1) Great! It’s Those Characters I Don’t Know From That Web Series I’ll Never Watch
I’ll watch the original show. I guess I’ll watch the spinoff. But I refuse to watch a spinoff web series of a spinoff, especially when it’s broken up into Snapchat length clips rolled out one week at a time. A man has his zombie limits! So when these allegedly familiar faces showed up, I didn’t give a shit. Sorry. Wait, never mind, I’m not sorry. I’m hungry for lunch. I always get those two confused.
Did she just pour vodka directly on his face to try and help things? Yikes! I guess I can’t point any fingers here, that’s how I try to solve a lot of my problems, too.
2) When Did Hero Dad Become A Yacht Repairman?
Remember five minutes ago when Hero Dad taught English class? Now he’s a yacht repair expert who is certified in scuba diving. You can be anything you set your mind to in the zombie apocalypse! Want to pretend to be a doctor? Sure! Go for it, plenty of folks are doing it these days including Nurse Smirnoff on the life raft of death. Want to scuba dive and repair yachts? Bibbidi-Zombiedi-Boo, just waved the magic apocalypse career wand! Congratulations on your promotion, now go get elbow deep in actual shit and zombie guts. Nobody said this gig would be glamorous.
3) “We Need More Clothes”
Nick is finally talking sense. You definitely do need more clothes, Nick! I’ve been saying that since you put on that ridiculous outfit that you refuse to take off. Cool, time to haul a bunch of empty suitcases over to that beach full of luggage because that’s a plan that makes a ton of sense and has no very obvious flaws.
4) Ponytail Is My New Favorite Character
Ponytail is definitely my new favorite character. Ponytail is both bold and also dynamic (with a side of compelling) and you never know what Ponytail will do next! Except look stupid. You can pretty much guarantee that Ponytail will look stupid at all times, but other than that Ponytail is a loose cannon that plays by its own rules in a lawless land! Can’t wait for the inevitable Ponytail spinoff streamed in 30 second increments on Facebook Live over the course of six months: Fear The Stupid Haircut. Sounds like there will be ample opportunity for a Carl Grimes crossover.
5) Not Another Terrible Hat
What is it with people putting terrible hats on their heads during the zombie apocalypse? Don’t we have enough of that on that other show that’s on at the same time on the same channel just during different parts of the year? There’s a time and a place for wearing dumb hats and it’s called the Disneyland gift shop. You and your friends put on silly hats in the Disneyland gift shop that you have no intention of ever buying and take zany pictures. IT IS FUN! It is a really fun way to get head lice.
So is the captain’s shirt dirty because of something that happened during the web series or does this captain just travel with disgusting clothes on the reg that he apparently uses to actually wipe his ass? That doesn’t inspire a ton of confidence in the guy who is in charge of the lives of hundreds of people every day. Have some self-respect and at least use your socks.
6) Strand’s Shady Plan Is Still Pretty Decent
Strand’s extremely sketchy plan, the one he’s clearly had in place the whole time but has shrouded from the group for wildly vague reasons, is suspect. I’ll be the first to admit it! But it’s still the best plan in town right now and you are on his boat (or at least the boat he says is his, which is entirely close enough) so just shut up and go with it? Also, Mother Lady, Salazar asked you to go have a diplomatic conversation with the guy. You just ran in the room and screamed, “MEXICO!” That’s not how you start a diplomatic conversation. That’s how you start the Spring Break road trip of a lifetime that will ultimately lead to your friend Steve forgetting his credit card at Señor Frogs and contracting herpes from a 20-year-old named Rachel in the same afternoon. Was it worth it, Steve? I hope it was worth it. You have to warn every sexual partner you have for the rest of your life, I really fucking hope it was worth it.
7) You’re Freaking Us Out, Chris
Chris, you are terrible. As has been previously established, you’re somehow even worse than Carl. Salazar was very clear about the whole “stay where I can see you” thing and you decide to wander off just so you can … JESUS CHRIST, CHRIS! BLUDGEON A LIVING HUMAN TO DEATH?
