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February 15, 2016

When in doubt, fire a rocket launcher. 11 of the most ridiculous things form last night's 'The Walking Dead' s06e09 'No Way Out'

1) Daryl Dixon: Master Negotiator

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Aaaaand WE’RE BACK! This guy sure sounds scary with his well-rehearsed speech about chewing poop. Better do what he says! He eats pieces of shit for breakfast!

Wait, wouldn’t you not want to chew shit if you had to eat it? I only spent three or four hours last night thinking about it. ANYWHO. Just when we’re really starting to hate-like this guy, BOOM Daryl with a rocket launcher.

That was fun! Please resolve more things with rocket launchers, it’s a subtle yet impactful storytelling device. Remember when I pointed out they should’ve used Chekov’s rocket launcher at the midseason finale? The writers of this show should do more of my great ideas! I have tons of them and only 85% involve rocket launchers.

2) Adventures In Babysitting

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I wouldn’t trust Father Gabriel to take care of a pair of broken sunglasses let alone my infant child. Rick, do you not remember that this guy sucks and is also the worst? Judith doesn’t look happy about it either.

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This is not the look of a baby with confidence in her chaperone.

Oh well! Just hand over your baby to the guy who stabbed you in the back and has repeatedly proven himself to be about as useful as a pair of fake tits on a golden retriever. What could possibly go wrong?

3) Our Lady Of Hidden Glocks

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I love that Glenn just knows there’s going to be a hidden gun somewhere in this church. Sure, people hang out in churches and hide guns. Pretty much how I envision the Republican primaries. My mom got me Fallout 4 for Christmas and it was way too hard for me. I played it for a few hours and quit because I spent the whole time either dying or doing shit like this. Rummaging through a room to find a shoelace, a tin can, and a piece of broken wood. That’s not fun. I’m trying to escape my life, not start a new one that’s even harder.

4) Family Food

They just killed a whole family off in one scene. Savage. At least we don’t have to trod through the well-worn territory of one family member surviving, then moping around for half a season until they give up or get on with their life. We get it! Life is hard and loss is difficult, boo fucking hoo. Put your big-boy pants on! Also, Happy Valentine’s Day, Rick!

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What a shame. Really thought those two were going to have a long and healthy relationship based on a foundation of him murdering her husband and teaching her children about weapons. But can we take a minute to acknowledge that this is all Carol’s fault? She scared the shit out of that kid! It was also Sam’s mom’s fault for not scaring him enough. And I’m not exactly sure how he fits in, but some of the blame definitely falls on pharmaceutical kingpin Martin Shkreli. That guy just has his hands in everything these days!

5) She’s Suddenly A Good Doctor

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Remember 10 minutes ago when this doctor was looking up how to treat a splinter in her Doctoring For Dummies book? Well now she’s the best doctor in the world! Scalpel! STAT! Hastily rushed character development! STAT! This whole season has taken place over the course of two days. I did not go to medical school (shocking.) but I’m pretty sure it takes more than 48 hours to complete.

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There’s no “I” in “Team” but there’s one in “Grimes.”

At least she’s not dealing with anything too severe here, just a gunshot wound directly to the face. That’ll buff right out! Throw some Robitussin on it and call it a day.

6) Rick’s “Plan”

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Rick, leaving the house alone with an ax is not a plan. It’s actually the opposite of a plan. It is so dumb and dangerous. You can’t just go rogue because you’re pissed off, Rick! That’s how David Lee Roth’s solo career happened. But I guess Rick’s “plan” worked? In a “Hey, guys. Rick has gone completely off the deepend batshit for the 15th time since we decided he should be our leader. We should probably help him or at least watch him get eaten” kind of way. You know when you’re dating someone but they’re wrong for you but they’re fun but they’re only fun because they’re crazy? Maybe it’s time for Alexandria to try meeting other leaders.

7) Thoughts And Prayers

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Hey, look! It’s Facebook in real life! People sending thoughts and prayers is just as useful in the zombie apocalypse as it is on your timeline. Good for Father Gabriel for finally stepping up to kill zombies. It still doesn’t make up for all his nonsense, but it’s a step in the right direction. An almost insignificant step compared to his insurmountable mountain of nonsense.

8) Not This A Glenn

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Please stop making us think Glenn is about to die and then he doesn’t die. It’s a mean thing to do! They know exactly what they’re doing, too, which is why it’s so frustrating. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me six or seven more times, I swear I’m finding something else to watch on Sunday! Also, how did Sasha and Abraham manage to not hit Glenn with one of the several hundred rounds they just unloaded? And what was up with Maggie’s rescue plan? It seemed like climbing up there was doing more harm than good. You know what? I’m writing this on my day off. I don’t really feel like getting into all of it, I should be day drinking and having sandwiches get delivered to my lazy ass.

9) Couldn’t They Have Used A Match?

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Yes, I know I just said that they should resolve more conflicts on this show with a rocket launcher, but couldn’t they have just as easily used a match here? Was it really necessary for Daryl to launch one of the only rockets left in existence on Planet Earth to start this fire when simple match technology would have sufficed? And for those of you who will hop on the comments to tell me I don’t pay enough attention while watching (you’re right, btw) and the noise of the explosion was an important part of the distraction, couldn’t they have just fired their guns a bunch? Yelled? Honked a car horn? Blasted that new Kanye album? They should’ve blasted the new Kanye album! It’s really good! I like the part where he said he might still have sex with Taylor Swift one day and it’s OK to say that because he’s an artist. My old roommate Justin must be an artist too because he talks about how he might have sex with Taylor Swift one day all the time.

10) This Corny Montage

HEY, COMIC BOOK NERDS! Am I aware this super corny sequence is an homage to the comics? Yes. I’m aware! I had my friend who has never had sex explain it to me. So you really don’t need to comment and tell me I don’t appreciate this even though I know you will anyway because you know I read every single comment. Also, that annotation doesn’t make this montage any less corny. I’m starting to think they put shit like this in the show just so I have something to write about on Monday. And even though the fire pond seemed to work great (we’re all super proud of the fire pond project!), is this montage really supposed to make us believe they killed EVERY SINGLE remaining walker in town? Every single one? UGH. SURE! THEY KILLED EVERY SINGLE ONE! I BELIEVE IT BECAUSE OF THIS CORNY ASS MONTAGE! Let’s wrap this thing up, I’ve got sandwiches to order.

11) Make Alexandria Great Again

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Carl! Wake up, Carl! We’re going to make Alexandria great again! We’ll put up a wall to keep all those zombie immigrants out! And we’re going to make the walkers pay for it! We’re putting chocolate milk in all the water fountains and recess is going to be five minutes longer! Join us next week! Will Enid be into Carl now that he has a scar and chicks — especially ones like Enid — dig dudes with scars? Will Rick stub his toe and decide that means he needs to singlehandedly kill 500 walkers? What kind of sandwich will I get delivered for lunch today? I’m thinking meatball, but I’ve never been one to shy away from a good salami. None of this and more on s06e10 of The Walking Dead!