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May 11, 2012

Forget "Fifty Shades of Grey"! Read a much better, hotter, fanfic starring a beloved literary character.



Have you read “50 Shades of Grey”? Apparently enough people have that it is being adapted into a movie. An impressive feat for a book that began as an erotic fan fiction based on the “Twilight” saga. As of right now, it is the only best-seller that can claim that impressive feat, but I expect that to change before very long. But long before the most impressive literary achievement to ever be achieved, “Twilight”, was achieved, another book touched the hearts and souls of millions, and now, thanks to it being adopted into an erotic fan-fiction by me, is about to touch you in places you didn’t even know were there. Presenting some luscious excerpts from future best-seller “50 Shades of Red & White”.


50 Shades of Red & White

By Oswald Van Lostenfond


I had never been more lost or confused. I found myself on a beach with no recollection of how I got there. The beach was full of curious dangers, such as a young boy swimming with a prop shark fin on his back, unaware he was being chased by a real shark, and a beach ball about to be popped by a cacti plant. But I was oblivious to these as I had more pressing things on my mind, like dying from heatstroke because I was wearing a wool sweater on a sunny beach in August. In a desperate plea for help, I started writing postcards to strangers all around the world. That’s when I met her. Her name was Wilma, and she looked exactly like me. She wore the same striped top and wool toque. She even carried a cane like me. I had found my perfect counterpart. It was like looking into a fun-house mirror, but instead of making you pudgy in the face or lanky in the body (I was already plenty of both) it infused your body full of estrogen. Then, a giant index finger descended from the sky mere inches from where I stood and my memory was wiped blank again.”

“We found ourselves on a ski hill. Wilma forced me to tell her stories about my past. “Tell me everything,” she whispered. “Are you really looking to be found, or are you just happy being lost?” “I have terrible hat hair,” I told her nervously. “That’s why I never take off my toque, even on the beach. It has damaged my scalp quite a bit.” I add ashamedly. There were more dangerous things happening on this very hill, such as a dog attempting to snowboard and a skier about to trip on his own comically elongated scarf, but at the moment, that didn’t matter. “I can’t help but notice that you’re rather young, but you use a cane,” she told me. “Why?” I had never told anyone this before, but I told her about how I had slipped and fallen and tore a ligament while I was not looking the right way on a ski slope. It was this very ski slope in fact, which is why it so pained me to return here. “But you have cane too. Why?” I asked. “Gout,” she told me. I had never been so turned on. I couldn’t believe it - I had had that once when I was trapped in a German sausage factory for six days. We had so very much in common that it was going to be like doing myself – and, being a wearily single world traveller, I had been forced to do just that many times. “Waldo,” she whispered, “I am about to make you as horizontal as the stripes on your sweater.”

Finally, we found ourselves in the aquarium. A temperate enough place to wear both a toque and a striped sweater. But things were about to get wet, and I’m not just talking about the marine life contained to the giant glass tanks.  Having regained a lot of my confidence, I turned to Wilma and asked, “Does the pom-pom match the drapes?”


Up next be sure to read “50 Shades of Yellow”, an erotic fan-fiction featuring Curious George’s care-giver. He wears his skinny ten-gallon hat in the book, but I won’t say where.