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July 02, 2015

Frank smooshed a rat.

Vince Vaughn (Frank) lays next to Woman From Flight (Jordan). Frank’s feet stick out roughly a yard past the edge of the blankets. He tells a story of a time he was locked in a basement and died down there after he nibbled on the finger of a giant rat who smashed Frank’s body repeatedly into the concrete floor until it became “goo”. The rat lived in a papier mâché house with no working light bulbs and plenty of water stains, which still sounds pretty nice for a rat. I was only half-listening to this part so can someone confirm this synops is correct?

Cut to the meeting regarding Casper’s small dead ghost body. Vince Misuka is here, and he may as well be emitting his weird pervy laugh from Dexter when they mention that Casper had chlamydia. It is revealed that Casper’s wrists and sides show trauma, but most importantly forever, Casper’s human peenus was shot off of his actual living human body. They all posit thoughts on how Casper could have died if, while eyeless and dickless, he shows no signs of struggle. Seems as if none of these so called de-tec-tives were paying attention when Casper himself found his sled in the mansion attic and revealed to Christina Ricci that he had died of pneumonia and was, in fact, a levitating Devon Sawa. I mean, hello! It’s called research.

Frank starts sweatin’ over the future of his promised $10 mil. He probably starts sweating as soon as he brushes his teeth in the morning for at 6’ 5" he would likely register as some sort of buffalo on a barn scale but whatever. He banters with the suits as they cross through a big lab. The suits inform Frank that his name never appears in Casper’s plans, which hurts Frank’s feelings since he had written Casper’s name over and over in his own notebooks, sometimes with hearts!! When Frank’s owed amount drops to $7 million from 10, Frank makes some angry phone calls, namely because he has to buy tons and tons of eyeglasses a year due to constantly crushing them with a single hand/forgetting that he is a yeti. It is revealed that his poker room and house were double mortgaged to take part in this super-deal with Casper, which was a dumb thing to do. In a single made-up two-syllabled goofy word, Frank is sca-rood.

Ani is made primary commander on the Casper case, and she and Ray take a trip to talk to Austin, a man who drinks grain alcohol from a Klean Kanteen. Ani drives while simultaneously sucking “a robot’s dick”, which is some pretty amazing multitasking! Ray tells Ani that he supports feminism by having body issues, in what feels like a line shared between Colin and Rachel that the editors just left in. Ray briefs Ani on who he is and what she may hear about him in the coming weeks. Ani tells Ray she’d un-life any dude who ever tried to get fresh with her. Cool! The pair get to Austin’s and inquire about Casper’s date to a recent business dinner. Austin gives us the date’s name but is otherwise useless and way too tan. Next we visit sexy Paul, who is a special investigator on this case. This dude really wants to ride a motorized bicycle. He brings chicken to his trailer-park mom and she has him pick off the bread since she’s eating paleo and can’t believe the boost in energy and focus she’s been feeling ever since she’s started honoring her body and spirit more. Later, Paul will break up with the sex demon and move to LA to continue his special detail assignment. She’s says she can’t “fix” whatever happened to him and then kicks him out for being an aloof piece of shit who probably calls her Harley Davidson when they’re bumping smellies. This dude needs sex demon to know that he is not the one ending their relationship. A quick recap on Paul: bikes. blowjobs. trailer mom. bikes again. This character sucks.

Ray meets up with his ex-wife and this couple’s got some fucking eyebrows! Gena says she’s filing for full custody of the Boy From Sandlot. Go, watch this scene again. There is an actual moment where Ray crosses over from “please don’t do this” into crazy “fuck your dad with your mom’s corpse” territory and it’s fast and scary. They squabble over the beating of Aspen’s dad and what’s best for their son; Ray believes that Sandlot needs Ray in his life. Then comes the threat of a paternity test in an effort to permanently and legally distance Ray from Sandlot. Gena is played by the great Abigail Spencer, who is only listed as appearing in a single episode this season. This means that we are indeed supposed to take her very non-Sandlot appearance into consideration, and tuck away the very dark fact that when (and we will) we come across the monster who raped Gena, it’ll most likely be some pudgy, carrot-topped creep. Who Ray may or may not have killed! When will we know? Will the rapist be on a riding lawn mower, squinting into the sun while remarking on his family’s history like our unbeloved Yellow King Carcosa? Probably not, but if they just aired the rest of season one from this point on I honestly couldn’t tell you if I’d be mad at all.

