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Dear Whore Of Babylon,

As a teenager I was never popular with girls, so when I finally found a woman who loved me I hung on to her. I married young and now, ten years later, I’m successful and respected at my job. However, I’m also now surrounded by beautiful young women; Women who respond to me far more than girls did when I was young. I’m tempted to stray all the time, but I still love my wife. What should I do?

Sincerely,

             Tom in D.C.
 

Dear Tom,

Oh, you boys and your naughty thoughts! Well, Tom, on the one hand you have a loving wife who thought you were worthwhile before you were successful, as opposed to these other women who have never known you as anything but the well-to-do, powerful man you now are. Logic states that the former is far more likely to stick by you through thick and thin. The younger ladies may not be so patient. You should think twice before betraying the trust of she who was there for you when nobody else was.

On the other hand, Tom, I am the Whore Of Babylon, the bride of all demons and the mother of the foul temptresses and abominations upon the earth. So in my professional capacity, I say go for it. Bang your brains out; the little wifey need never know.

XXOO,

          WOB

 
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Dear Whore of Babylon,

My mother always has a drink in her hand. Sometimes it’s a glass of wine, sometimes a Manhattan or a Martini. She doesn’t really drink all that much, but whether she’s at home, at a party or in a restaurant she always needs alcohol to be close by. As she grows older I’m growing more embarrassed by this, because she often has a drink with her even when it’s inappropriate, such as when we’re just walking down the street. My mother is a good person and I don’t want people thinking she’s a lush. However, I find it hard to tell her. Should I let her know?

Thank you,

              Debbie the dedicated Daughter in Detroit




Dear Debbie,

Some people need a drink in hand as a sort of security blanket, even if they’re not always drinking. This is the same impulse, I think, that makes it hard for some people to quit smoking. If this is preventing her from leading a happy, normal life I would say you should certainly mention it. Otherwise, hey, leave her be! Some ladies really look elegant with a drink in hand.

There’s me, for example. I am the Whore Of Babylon, Queen of Harlots, who carries in her hand a golden cup full of the filth of her fornications. But you won’t see me taking a drink from it. When I want to get sloshed, I just drink my fill of the blood of the saints and martyrs of Jesus and then ride naked through town on the back of the beast with seven heads and ten horns. I guess we’ve all been there; Am I right, girlfriend?

XXOO,

           WOB

 
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Dear Whore Of Babylon,

My work friends are constantly talking about designer clothing, jewelry, accessories, expensive restaurants, etc. Some spend most of their income on material things, and demand that their boyfriends buy them even more. I try to dress well and I have some nice jewelry but I just don’t see the necessity of all these pricey material goods. Also, I prefer to date men who are nice to me, not who buy me nice things. Still, I feel a strong social pressure to be concerned with what I consider trivial and a waste of time and money; I’d prefer to invest my money for the future. Should I go shopping or go shopping for new friends?

Thanks,
          
             Lisa from Sacramento
 


Dear Lisa,

              Well, you can forget about planning for the future; the apocalypse is coming within 11 months (I’m contractually obligated not to reveal anything further) so you may as well live it up now. In your last days live and dress in whatever way makes you feel good. Personally, I like to wear garments of scarlet and purple and to be decked with gold, pearls and precious stones; that’s what the book says, anyway. I have my cutoffs-and-bikini-top days, too.

As for men, well, a nice normal guy is good for getting you through a tough work week but I prefer the ones who offer up their souls and bathe my reptilian skin with their tongues until they contract into a dry shell of madness and disease. I am, after all, the Whore Of Babylon.

XXOO,

           WOB

 
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Dear Whore Of Babylon,

Despite my parents’ strong urgings against it, I am planning to get my first tattoo soon. My question is, what is a good tattoo for a young woman? I’m already self-employed and don’t need to worry about getting a job, but I guess I want a tattoo that makes me look sexy without being slutty. Also, where should I have it?

Sincerely,

           Pre-tat Trina
 


Dear Trina,

              Slutty is the new sexy; don’t be afraid to let ‘em know your hatchet wound is available for extreme sports. I’m also self-employed, and maybe you could try what I do; combine your tattoo design with your job. Mine consists of my job title, “BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH,” written in 72-point Sylfaen type on my forehead. That might be too showy for you; a simple website URL will do just fine.

XXOO,

         WOB

 
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Dear Whore Of Babylon,

I like my job but I’m not so crazy about my co-workers. My boss is a jerk, my colleagues are mean and Machiavellian. The rest are just not too bright. Plus, everyone seems to make a sport of spreading rumors about each other, especially about me. The latest is that I’m a cocaine addict. And people believe it! I’ve wanted to work in publishing for years but now that I’m here it’s being ruined by these monsters. Should I find another line of work or stick it out until I get enough authority to make the workplace better? I am truly lost about what to do.

Sincerely,

             Frankie the Frustrated
 


Dear Frankie,
 
              Hey, do you want to know about working with monsters? Try taking a meeting with the Beast of the Seas, the Beast of the Land and the False Prophet. There’s hell on earth for you. And rumors? For almost two millennia I’ve had to deal with the rumor that I’m allegorical. Me, allegorical? With this sweet rack? Hardly.

We all have to deal with that double-edged sword of modern life; the fact that our prize roses are surrounded by thorns. We want to smell the flower without feeling the pricks. How much you can take is something you’ll have to decide for yourself. Don’t forget that working with jerks in a job you like is infinitely better than working with jerks in a job that you hate.

And yes, eventually you can find a place for yourself where you can make your work environment friendlier. Believe in yourself and your ability to change things for the better. I wasn’t always the Whore Of Babylon. Once, I was just a whore. Now, I can proudly say that I am responsible for bringing about the most important early stage of end times. Do you want the world to end in a slow, painful scourge of decadence and torture culled from the darkest and most sanctimonious misanthropy to infect the human imagination? You’ve got to go through me first and Frankie, this could be you one day.

 
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