Earlier this week, Hillary Clinton pranked the Republican presidential candidates by sending them copies of her memoir Hard Choices, just days after Donald Trump pranked fellow Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio by sending him a case of Trump-branded water. See below for a look at how the other presidential wannabes are going to join this all-out electoral prank war.
Chris Christie made everyone official Bruce Springsteen mixtapes, labeled “Chris C + Bruce S BFFs 4-EVA.” He was immediately hit with a cease and desist letter from Bruce Springsteen.
Bobby Jindal boxed up and shipped out his three shrugging, indifferent kids to Rick Santorum. He’s been looking to get rid of them ever since they “totally tanked his presidential run, UGH.”
Carly Fiorina sent all of the male presidential candidates pairs of her panties so they would know that Hillary Clinton isn’t the only lady in town. Unfortunately, she’s had to give her campaign speeches commando ever since.
Marco Rubio returned the Trump-branded case of water straight back Trump with a note reading, “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you,” written in crayon.
Jim Gilmore e-mailed the other candidates (and every U.S. citizen) headshots with “JIM GILMORE, FUTURE PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES” printed on them. Sadly, everyone marked it as spam, since no one knows who the hell Jim Gilmore is.
Rick Santorum mailed everyone a bottle of lube, labeled “that’s right, I’m still the only candidate with a sex act named after me … have fun doing butt stuff!”
Ben Carson sent fellow evolution- and climate-change deniers Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee science textbooks filled with “lies.”
Ted Cruz faxed Donald Trump a copy of his Canadian birth certificate just to rub it in Trump’s face that you CAN be born outside of the U.S., have the name Rafael, and still run for president!
Mike Huckabee sent copies of I Heart Huckabees to the other candidates because one of his campaign aides said it did as good a job explaining why the American people would want him to be president as any speech he could give.
Bernie Sanders sent everyone cases of delicious Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream, which arrived melted into an inedible, sticky goo, just as he planned. PRANKED!
Rick Perry — no longer in the race, but still wanting to join in on the pranking fun — sent Donald Trump his pair of glasses so that Trump can “look more lesser dumbererer. haha.”
Lindsey Graham packaged up a box of flaky biscuits, honey butter, two types of homemade jam (peach and raspberry), and some sweet tea that he put in a special container so it wouldn’t spill, along with blue gingham napkins, these cute little mother-of-pearl spread knives he found at this antique shop in downtown Charleston, and a personally inscribed note on his monogrammed stationary wishing everyone, “good luck, y’all!!!!”
Rand Paul sent nothing because he doesn’t believe the U.S. Postal Service should exist in the first place, you fucking commie.
Jeb Bush mailed everyone some guns, but realized whoops, that wasn’t quite right and maybe sends the wrong message. So he e-mailed everyone right-wing propaganda chain letters (the type your crazy aunt would send), but discovered that was also a misstep since no one considers chain letters a clever prank. So he decided to go lighthearted and texted everyone “LOL #jeb!thecoolbush,” but got no responses. So he gave up, made some guac, watched an episode of The Good Wife with Columba, and called it a day.