We continue this Bachelor Marathon Week with all the rejected contestants from this season coming back to TELL ALL. How do they feel about being rejected on national television? How do they feel about the house drama? And most importantly, how does Mad Chad feel about literally everything?? The men greet each other backstage. All but one man, who gets out of a black car and begins to menacingly whistle. MAD CHAD!!! They gave him his own celebrity trailer.
We keep checking in with a live feed of Chad’s trailer, complete with a security guard outside. Currently, Chad is tossing a sweet potato up and down while eating chunks of it. This show knows what Bachelor Nation wants.
Lord Harrison: “Jojo is the woman that drove 26 men crazy with jealousy."Kind of feel like they came into this with their crazy fully intact already… "Now she’s down to two men – Robby and Jordan, two men Jojo really loves but are total opposites."How are they opposite at ALL??? "First, let’s take a sneak peek at what promises to be the sexiest, craziest show of the summer.”
Bachelor in Paradise Preview
Chad viciously shakes a woman in the pool chanting: “I got muscles. I got money. I got muscles.”
Dick Pastor Evan ends up getting hurt for the millionth time which surprises NO ONE.
Mad Chad: “You went to sleep last night in a robe with a mimosa. Fuck you, Chris Harrison!” !!???YESSSS???!!!
Jared and Caila together so Ashley I cries?! Crazy Lace and Firefighter Grant?! Vile Nick Viall with Mom Amanda?! Dick Pastor Evan with Jubes?! Oh NO, Wells is there. He can’t be the Bachelor now that he’s been tarnished by Paradise…
Some of the BIP cast are in the Men Tell All audience including Vile Nick Viall. Lord Harrison asks if he thinks he’ll FINALLY find love through this franchise. Nick: “Anything’s possible. Even for me.”
Chris: “We’re always this close to finding you love.”
Lord Harrison moves on to the twins whom he still cannot identify. They go: “Whichever one. It doesn’t matter.” They STILL are being treated as one total human being. May this show never change.
It’s very awkward for them to answer questions as if they’re about to go to Paradise when they’ve already filmed it.
Introducing the Men
The Hipster cut his hair and now he has nothing.
Santa Nick actually looks really good with facial hair. DEREK’S GOOFY FUCKING FACE. God, I forgot all of them were from Florida.
Why would they put Damn Daniel in the back row?!
Wells is so hot. Is it now Luke vs. Chase for Bachelor? They announce Luke last so that makes me think they’re pushing for Luke.
Lord Harrison introduces a drama-filled-video to get the testosterone juices flowing again. Chris: “Well, you all lived through a season that had more highs and lows and more blood than ever.” 99% of the blood was from Dick Pastor Evan tho.
Recap of the Drama
The video starts with the guys narrating how Jojo is the best Bachelorette ever, while the camera pans up Jojo’s body, ending on her TITTAYS. That is, after all, all it takes.
This drama between Dick Pastor Evan and Mad Chad feels like years ago. They include this shot of Marine Alex in the giant chair.
Sensitive Derek in what I believe is a never-before-aired clip: “Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan have been ganging up on me, and so I want them to look like assholes on TV.”
Marine Alex starts screaming IRL: “I called it! I called it!” The video ends and Marine Alex fakes shooting a basketball into the air.
Lord Harrison asks Sensitive Derek about his drama with Alex. Derek gives a nothing answer: “There’s a lot of back-and-forth that happened between all of us and the chips kind of fell where they were going to.”
Newly hot Santa Nick jumps in and attacks Marine Alex: “You’re manipulative, you’re an instigator. Complete Napoleon complex–”
Marine Alex: “You’re just trying to get your 15 seconds?”
Wells panders: “He’s a war hero. We should all honor him… He’s lived the majority of his adult life in conflict and I think that he feels the most comfortable in conflict.”
Luke: “I was in the military too. It comes with this fight or flight, and you’re always the fighter is what you’re taught to do as a young Marine. Now when you mature, and get older, you can, you know, decide to handle yourself in a different way. You can be a mature adult, handle yourself with people with respect or you can choose to be a clown that always wants to fight everybody in the bar and fight everybody on a TV show and just fight everybody.”
Derek questions how Marine Alex shit-talked him behind closed-doors instead of his “personal motto of honesty”.
