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June 20, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

On Monday, Microsoft unveiled its iPad competitor, Surface. The name referring to what will soon happen to news that Microsoft is going bankrupt.

The Surface is the same weight and thickness as an iPad but it also has a built-in stand. Making it perfect for leaning your iPad against.

The New York Times reports that of the thousands of doormen in New York City, only a few hundred are women. "Really? Women don't want to work in a job where they'd have to hear jokes about 'receiving packages' every day?" said no one.

During an episode of “Thailand’s Got Talent,” one contestant used her breasts to paint a picture. Judges said it wasn't the worst painting they'd ever seen, but it wasn't the breast either.

At an airport in England, a gay man was accused of pedophilia ostensibly because he had a camera and a boyfriend. Authorities said him being gay had nothing to do with it, but rather the fact that he had a Sony Cybershot.

In response to senators asking the NSA how many people it has spied on, the NSA replied that answering the question "would violate the privacy of U.S. persons." Adding, "And to violate people's privacy would undermine our top priority: violating people's privacy."

An inspection of the Apple's latest MacBook Pro revealed that it's practically impossible to either upgrade or recycle. A decision that would make Steve Jobs stay motionless in his grave.

At a charity event, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was heard saying Mitt Romney would make a better president than Barack Obama. Bloomberg dismissed the story, as everyone knows he thinks he'd be a better president than anyone.

The British firm responsible for the Tupac hologram says it hopes to take Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, and Marilyn Monroe on tour. Their biggest hurdle? 3D drugs.

Ron Paul will host a pre-Republican National Convention. Paul says he's excited and can't wait to work with co-host Ryan Seacrest.

In an upcoming comic, Alan Moore will reportedly portray Harry Potter as the Antichrist. That is, he's going to make it more obvious.

A Seattle brewery has begun making a non-alcoholic beer for dogs. They initially tried making one for cats but realized they're mainly into smoking.

Arsenio Hall is in talks with CBS to make a new late-night TV show. CBS says its also interested in bringing back Pokemon Red and the term "Let's dip."

A 7-year-old who was in a coma after suffering a brain hemorrhage starting waking up after her mother sang "Rolling in the Deep" to her while it played on the radio. Adele could not be reached for comment, as she was busy in heaven since she's literally an angel.

Rep. Mike Rogers said President Obama will approve CISPA if it passes the Senate. Though Rodgers admits that's based on what's he's seen in Obama's private Facebook account.