chris: “Kingsley and Charlie are cute, man.” Gross. Lauren H: “We’ll all sacrifice ourselves to make sure that there’s one happy relationship. Please let it work out. Don’t ruin it for all of us.” Is your life ruined? Didn’t you just swim and get drunk for a month?

Ben: “I’m more in love than I’ve ever been.”

Buuuuut I think I’m gonna wait til ABC pays for it.

Chris makes Ben differentiate the twins. They definitely prepared him for this backstage and it’s gross.

Bloopers

If Jojo doesn’t win and it’s not Jubilee, Jojo proves she should be next Bachelorette by spilling on herself and trying to clean it off.

I’m very shocked that Becca understood the joke.

Chris Harrison tries to force-feed a cake with his face on it to a mini-horse.

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But where’s the clever rabbit pun??? This is disgusting without abs or bunny ears.

Jojo’s Mom is so proud rn.

Wrong boring Bachelor, my b.

There’s a shit-ton of bloopers of girls screaming and running away from bugs.

This kind of makes me want to sign up.

Chris: “I know you don’t want to be known as the guy who did Bachelor well. I hate to say it buddy but you’re on the Bachelor Mount Rushmore.”

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You’re on the Bachelor Mount Rushmore. Up there with a born-again virgin and… uh… well, it’s still being carved.

Scenes from next week’s FINALE: Delicate Ben’s in love with two women and his Mom finds this disturbing. Drama on the bathroom floor.

Most drama on the bathroom floor since that lady left her kid on it to sleep with a man for a little bit of money.

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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