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Published April 05, 2012 More Info »
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Published April 05, 2012

 

My Hat's Off To Geraldo Rivera

My hat's off to Geraldo Rivera for discovering what the real problem surrounding the Trayvon Martin killing was - HOODIES.

As you may now, Trayvon Martin - a seventeen year old boy walking home from the store was killed by a George Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch volunteer on February 17, 2012. Like Bjork, apparently, fashion was responsible for his demise - at least according to Geraldo.

Per Geraldo, "The hoodie is just as much responsible for Trayvon's death is George Zimmerman was..."

The hoodie was just as responsible as the killer??? What Da Fok???????????????????





Now, I don't want to be accused of quoting the respected journalist out of context - so here is the full statement here - take a listen - I'll wait.


Since Geraldo and I share the same journalistic credentials (that is, neither of us have them anymore), I will give this the appropriate investigation that it deserves.



When did the hoodie first become the outfit of choice for our nations' criminals. From my extensive research. I believe it was the UnaBomber (Ted Kaczynski) during the 1985 through 1995 period. During this decade, he killed three and injured 23 through a series of bombing attacks. Not a nice fella.

I don't know if it is coincidental or not, but he seems to have had the same mustache as Geraldo and had his hair not been so curly - who knows if Geraldo wouldn't have been nailed for this crime. I do know this, I was rocking my white hoodie for years after the UnaBomber first Wanted Poster was published and I don't ever recall being hassled for it or warned not to wear one so that folks wouldn't mistake me for a domestic terrorist.

Okay, the only thing I can conclude here is that since the UnaBomber was not black or brown, the hoodie was okay back then.

Now before you start jumping down my throat for missing the first historical incident of hoodie on victim crime - yes - I did consider the notorious Little Red Riding Hood - or as she was known as in the day -
Lil Red.

But you have to remember this - she was never convicted! Sure, she just happened to go walking through the woods - wearing a friggin hoodie of all things - and just happened to end up at a crime scene. The murder of her grandmother. Yes, I know - she was the sole heir to the house in the woods - but there was a wolf at the scene - and a black wolf at that - wearing what witnesses described as a night cap (hmmmm - wonder if it was really a hoodie?).
Anyway - the point being, Lil Red was never formally charged with the murder so I think it would have been unfounded to classify this as a hoodie related crime.

Moving on.

 
Aside from the occasional crimes committed on cold weather nights - I haven't been able to find a lot of photographic evidence of  hoodie related crime.  In fact, almost the opposite - I found a lot of pics of good guys wearing the garment.

 
For example, the hoodie is used as a common piece of apparel by those is the clergy. As you can see in this photo of a philistine monk (on the left), the hoodie was worn not only as a symbol of poverty, but also as a effective form of protection against the elements.

So, guess Geraldo was wrong and we can close this investigation and conclude.... wait just a foking minute.....something is wrong here. What am I missing?

Let me blow the pic up.

God damn it - that's not a monk!

It's head football coach and notorious cheater - Bill
Bellicek of Spy-gate fame.

It must have been the gray hoodie that caused his rule breaking behavior (damn - and all these years I thought it was just because he was a huge dick).

My God!

Okay, I know what you're thinking, that wasn't really a crime. Well - I'm a Ram fan, and in my view, Super Bowl XXXIV was a robbery!

Geraldo - Let's Roll!

Was I too hasty in my judgement of what appeared to be just a self-promoting, idiotic, moronic, inane, not smarter than a Fifth Grader, comment? Could be. - This is obviously now an issue worth exploring.

Geraldo and I are going to hit the investigative trail. Basically, if hoodies can cause crime, what other hats do we need to worry about? Can we make America safe again through a campaign against certain crime related head wear? Let's take a look.

THE FEDORA


Innocent enough looking you say? - not so fast. The Fedora, and specifically the classier Borsalino Fedora has been worn my some of America's mist notorious criminals.

Remember Boris Badenow from Rocky and Bullwinkle? Yeah - he wasn't a criminal - all he wanted was world domination and to sleep with Natasha Fatale (who by the way, was in fact secretly having an affair with Fearless Leader). All and all, a bad dude.

And what about this Boris Badenow wannabe? Jack Abramoff recently out  of prison for violating a whole slew of Federal laws. Do you think it is just a coincidence that he wore the same hat (and identical mustache for that matter) as the mastermind criminal Boris Badenoff? I think not. It's obvious that this is a hat with criminal intent and it needs to go. AND - I'm not saying that lightly. After all, the Fedora was my go to evening wear when not rocking my UnaBomber white hoodie.

Suffice it to say, in the spirit of minimizing the potential for harm, the Fedora must join the Hoodie in the trash bin.



