Of all the things Joan Rivers did in her legendary, trailblazing career, there is one thing she never got around to crossing off the ol’ bucket list. “Apologize.” Hell, it was never on there in the first place.
Every line she crossed, every shattered glass ceiling, every single person or entire people she insulted was simply in the pursuit of a laugh. In Joan’s eyes, laughter is the ultimate relief from all the shit life throws at us on a day-by-day-by-day basis, so either hop on the train or have fun getting run over.
Of course, there’s no one she loved to make fun of more than herself. And so as a tribute, here are some of her greatest jokes about her favorite topic: Joan Rivers. And if you only learn one thing from Joan, be it this: “Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”
- My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
- I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963.
- My mother never told me a damn thing. I asked my mother, “Where am I from?” She gave me a fake address in Cleveland.
All I ever heard growing up was why can’t you be like your cousin Sheila? Why can’t you be like your cousin Sheila? Sheila had died at birth.
- I was so flat, I used to put Xs on my chest and write, “You are here.” I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
- I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life. Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade. My gynecologist examines me by telephone.
- Have you ever looked at a vagina? It looks like an old man with no teeth smiling at you.
- Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
- My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Want to know why women don’t blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
- I had my child. As a joke, the nurse brought out a puppy wrapped in a blanket. Brought it in. “Looks like you.”
- I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.
- I said to my husband, “my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs.” He said, “Blue goes with everything.”
- The minute I had Melissa, I would talk to her in the carriage, I would talk to her while I was changing. She spoke at seven months, which is incredible. Her first words were, would you shut up already?
My daughter and I are very close. We speak ever single day. I call her everyday and I say the same thing. “Pick up, I know you’re there.” And she says the same thing back. “How’d you get this new number?”
- Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, “Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.”
- I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
- I once asked my husband, “Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?” He said, “Because I don’t want to wake you up.
- I don’t think I’m good in bed; my husband never said anything, but after we made love he’d take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
- My mother-in-law hated me in life. She was a whiner. Yes, a whiner. “Joan, you’re standing on my windpipe.” It was always about her.
- I’ve always been fat. I was my own buddy at camp. I was such a fat kid, my mother used to buy bathing suits with blowholes in them.
- Is she fat? … Her favorite food is seconds.
- The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
- You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
- My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
- You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
- I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
- You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
- I hate people who die of natural causes… I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know. One morning you’ll wake up and read a headline: Joan Rivers Found Dead…On George Clooney’s Face. Clooney Was So Bereft All He Could Say Was, ‘Xjfhfyrnem.’