Ani and Ray visit a clinic for folks trying to break “old cycles.” Casper’s cycle was one of being drawn to younger girls. Ani and Ray ask about Tasha, the woman Casper had been seen with last. The doctor wears tiny glasses and speaks in nonsense, like for instance, he infers that perhaps Rachel McAdams’ character’s full name is Antigone, which just can’t be true. In Greek mythology Antigone is not only the daughter of accidental-prophecy-filler Oedipus, her name literally means “worthy of one’s parents”. Now, we know that her parents are the hippie commune type, so this is definitely eye-roll-y on purpose. Mythology’s Antigone is also the less lovable sister in the Sophocles story that finds Antigone dead after not being allowed to mourn the death of her own brother. A totally different Greek Antigone is married to an accidental murderer. And yet another Antigone claimed to have hair more beautiful than queen-god Hera, who turned Antigone’s hair into snakes, which garnered pity from other gods who then turned Antigone into a stork who ate snakes. So that can’t be her name. It just can’t.

It is here that we learn of the fates of the other children on the commune. “There were five of us,” Ani tells the doctor. “Two are dead. Two are in jail.” There is a pause. “And the fifth..?” coaxes the doctor. “She became a cop,” Ani says. “I’d love to meet her some time.” says the doctor. “Oh,” says Ani. “You will. Believe me. You will.” She starts to laugh and it’s loud and theatrical. Minutes pass as the lights flicker and it’s clear we’re just kinda using every post-it on the idea board this time around.

Frank talks shop with Austin who is drunk outta his damn gourd. Austin calls his son a prince and Frank leaves with a certain danger about him, like a lioness on the prowl on angry teenager at the mall. He makes some crazy threats and thus we have the corrupt Frank of the past, the kind of Frank who plays fast and loose and definitely loses in the end. He goes to a rave to talk some girls about Casper. He finds a large man that looks like that volcano from the Pixar short before Inside Out. One dancer remembers Casper taking her to a small place in Hollywood for secks and wiener stuff. Back at Ray & Frank’s meeting place, a panicky Frank tells Ray that he can make Ray a police chief if he plays dirty and gets Frank outta this mess. Ray doesn’t even know what the point is anymore, a comment probably more about life and the loss of his son to his ex and her new, clean Ray. Frank has no time for Ray’s existential talk (this episode featured the “we get the world we deserve” tagline, of course) and leaves, and the pretty waitress with the crazy scars asks to take Ray on vacation. “Sorry, can’t.” says he. “Gonna die.”

And with that, Ray sneaks into Casper’s Hollywood fuck den only to find sex swings, walls covered in sound-reducing foam— and the most important element: eerie past-era music. HOW SUCCESSFULLY MACABRE!! Ray snoops around the seemingly empty haunt until he is shot, twice, by an American eagle with a Homo sapien body! FROM SEA TO SHINING SEAAAA!!

Misc.: How about that chillingly silent shot of the empty driveway; yikes! Ray has gotta be dead, right? We may still see him in flashbacks, but JEEZ! They really did it! When Ani says that 2 of the children from the commune are in jail, does this include sister Athena (a character classically regarded in mythology as “third-born;” I’m betting now on there having been an older brother who is one of the 2 dead former children mentioned)? I can’t recall if she was getting hauled off when we met her at the brothel bust. Ani is the only character that I feel invested in, which is fine I guess. I hope it’s through her that the rest of this story unfolds, and not through Frank or Paul. Already bored with money struggles and motorcycle lust.

Krista writes weekly recaps. Follow her on Twitter @potatoemporium.