Alex: “That was a reaction based off a question of you pulling us four out!” Marine Alex tries to justify calling Sensitive Derek “an insecure little bitch.”
Chris Harrison and Bachelor Nation make this face.
Firefighter Grant to Marine Alex: “You put more energy into trying to take Chad down than you did trying to take Jojo down.”
Damn Daniel: “Every single person that’s come up to me in the last four or five weeks has said ‘these guys are the most insecure little babies’ they’ve ever come across… All they did was complain about Chad and how much they were in love with Jojo after spending five minutes with her. They saw how real Chad was and that’s why he has a lot of fans right now. He was honest and real.”
Dick Pastor Evan: “Chad is real like Donald Trump is real. What happened was Chad took a bunch of steroids before, and then came the mansion and didn’t bring them. And so he hit this wall where his hormones are like, freaking out, and like everything’s going off in his body, and it made him highly emotional.”
Sensitive Derek: “He is episodes of COPS waiting to happen.”
Wells: “We’re not talking about Chad while he’s not on this freakin’ stage. Chad’s name is like Voldemort. No more mentioning his name.”
Side note – does anyone know what bar Ali works at in Santa Monica?? Slide into my DM’s.
Other side note, Chad is eating from a meat tray while awaiting his grand entrance.
Mad Chad’s Return
Mad Chad finally emerges from his trailer. He whistles as he approaches the set, “Fuck all these dudes… Get big, Evan… Alex, little manlette, I’m gonna destroy you.” MANLETTE!!!
Chad sits down with Lord Harrison. His security guard stands by, still wearing sunglasses.
Chris Harrison: “Your stint on the show was one of the most talked about, maybe the most controversial we’ve ever had in the history of this show… first, let’s take a look at your journey on the show.”
Video of Mad Chad
Highlights include: “I’m gonna cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off, and there’s gonna be torsos, and then I’m gonna throw them in the pool,” “Have a glass of milk,” and Mad Chad’s altercation with Dick Pastor Evan.
Mad Chad reflects: “It was like a frat with these guys. And they just seemed so fake, and I think that’s why everybody hated me was because I wasn’t willing to play along… I literally couldn’t walk through the house, I could not sleep without hearing my name. And these guys 24/7 were talking about me or whispering about me… You can’t punch somebody on camera. I was actually trying to take this for real.”
Chris Harrison: “Did you want to punch somebody?
Mad Chad: "I didn’t want to punch somebody but… like, ‘What else do you do?’ You know? Maybe I should’ve punched somebody. Maybe if I punched one person they’d have been like, ‘All right, I probably shouldn’t… with this dude.”
Chris Harrison: “You said you felt like the only honest guy there.”
Mad Chad: “Yeah, I mean, at the end of the day, I mean, look at these guys. You got Chase, Vine guy, Alex, model, James, singer, Wells, radio show, Evan, dick doc, I don’t even know what the fuck you’re trying to do. That don’t even make sense. Everybody’s trying to do something in media or modeling or acting or something like that.”
Grant: “You don’t even have a job.”
Mad Chad: “Don’t make me talk about your girl, bro. Everything out of these dudes’ mouths was just bullshit. From day one, they’re all like, ‘I just want to know more about Jojo.’ I’m like, ‘You don’t even know her.’ Like, get to know her before you fall in love with her. Girls don’t want a guy that’s gonna fall in love with you from the first sight.”
James Taylor interjects, asking for clarity. Mad Chad: “Uh, James, you might want to pump your brakes there, buddy. I got dirt on you, son.” OOH!
Grant: “You can sit here with this cocky-ass smile on your face, say you got dirt on everybody, but the thing is, is that your actions after Jojo’s season speak volumes about the person that you actually are. Robby’s ex. My ex–”
Mad Chad: “Well, Daryl, he’s the deal.” Grant: “Daryl? At least get my name right.”
Chris Harrison: “Chad, back up, nobody knows what you guys are talking about.”
Mad Chad: “Her name’s Jen. This is Grant’s ex-girlfriend. This is the one, you know, he was dating her for 1.5? 2 years?”
Grant: “Uh, it was less than a year but OK.”
Chris: “So you dated Grant’s ex-girlfriend and you dated Robby’s ex-girlfriend since you’ve been on the show?”
Grant: “Out of all the girls you could go after, you go after them, like expecting a reaction from Robby and I?”
