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February 02, 2012

Here's a plan: Since politics suck and singing is more interesting, let's all vote via texting!




"American Idol" to Decide GOP Race!


Singing more interesting than politics, everyone says


LOS ANGELES  – You’re going to Hollywood – and guess what – you just might take the rest of the country with you!

The candidates in the race to get the Republican nomination so they can run against Barack Obama in this November’s election decided, in a joint decision with FOX and the American people, that primaries and caucuses and stuff like that are a giant waste of time and pretty boring, so they would rather elect the potential next leader of the free world via reality television instead.

Supposed front-runners for the nomination Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich have both come under fire recently for using songs at their campaign events recently, without the consent of the artist – “Waving Flag” and “Eye of the Tiger”, respectively.

But now we can combine the candidates’ irreverent and unfitting tastes in music with Idol’s incredibly lenient stance on copyright infringement to make the reality event of the season – American Idol: Road to the GOP. It’s about time that the people of America knew how well their politicians can potentially sing songs written by other people.

The system works as such – candidates will continue to give boring speeches and talk in circles about blah blah blah, however it is now a required part of their campaign to gain the approval of Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, Randy Jackson, and America’s text-messaging community. As they travel the country, candidates will gain either a “Yeah” or a “Sorry, no” or a “Dawg” from the three judges, as well as a certain number of delegate votes, based on how well they articulate their platform and how on-beat or swag their hip hop and rap covers seem.

Easy way to remember – delegate sort of sounds like “Dat’s legit”. Candidates want to be as legit as possible to stand a chance at the nomination. Each candidate also stands to win a super-dawg-legit from Randy Jackson.

This all leads up to the Republican National Convention, where delegates of the Republican Party will choose their nominees for President of the United States, come August. Or as Randy Jackson calls it, Dawg-ust.  

For the past 10 seasons, American Idol has featured a wide variety of characters – from the attention-starved to the quirky to the overexposed to the questionable to the few who are doing it clearly just to get on TV a few times. This race will be no different, we’re assured.

“It just made perfect sense,” said a rep for Idol. “People under 21 just aren’t going out and voting. Neither are people over 21. Young people would take so much more of an interest if they saw their candidates showing their vulnerable sides on camera by being openly judged in real time. So would old people. And then a few weeks later, regardless of how things turn out, candidates get a chance to talk over a montage of themselves about what an incredible journey it’s been while “Bad Day” plays in the background.  We want to give everyone a fair and equal chance to get involved in their fellow citizen’s lives before they remember Barack Obama exists. Plus, who wants to get up early to vote? Just text your ballot instead.”  

So the big question is no longer where each candidate stands on each issue – it’s what song they will use to cover it in their next round of debates or auditions.

Romney says he’s going to tone things back a bit, and is planning to sing “No Rain” by Blind Melon.

“My life is pretty plain,” he adds.

Newt Gingrich declined to comment but rumor has it he’s planning  a tribute to Elton John’s “Rocket Man” – because of his love for space exploration, nothing gay.

After Snoop Dogg generously endorsed Ron Paul earlier this week, Paul has decided to return the favor by covering Mr. Dogg’s “Drop It Like It’s Hot” while smoking a marijuana joint in a hot tub, while Rick Santorum says he will be performing a cover of Cyndi Laupers “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, slightly tweaked now to “Fun Should Between a Man and Woman”.

American Idol: Road to the GOP airs Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8 pm on FOX, and as spring progresses, pretty much every goddamn second of the day. Ryan Seacrest moderates!