Listen, I’m a red-white-and-blue-blooded American like everybody else. I am, and always will be, loyal to these United States. But I just need everyone to know that if anyone wins this presidential election, I am moving to Canada to be with Justin Trudeau.
This may sound like a thinly-veiled excuse to abandon the US and spend my days and nights perched outside of Justin Trudeau’s window, watching him brush those sparkling diamonds he calls teeth or basking in the light of a fire he built himself. But it’s not.
Seriously, if you tell me that Donald Trump is the President of the United States of America, I’m out of here! I’m leaving based on real and true and honest and consistent moral values that I’ve always had. And I’m moving to Canada to spend every waking hour proving to Justin Trudeau that I am worthy of his love and body. Because I can’t just sit around and watch America crumble, I love it too much.
But what if Hillary wins???
Oh, you mean Hitler-y Clinton? No thanks. She’s too much of a politician and that is not what this country needs! We also don’t need anyone who’s not a politician like Trump! What this country needs is for me to move to Canada and let Justin Trudeau explain quantum science to me softly as I fall asleep with my head in his lap every night. What this country NEEDS is for me and Justin Trudeau to make sweet, sweet love in the Canadian wilderness as a bunch of moose and stuff watch. That’s what it needs!
I’m not being selfish either, I’m doing this for my kids. They will be much better off if mommy is happy in Canada with the love of her life, Justin Trudeau. They want mommy to be a Prime Ministress!
(Honestly, it should prove to you how serious I am about this that I am willing to talk to Canadian people. Nobody even likes them.)
And you know what? Canadians should be outraged too! Don’t they see that America is out of control and they should do something about it? Go do something, Canadians! All of you should leave Canada to go protest America so Justin Trudeau and I can finally have the country to ourselves. Hiking through nature, kissing beneath the sunset, fucking hard all over the Canadian White House…
I know this all seems like a joke, but do you see a smile on this face? No, because I’ll not smile until every single person gets away from my baby, Justin Trudeau, with his snugly tailored slacks, dazzling crystal eyes, and the untamed hair of a Grecian conquerer!
Don’t even try to test me, America. I swear, if anyone is elected in the next election, I’m out of here.
And boy will you miss me!