Dear Mr. President Barack Obama,
First off, we’d like to thank you for weighing in on the ever-widening Bill Cosby sexual-assault scandal. While your position (president) precludes you from commenting directly on pending legal matters, we very much appreciate your implied condemnation of Cosby’s alleged actions.
And we also understand that you cannot revoke Mr. Cosby’s Presidential Medal of Freedom, as there is no precedent for such an action. We completely get it — as much as you’d like to strip Cosby of the medal, you’re bound by decorum and the traditions of your aforementioned office (president) to let the award stand.
However, there is nothing preventing you from awarding Bill Cosby another, brand-new medal, right? At the risk of coming off as presumptuous, we have designed this all new official Presidential Rapist Medal that would be perfect for you to give to Cosby:
In addition to awarding this medal to him in a ceremony where people could throw rotten garbage at him (you would be provided with a garbage-proof suit of some kind), you could also enact a presidential decree that would make it a law for him to wear the Rapist Medal all the time (even in the shower or the pool) so everyone would know what a terrible human being he is — maybe even Whoopi Goldberg, finally. And then, perhaps, in at least some small way, he will be held accountable for the horrible things he’s (allegedly) done.
The ball is in your court, Mr. President Obama. Please do this crazy thing we asked you to do.