Every family member plays a special role at Christmastime. Mother bakes the cookies, Father hangs the lights, Sister decorates the tree, and it’s up to you to maintain your highly antagonistic, verbally abusive relationship with the family dog.
We all know that you’ve got enough on your plate during the holidays without having to think up new ways to tear that ol’ mutt a new one, so to save you a little time, we’ve gone and cooked up some season-appropriate rants that will really cut that little four-legged fucker down to size.
Situation: Your dog is wearing a little doggy Santa hat.
“Oh my! If it isn’t Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick! Getting pretty close to the big day, huh Santa? Shouldn’t you be up at the North Pole finishing up all of those toys. Or have the elves got you covered while you spend twenty minutes licking your balls on the couch? And did every little boy and girl just ask for a fat pile of dog shit this year, Santa? Because if that’s the case, you’ve got it covered in spades, my man.”
Situation: Your dog falls asleep in the nativity scene.
“Look! There in the manger! It’s the only son of God, sent to earth to sacrifice himself on the cross for the salvation of all mankind. It’s so funny, because last time I checked, he wouldn’t even go outside to piss if it’s raining.”
Situation: Your dog is wearing little doggy reindeer antlers.
“Hey! Congrats on getting picked to pull the sleigh this year, buddy! Quick question: Do all of Santa’s magical reindeer have trouble getting past their plastic doggie gates or is that just you? Oh! And I wasn’t sure if you knew, but Santa’s a pretty busy guy on Christmas Eve. He basically has to visit every house in the entire fucking world in one night, so I don’t think he has time for you to stop and sniff every single fucking bush you see along the way. Just wanted to give you the heads up.”
Situation: Your dog is wearing a little doggy bow.
“Wow! I asked for a Bose SoundLink, but this is mangy sack of hair is even better! I must have been an extra good boy this year because this dog doesn’t play music AND it’ll try to hump the shit out of the neighbors’ kid every time he walks into the yard. Gee, thanks, Santa!”
Situation: Your dog starts sniffing the presents.
“Real talk, there’s nothing in there for you, bro. Why would you ever think that’s for you? Every time I’ve wanted you to have something, I’ve literally stuck it straight into your fucking mouth. I don’t need to surprise you by wrapping something up. You freak out enough every time you see your reflection in the sliding glass door, you fucking idiot.”
Situation: Your dog gets tangled in the Christmas lights.
“Wait a second! Are we in the living room or at the Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting? Wow! What majesty! You know, they can keep their eighty-foot spruce, because nothing gets me in the Christmas Spirit quite like staring at a dog’s shit-covered asshole all aglow.”
Situation: Your dog eats Santa’s cookies.
“Oh, this is perfect! Since you ate all Santa’s food, I can just give him your food. Great. I’ll just go ahead and give Santa dog food. Awesome. So, just to recap, thanks to you when Santa wiggles down our chimney, he’s gonna find a nice, tall glass of milk and big, heaping bowl of salmon and wild rice dry bites waiting for him. You think Santa’s gonna like that? Because you don’t seem to like it and I’ve watched you, a dog, LITERALLY eat your own shit. But maybe Santa, a human man, will love it! Thanks for all the presents, Santa! I hope you like this processed fish garbage!”
Situation: Your dad separates you and the dog and isn’t telling you where your sister is hiding the dog and says that you’ve made your mother very upset and that if you are going to keep behaving like this then you are no longer welcome in this house.
“GET THE FUCK OUT HERE AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN, BENJI!”