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February 03, 2011

Take a girls virginity? I'll just stick to butt-sex.

Ahhh, the female virginity. The mystery, the allure, the promise of glory. Many a man has conquered this mighty beast, and many more quest for it's ultimate magnificence and prestige.

Throughout the years, it has become almost a right of passage for young men to seek out this coveted prize. They search far and high for a willing young girl whom they can trick into acquiescing their courtship and manipulate into their bed. These brave young souls often hear tales of purity and perfection, their peers tell them fantastical stories that are almost too good to be true! Romanticized narratives of passion and delight... and upon hearing these, they are often left helpless! They yearn for the beckoning bosoms of these young maidens with cravings of biblical proportions!

I on the other hand can see behind this fantastical curtain. Taking a girls virginity is just about as cool as finding out that Justin Bieber isn't really a girl after a 3 hour makeout session and what you thought was one of the better handies you've ever received.

Although most women are nowhere near as respectable or prim as they once were during the Golden Age of Man, and many have slipped into a reality of downright debauchery (note that I didn't exactly say this was a bad thing), it is a fact that a myriad of young ladies still think of their virginity as their most prized attribute, they cherish it and do not give it up lightly.

When she does finally decide that you are her Champion, her Knight in shining armor; chosen to ride his mighty white steed into the depths of the unknown, and henceforth pluck her delicate flower from a garden of unimaginable treasures, you'd better have a loose moral code. Otherwise... in the words of Charlie Sheen "That bitch'll latch on to you for life, don't matter how much money or drugs or cases of herpes you throw at her, she'll just keep on comin' like some kind of mutant-warrior-samurai-zombie, with a lust for blood... and your dick."

First of all, what sane man would want yet another girl to cling to them for the rest of his life. She'll always remember you as her first, the one who made it so special, the man who changed her life. I don't know about you guys, but I don't think I can handle that kind of responsibility. I can't even remember how much money I stole out of her wallet that night, let alone be accountable for the most important event of her young life!  And, let's not forget she's going to tell all of her stupid friends about this.

 If I tricked her good enough she's going to be spouting garbage up the whazoo; what a gentleman I was, how romantic and gentle and sweet I made it, how it was the most beautiful experience she's ever had. Now I'm not one to turn down a little praise, but when I end up never calling her again, and proceed to upload phone-cam pictures of her tits onto facebook, these idiotic yet easily ram-shackl'able friends sure wont be slobbin my knob any time soon, nor will they reccomend my charming self to any of their other dick-happy associates. That's like a fucking six degrees of separation of girls who wont fuck me. Next thing you know, my J-Date account will have more black flags than Jared Lee Loughner at a gun club (a-thank you, a-thank you).

There are a lot of lines that I hope I never again have to cross: get anywhere past first base with a tranny, to ever again even set foot in a Dixie Stampede, attempt a fart without fully knowing I won't shit my pants, use the family computer for masturbation while my sister is only taking a light nap, and of coure, taking a girls virginity. Maybe a lot of you are better men than I, maybe you have what it takes, but me?  With Virgins? I'll just stick to butt-sex.