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March 07, 2016
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Hey, he could still win this thing. I mean, he can't, but who knows!

With Trump and Cruz racking up more and more presidential primary wins, it is becoming increasingly unlikely that Ohio Governor John Kasich will be able to win the GOP nomination. This has lead many to wonder why he hasn’t dropped out of the race. Though he is clearly an optimist, there are a myriad of things that could happen that may still lead to a Kasich victory. Here are 16 of them.

  • He bumps his head on a kitchen cabinet corner, putting his deeply suppressed charismatic jock personality “Johnny Koolsich” in control for six months.
  • Those gravitational waves, maybe?
  • A Kasich sex tape “leaks"and it is surprisingly hot to everyone just because of how into it he is.
  • He correctly guesses the number of jelly beans in the nomination jar.
  • He shoots a black teenager.
  • He travels back in time and steps on every butterfly he can find.
  • Someone decides to use their last wish for the most implausible thing ever.
  • Despite going into the GOP Convention with less votes, Kasich is the only candidate able to ride Ol’ Leatherneck, the Republican Party’s untamable bronco.
  • He finishes construction of the Kasich Reasonably High Office Building, under budget and on time, as a mild showcase of his moderate views.
  • He grows a lot taller because tall people get a lot more votes I think.
  • The simple brass bauble he brings to the Convention is favored by Brokerman while the gaudy golden bauble Trump brings to the Convention is disfavored by Brokerman.
  • In a surprise move, the GOP cuts its highest performers to free up salary-cap space.
  • Undeniable evidence for the existence of God presents itself.
  • He turns into a gun.
  • Kasich pulls down Trump’s pants in front of entire class.
  • Who?
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