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March 11, 2016

Oozing the purple hate-goo from Ghostbusters.

The 5 Instagram Posts You’ll See Over Spring Break and How To Justify Hating All of Them

Spring Break! So fun! Can’t wait! HAHAHA! Unfortunately I’ll be at school while my parents vacation without me this year- but it’s FINE! I feel FINE! And I’m not BITTER.

But I am full of an irrational and calculated hatred.
Let’s get started!

Gram 1: Line of girls on the beach, likely in a coordinated outfit and pose


Justification: These girls may look like they’re having a good time in Florida, but do they even know how America acquired Florida? Do they not care about the Treaty of Payne’s Landing? Hey Tiffany, you’re always super nice to me in chem but do you know how many casualties resulted from the Dade Massacre, or does your hair look too pretty and healthy for that? Do you and your friends even care about the persecution of the Seminole tribe? Of course not. You’re too busy enjoying a breathtaking sunset and some well-earned r&r with your closest friends. Wow.

Gram 2: Feet on a dashboard, indicating an adventure on the open road and freedom in general


Justification: Sure Karen is a free spirit and an optimistic soul, but would a good person post a picture that endorses the use of motor vehicles, air quality’s number one enemy? You know vehicle emissions are likely worsening diseases like asthma and cardiovascular disease, especially among demographics with lower immune systems right? Many scientists even believe automobiles to be a significant contributor to human-caused climate change. I didn’t realize you hate the environment, Karen. That’s why I’m happy to be spending the whole week alone in my dorm, where I emit no fossil fuels. Ha.

Gram 3: Couple kissing in front of Cinderella’s castle at Disney World


Justification: Yes this couple looks very romantic and cool at first, but how cool do they look when you realize they’re supporting a multi-billion dollar conglomerate that capitalizes on sending subliminal messages to children? Steve and Rachel may think they’re happy but that’s because they’re unaware that Disney films reinforce a heteronormative society and normalize the male gaze. That’s what my sociology professor taught me, and she has agreed to tentatively go to Glowgolf in the mall with me Saturday, so I bet you feel pretty stupid now.

Gram 4: Person chilling at home, enjoying a week of doing nothing with loved ones


Justification: This may seem sweet and chill of them to post, but I think we all know what it really means. Oh, so I’m supposed to believe your parents just wanted you to come home for the week and spend time with them? They didn’t repeatedly mention that they have plans and you’ll just have to stay at school over break, despite your dorm only being a 25 minute drive from your house? Yeah okay, you FUCKING bitch.

Gram 5: Your mom’s post from Dollywood


Justification: Dollywood has a history of being extremely problematic, as proved in many lawsuits beginning back in—Mom seriously what the hell? Why did you lie and say you didn’t have time to pick me up? Don’t you dare say it’s because you would’ve missed the Dreamland Drive-In show, I know its run doesn’t start until May. Can you guys just come back and get me? … I’ll be quiet in the back the whole ride I swear, I just want to spend time with you guys…Mom are you proud of me?

Maria Bluck is a freshman at IU, majoring in God knows what. She is a member of Midnight Snack Comedy and you can follow her on Twitter @AiramAnnie.