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July 03, 2008
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I Have Gas

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

I’m at an all time low, as many of you are, when it comes to filling up my Accord. I get good mileage-25 MPG average- but it still costs over $50 now to fill up. I started going $20 hand to mouth, but it really just delays the agony. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would get a sense of true serenity by seeing the gauge on ‘F’. And by hand to mouthing, it is painful because I see the price changes almost by the minute.

I remember about 6 weeks ago, I was getting gas on an early on a Saturday (it was $3.71 then) an as I’m using the pump, the attendant came out to raise the price 7 cents.

It got up to $4.44 last week—then came down to $4.39 for 29 seconds and now is back at $4.44. Connecticut has the highest gas tax in the country, which explains why we’re always .17 higher than anybody else. I drove to Boston 2 weeks ago and as soon as I hit the Mass border- at a busy rest stop that can probably charge anything they want because of convenience, it was .20 cheaper. Jodi Rell, our Governor, may get fairly high approval ratings, but I can tell you she’s been taken off my Xmas card and Yahoo Birthday Remainders for good. She likes Gucci anyway, so I’m going to save $. To buy gas. Because of her taxes. Vicious cycle anyone??

I used to not give it a 2nd thought, at $30, $40 a tank- whatever- the ‘full’ feeling was enough. Now, at over $50, I’m still hungry when I only put in $20. Ravenous. And I want someone to be held accountable.

If you’ve been paying attention, we know who that is. Speculators on Wall Street. Money grubbing jerks that they are. THEY are still driving their Hummers in Greenwich, paying over $5 for full serve (you don’t think they get out to pump, do you? Maybe they’d force their illegal immigrant nanny to do it, but fucking Buffy ain’t putting her just manicured hands on no stinkin’ pump!)

Yet I meld with them on weekends, officiating sports their kids play and they act nice. During the day, however, these folks step over the homeless in NYC and never give it a 2nd thought. Why? My guess is in the comfort of suburban Darien, they don’t have to worry about it. Except when they step over them and the guy pukes on their shoes. Instead of getting him to a shelter, they go to the shoe shine guy. And complain when the shine’s not quite right. And try to get the homeless guy to pay for it with his Ripple money.

So, unlike my douche bag buddy Lieberman, we actually have someone in Congress doing something. Shocking, but true. John Larson, CT US Rep D-1, has introduced legislation that will stop the hedge fund speculators in their tracks.

How?

By forcing them to take the product they buy. But they don’t have anywhere to put it. It’s hard to get a barrel of oil in your Lincoln Escalade, never mind 23,000 of them.

They can’t do that now- these hedge fund guys are just trading paper. It’s just gambling with large amounts of money. But it really wasn’t a gamble a few months ago that oil was going up to at least $120 per barrel. My dog could have placed that bet. So these idiots buy at a gazillion barrels at $95, sell at $120, make $35,000,000,000,000 in a week and never have to touch the stuff. Oh, and they only have to put 5% down. I guess the credit crisis is not impacting them. Oops, I forgot, they’re the ones fucking CAUSING it.

To make matters worse, the CFTC (Federal Commodity Trade Commission) - the guys that can control this kind of shit- along with the oil companies- is not doing anything about it. I can hear Bush calling and saying to the head guy “Relax, partner! Go on vacation. Don’t worry. When I invade Iran, we’ll have all the oil we need to sell at $6.75 a gallon. Gotta go, Cheney’s on the line and says we need to give him another Halliburton contract or his gay daughter will have to discontinue her $5000/hr shrink sessions to get her straight’.

In 2000, ‘the Enron loophole- the way these companies don’t have to take possession was created. Created by the guy who was the CFTC leader. A guy that resigned to take another job. At Enron. I’m going to throw up.

Some other interesting stats-

1)      Last week, 4 big oil companies won no bid contracts with the Iraqi government. The government we set up.

2)      Bush just wants to ruin Alaska. He envisions it becoming more like Texas. The way global warming is working, even without drilling, that will be by next week. George says the brown bear can be just like the buffalo that were in Texas- they make great ornaments over your mantle.

3)      The oil companies have 60,000,000 acres of places to drill. They haven’t used them. But they need Alaska. “There Will be Blood” was totally on the mark.

Finally, Larson’s legislation will not pass. There will be guys who cry ‘too much government’ and ‘we can’t play with our free economy’. Lieberman will be one- mark my words.

Meanwhile, home heating oil is projected to go to $4.50 a gallon by the winter. When I moved into my house in ’95 (and for the 1rst few years) it was .85 I use around 1200 gallons a year. ‘95=$1020. ‘08/9= $5400. That’s a 529% increase. I have no idea how I’m going to manage that. And if I have to think about it, what about the Wal-Mart cashier making $8.75/hr with 2 kids and no benefits?

Something must give. I’m scared.

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