They grow up so fast! Anyone else think Chris enjoyed this a little too much? Chris was definitely that neighborhood kid who threw cinderblock chunks at stray dogs. He’s going to grow up to be a serial killer is what I’m saying, keep an eye on that psycho.
8) Shit Just Got Real
You know shit gets real when parental figures (I know that’s not Chris’ dad) start cursing you out in their native tongue. You don’t need subtitles to understand an ass whooping is imminent. I don’t usually support beating kids, but I’m cool if Salazar whoops Chris when they get back to the boat. Whoop him to death, Salazar! Torture him too, while you’re at it. Just leave Ponytail out of this. Ponytail has been through enough today and Ponytail never did anything to hurt anybody. Ponytail is new Daryl. If Ponytail dies, we riot.
9) This Zombie Has Crabs
When did animals start eating zombies on this show? First I’ve seen it! Wouldn’t all the animals be attacking zombies all the time? And I don’t know about you, but when I see a life-threatening situation I like to find the most precarious ledge possible and put all my weight on it while I gather my thoughts. Truly the perfect plan where nothing could go wrong.
This zombie was gross, and I always appreciate it when the show finds new ways to make zombies gross, but way more interesting to me was the fact that they managed to make Nick’s already dirty shirt that much dirtier. We’ve only known this shirt for half an episode and it’s already had more character development than Daughter Lady.
10) Their First Last Stand
This was a cool scene! It reminded me of that time The Gang from that other show took a stand in Alexandria. It’s nice to see these characters really embracing the reality of the situation for once. Zombie whoopings all around! And then Nick covered in blood out of nowhere!
Way to have a real Rick Grimes moment, Nick! It has been zero days since a character on this network has been covered in someone else’s blood.“I’m OK,” is what Nick says to comfort his sister and I’m going to have to RESPECTFULLY ZOMBIE DISAGREE WITH YOU ON THIS ONE, BUD as you are currently covered in blood. That’s the definition of not OK. Now go talk to some more walkers, they’re a huge upgrade from most of the conversations you folks are having on the boat.
11) Hero Dad Finally Agrees With Lady
I’m not currently in any kind of relationship (shocking!) but I know enough about them to know that you’re supposed to generally agree with each other about stuff. Same team! It saves you time and energy and that’s what it’s all about. I guess? I’m actually the last person who should weigh in on this stuff, my last serious girlfriend broke up with me over email. Still, it was surprising to me that Hero Dad decided to wait this long to openly agree and support Lady (Miranda?) who he’s been fighting with pretty much non-stop since they got on the boat. The world is literally ending and people are coming back from the dead. You’re already living in hell, no need to add “being in a constant fight” to your plate of bullshit.
12) You Just Got Strand-ed
If there’s one thing Nurse Smirnoff on the raft got right, it’s that this is the worst. In every sense of everything. But when life gets you down, just remember it’s only the worst day of your life SO FAR! It can always get more awful! Don’t believe me?
CHOP GOES THE STRAND BLADE! Strand is the most coldblooded dude ever and I love it. I’ve heard of severing ties with people, but Strand ACTUALLY severed ties with these people! And for no real good reason, it’s not like dragging them around was going to hurt them in any way possible. That’s just Strand being Strand and if you can’t handle him at his rope chopping you don’t deserve him at his yacht having! Join us next week! Will Nurse Smirnoff link up with Alicia’s pirate boyfriend and tip them off to where Strand’s gang is heading? MY MONEY IS ON ZOMBIE YES. Will Chris’ Ponytail have more lines than Daughter Lady? Almost certainly. Will I read every single one of your comments that you post around these articles? I always do! Everywhere you post them! To the one lady who keeps proposing to me every week and insists I’m ignoring her or blocked her (it’s neither), I glanced at your Facebook page and you’re married already! I’m flattered but you should maybe dial that scandalous shit down! Plus I am in no way prepared to raise your children, the ones you have with your husband! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S02E04 of Fear The Walking Dead!