Mad Chad: “You broke up with your girlfriend to go on the show.”
Grant: “I broke up with her and then I applied to go on the show.” We’ve all agreed time is a flat circle anyways right?
Chris: “Did you know that they were their ex-girlfriends when you started dating them, or did you seek them out, did they seek you out?”
Mad Chad: “We started talking about like, ‘did they literally leave you for the show?’ And it turns out, yeah, it was true. So I kind of wanted to try and show them ‘We’re not all bad guys just because we’re on a show.’ Am I still talking to Hope? Absolutely. Am I still talking to Jen? Absolutely. I mean I’m not planning on getting married to them within three weeks or something like that, you know?… They’re both beautiful women. They both really are absolutely amazing girls. And, um, I just didn’t like the fact that some guys had screwed them over.”
Santa Nick interrupts, standing, and taking his jacket off, “This is the same egotistical asshole that we had to listen to all season.”
Damn Daniel gets in there: “Typical Americans, we have to resort to violence. Can’t we be like Canadians?”
Santa Nick: “Chad’s really good at issuing threats, all right?”
Mad Chad: “Are you just trying to get air-time right now?”
Santa Nick: “You’re a coward that sits behind empty threats! You’ve got nothing!”
Mad Chad: “You want to fight me?”
Santa Nick: “Anytime, any place, whatever.”
Chris pretends to protest: “Hold on guys, hold on.”
Mad Chad: “Good luck with your air-time there, Santa.”
Santa Nick: “You just sit there and own up to this bullshit that you created. Well, I’m right here. C'mon. Like, you want to settle this?”
Mad Chad: “You want to fight me? I’m pretty sure we should probably not do that both in dress shoes.”
Santa Nick: “You’re a coward, dude.”
Mad Chad: “We’re both gonna fall down either way. It’s just gonna look stupid. Like, think about your thoughts before you say them. We’ll deal with this later.”
Marine Alex: “He’s revealed himself to people that watch the show… If you put your energy towards a different type of cause, you could’ve been best friends with all of us if that was your priority, but it wasn’t.”
Mad Chad: “What do you expect someone to do when you got, you know, 15 or 25 guys attacking them?”
James Taylor jumps into a conversation that’s way over his head: “Jordan stuck out his hand to you and said ‘Hey!’”
Mad Chad: “That was straight bull. Do you really think that guy was trying to make friends with me?… I’m not gonna shake somebody’s fake hand. He’s pretending to be a nice person.”
Chase: “He wasn’t trying to be friends with you. He was giving you an opportunity to apologize.”
Chad: “Why would I apologize?”
Sensitive Derek: “We had an opportunity to shake hands, as well, and I tried to bury the hatchet with you, and you took the immediate opportunity to insult me.”
Chad: “No, you literally acted like I was a crazy person. You were scared of me. You moved bedrooms. I hadn’t said a single word to you at that point.”
Sensitive Derek: “Do you not recall coming back to the house and dropping like five F bombs on me, freaking out on me about moving your protein?”
Chad: “You get scared by words, bro? If you get scared by words, welcome to the real world.”
Derek: “The sad thing is you make yourself out to be this victim.”
Chad: “I don’t make myself to be the victim. I just don’t deal with your bullshit of ‘I’m Derek. I’m super sensitive’. Like, shut up, dude.”
Derek: “The reality is you hide behind these funny comments that you make–”
Chad: “Hide behind them? I just tried to mind my own business and date the girl.”
Derek: “You came up to me and you insulted me immediately.”
Chad: “After you tried to sabotage me with the girl that we’re all going for. You being like, ‘I’m scared.’”
Derek: “Everything you’ve done since this show is true to your character.”
Chad: “Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.”
Chad: “I haven’t tried to hurt anybody. All the comments that I made were away from you guys. I never once talked shit to your face until after you talked it to me. I made jokes about you to the cameras ‘cause it was funny. I never talked shit about any of you to Joelle.”
Derek: “I didn’t talk shit about you at all either.”
Chad: “You showed up and were like ‘I’m scared. Please give me a new room.”
Lord Harrison wants to shift Chad’s attacks to Alex and asks for Chad’s opinion on him.
