Russia announced plans to patrol the Gulf of Mexico with long range bomber flights, its latest international provocation taking us all a little bit closer to World War III. What most people don’t realize, however, is how many times we’ve come close before. Funny Or Die News presents the following Fact Blast of our armageddon Missed Connections:
- In 1841, the United States’s entire arsenal was accidentally launched toward Russia after a white deer was mistaken for a telegram. Luckily it was 1841 so the launch consisted of Irish children throwing pinecones.
- In 1949, Russian dictator Josef Stalin nearly launched Russia’s entire nuclear arsenal out of intense loneliness after his decision to have the entire population of Russia sent to the gulag.
- In 1959 during a diplomatic visit to Washington D.C., dozens of chipmunks rushed into one of Nikita Khrushchev’s business suits while he slept at his hotel and then walked it over to the White House, where the rodent-powered clothing was immediately given access to the Oval Office after being mistaken for the Russian head of state. After several faux pas, including the rough mounting of the First Lady, President Eisenhower was seconds away from launching a nuclear attack when the chipmunks suddenly scattered when a cat passed by a window looking out over the Rose Garden.
- In 1960, both nuclear key’s went missing and a Russian spy was suspected. It turns out that they were both also used as the bathroom door keys and the night worker accidentally kept leaving them in his pocket when he left the bathroom.
- In 1972, a large flock of geese triggered several NORAD systems, indicating Russian MIGs were in U.S. airspace, nearly causing a nuclear launch. However, when the geese were captured and interrogated, their political beliefs were discovered to lean toward social democracy rather than communism.
- In 1990, a time-traveling Russian assassin from 2132 made an attempt on President George H.W. Bush’s life. A nuclear apocalypse was averted when the Russians agreed to shut down their time-traveling assassin program, ensuring that the attempt never happened.
- In 2013 Vladamir Putin almost caused World War III by arming and launching the entire Russian arsenal at the U.S. in order to cause World War III. This would have worked had the Russian missiles not all immediately failed to launch because they were built like garbage by dumbass Russians idiots. Fuck Russia. What? Come at us, pussies.