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February 08, 2016

An Ad Man Explains How He Gets His Jollies From Manipulating Your Emotions In 6 Super Bowl Commercials

Oooh baby what a Super Bowl Sunday, right? This is quite simply the best time of year! A time when people like me, a big time ad boy and commercial maker from up on top of the Hollywood Hills, California, gets to bask in the butt load of attention Super Bowl commercials get for manipulating emotions through music and celebrity and abrupt painful/disgusting crashes. All to sell whatever-the-fuck. I love it, I go crazy for it, I get my jollies from it.

Commercials are like art if art were math but simple and meaningless. And that really speaks to me as a guy who combs and slicks his hair straight back and slicks it down so you can still see the comb marks hours after I’ve last combed.


Here’s an explanation of how me and my commercial cronies manipulated all your weak ass emotions to get our jollies and sell you ketchup or whatever-the-fuck during the Super Bowl.

Some time ago, us commercial-heads figured out the golden rule of comedy: ANYTHING is funny IF it’s RANDOM. Random random random. I can’t say it enough. Or maybe I can because I just jolly juiced my jeans. A puppy who’s also a monkey and also a baby … um, random much? Hilarious!

**Also important to note “ random much” is a good example of just combining a few random things together that kind of sound right and people will pass by it because they are kind of aware of the popular turn of phrase I’m kind of using but won’t really notice that it’s dumb and not interesting at all because they kind of don’t care. Just like commercials!**

Music, baby! License enough great music and we can get people feeling all sorts of ways. I’m talking happy, nostalgic, mournful, FOMO’d, SLOW-MO’d, and HOMO’d (what does that mean? Who cares it made you FEEL something!). Literally all range of human emotion can be manipulated through music, which makes it a commercial boy like me’s best friend.

So the music got you all riled up while some product is being displayed and people are MELTING for us. The brand is happy, the viewers are happy, and I’m getting jollies on my wallies over here because I’m controlling it all and nothing is sincere or real ever except all the cold hard cash we’re all making.

Everyone is misunderstood … and I love it!

Playing on an individual’s insecurities is my favorite way to get jollies and this commercial for some kind of car or another, gets to really stab at how people think other people think about them. It’s way easier to make people feel like they are misunderstood than to simply tell them how a certain car is worth buying.

This one gets bonus jollies out of me for having Randy Johnson in it for some reason. Um … random much?

Remember “Random much?” **Side note: A great thing commercials do is reference something you’re ultra familiar with, like a sentence you read multiple times in the last minute.**

Anyway, this Doritos commercial: Um, random much? So we got a baby in this lady’s belly and it’s what? Wild about Doritos! So it’s gonna do what? Shoot out of her to get that chip that got thrown on the ground. That’s random and kind of gross, so its double funny. Simple formula.

Here’s another simple formula: A short video for a cheese-dusted chip + an emotional response from viewers at home = jollies 4 daddy (daddy = me).

Talking about actual sex? Go to jail.

Implying that people fuck after watching football games? Go to the bank because it’s money time!

And money time is literally less than a second before, you guessed it, JOLLIES TIME!

Finally, little wiener dogs in a wiener costumes running in slow motion with music playing and doofus-looking adults in costumes standing there being happy. People watching this one are laughing, they’re crying, they’re squealing with delight, all because that is how we wanted to make them feel about whatever the fuck product we’re selling! I know how to do this people. I’m making people feel things and then I’m slapping a big corporate logo at the end of the video and then my job is done.

I’ve gotten my jollies from a lot of commercials over the years, but this one is hands down the tops. Once someone suggested dogs in costumes I jollied my jeans (remember that phrase much?)!

Anyway, commercials are for selling products and its guys and gals like me who trick you into thinking a commercial is anything more than that. And I love it much.