SKI MASKS



Boo!
See, all I have to do is roll my ski mask down over the eyes and - wala - I am WordsofWhizDumb guy bank robber.

Now you may be thinking - duh! - why else would you be wearing a ski mask other than to commit a crime. In fact, some states have in fact banned their wearing in public - but only if you are wearing a ski mask with the intent to intimidate, threaten, abuse or harm someone (not sure how they measure you're intent - oh well). But, at the end of the day, I'm pretty sure the ban is effective in preventing crime because, as we all know, most bank robbers like to be prepared,  so of course they put on their masks as they are walking up to the bank rather than when they are entering it.

As an odd note, one of the jurisdictions with the Ski Mask prohibition is the District of Columbia. Ironically, the law only restricts those who are over the age of 17 from wearing the ski mask. Perhaps Trayvon Martin would have been safer there.

Regardless, bank robberies do happen in Colorado, Michigan, Ohio and all of the other states in the God forsaken frozen tundra region of this great nation and those robbers wear ski masks. I say - into the hoodie trash bin - they're banned.

Next up - the Ski Mask's evil cousin:

THE BEANIE

Not much too investigate here - beanies gotta go. I don't have to do much research. In my life I have seen hundreds of photos on T.V or in the newspaper of some ne'er-do well wearing a beanie.

I know - I know - kids have been wearing these as protection against the elements since the time that Grandmothers learned how to knit. And good grief - what about those Beanie Babies - so cute.

Sorry, the beanie is just to easily convertible into a tool for the criminal and deep in your heart you know it.
See the chart below and pretend each of the three images are staring at you through your pane-glass window. They are all the same fella - but see how you emotions change as I only slightly alter the appearance of the beanie:


See? It's just too changeable. Sorry, but the beanie must join the others in the criminal apparel dust bin.

Damn - this investigative reporting buss shit is taking longer than I expected - no wonder Geraldo gave it up. Okay - I'm tired and I'm just going to take a short hand approach:

 
 
 

God damn it! - even this is taking too long. I haven't even gotten to Derbies, Stovepipes, Boaters, Stetsons, Berets, Baseball Caps and any of the hats that the dancers wore in Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal video.

Okay - all hats are or have been associated with some crime at some time or another so it looks like - along with those damn hoodies - we're going to have to outlaw all head ware.

OR:

Or - maybe - just maybe - it wasn't the hoodie at all that caused Trayvons' death. . As most scholars do - let's look to JEOPARDY for the answer:

Alex Trebek: "Okay, our Final Jeopardy Category is people and criminal dress wear. The answer is:


      - a  hoodie can be worn by this group of people without raising any criminal suspicion. - 


 Mary - you're turn."


Mary (looking confused): "Um - Who is everyone?"


Alex Trebek: "Oh, I'm sorry - that's not correct. Peter - you're turn."


Peter: "Geez - I don't know - Who are Mexicans?"


Alex Trebek: "Seriously Peter - are you fucking kidding me?"


Peter: "I meant Hispanics."


Alex Trebek: "Sorry Pedro - not even close. Geraldo - you're turn.


Geraldo: "Who are white people - or - white folks - who are white folks."


Alex Trebek: "Let me check with the judges - we were looking for Caucasians - judges - white folks???"


ding-ding--ding-ding


We have a winner!"

And we have a loser. His name is also- Geraldo.

To cite the NRA - which I rarely do - hoodies don't kill people - people do. I can honestly say I don't know a family that doesn't have one or two hoodies hanging in the closet. They're pretty convenient for sporting events, casual travel and for just keeping your ears warm when the weather is cold. The fact that some criminals wear them when committing a crime is no more relevant than the fact that most criminals wear gloves (should folks of colors abandon this article of clothing as well?).

Trayvon Martin did not contribute to his death by wearing a hoodie and Geraldos' argument that he not ought to have worn it as akin to saying that black people should not drive or walk in expensive neighbor hoods.

In his video clip, Geraldo specifically stated that people of color (blacks and Hispanics) should not wear the hoodie - which I can only assume by their absence in his diatribe - means white folks can. I would argue the contrary. That is, if blacks and Hispanics are a threat to white folks because they are wearing a hoodie - well then. white folks shouldn't be able to carry guns.

I used to admire Geraldo in the day. Who knows, maybe he was exposed to toxic fumes from all that time spent in Al Capone's vault (note: another criminal who was a notorious hat wearer). I would offer Geraldo this advice - If you have thoughts like this in the future, just keep them  under your hat. Otherwise, and with apologies to Homer Simpson, folks are going to start pronouncing your name Geral - DOH!

That's it - for those of you who still have passion for you hoodie - I would like to close with this homage from Adam Sandler (I pray he doesn't get shot from wearing it).

 

 

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