Mad Chad: “He was just super annoying. Apparently like, there’s something that like, ‘All right, I’m a good person and he’s a bad person, so like if I just constantly say that he’s a bad person, it’ll make me that much better.’… [The Two-on-One] was amazing. I had so much fun I love him so much.”
Chris: “How surprised were you that Jojo sent you home on the two-on-one date?”
Chad: “She was just thinking like, ‘Well, if Chad’s the bad guy, I can’t have him here, 'cause I don’t want people to think that I keep the bad guy around.’”
Chris: “You threatened to like, hunt [Jordan] down and find him after the show.”
Chad: “Right, I never said what I’d do. Maybe I’ll show up to his house and bring him some candies.” FAVORITE LINE OF THE EPISODE.
Chad: “Jordan from day one, literally like, hated me. I mean like, we’d be having a conversation just like, ‘Hey, how’s your life? What do you do?’ and all this stuff. And the minute the cameras would turn on me and him, he would like look away, and it’d make it look like I was talking to nobody.”
Chris: “So you don’t think Jordan was sincere about being there?”
Chad: “Not at all. I mean, like, he’s trying to get in media. He’s already got a sportscasting job. According to his ex-girlfriend, all he wanted out of his life was to be famous.”
Chris: “What about Robby?”
Chad: “All I can say is that Robby’s not upset about me dating Hope. I know he’s threatened her… Like , ‘Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t do any interviews or I’ll come get you.’” Chad Tells All.
Grant: “You just made that up.” Chad researched all the guys, dug up dirt, linked their website URL’s to his Instagram, and fucked their exes. What more could Bachelor Nation want from our reality star?
Now Chris wants Chad to get into his problem with Dick Pastor Evan. Chad: “If you watch back after the time that I threw him or whatever, he straight up tried to knock me over. I would never have pushed the dude if he didn’t do anything.”
Chris: “You’re talking about the date with the ripped v-neck?”
Chad: “The ripped v-nizzle.”
Chris has pulled the tape. We get a play-by-play of the altercation with Evan.
Chris has the audience vote whether Evan pushed Chad and they vote that he did.
Chad: “It didn’t show how hard I almost fell… Maybe I have good balance.”
Chris: “So why punch the wall?”
Chad: “I think it was better than saying bad words.” Chris asks Evan if he poked the bear with his stand up act about steroids.
Dick Pastor Evan: “What do you do in stand-up comedy? You poke people in the audience.”
Chad: “It was terrible stand-up comedy.”
Dick Pastor Evan: “We all poked each other.” Thank you for this, Dick Pastor Evan.
Barber Vinny: “Just to see somebody go after people’s ex-girlfriends–”
Chad: “Oh believe me, they didn’t go after me. Wait, the other way around.”
Wells: “I feel bad for all these guys because the rest of the world didn’t get to see how awesome they are because we were so consumed with this black cloud.”
Chad: “I literally tried to mind my own business, date the girl. Is that not what we’re supposed to do? Are we supposed to show up and like, sing songs for 10 hours?”
Wells: “I will be the first to admit that we kind of um, Lord of the Flies-ed you and Piggy-ed you and we definitely went after you. At the end of the day it was justified. You said some really fucked up things.”
Chris: “Be honest with me, is there anything that you regret?”
Chad: “I don’t regret 99% of the things that happened. I think anybody’s gonna be mad when they’re getting shit-talked 24/7, night and day, in front of 10 million people watching television.” Chris follows up asking about the Jordan comment.
Chad: “Sometimes you choose apples when you shoulda chose pickles. You know what I mean? Like, I messed up.”
Wells then weirdly tees Chad up to have a redemptive story in Paradise. Weren’t they both on the show and he already knows whether that happened or not?
Chad says robotically: “Thank you very much for that, Wells. That means a lot to me and I love you.” Are they secretly best friends???
Chris asks what Chad’s recently diseased mother would’ve thought of him on the show.
Chad: “She would’ve thought it was hilarious. I think she would’ve loved it. I mean, she would’ve been like, ‘Maybe you shouldn’t have told the guys you’d find them at home.’”
Some people in the audience have stuffed their jewel-toned shirts into white Chadchelor t-shirts. Just for the record, I’m 1000% on board with an off-the-rails Mad Chad season but I don’t think The Bachelor HAS THE BALLS!!!!! Is this strategy going to work??
Vacant Luke’s Bachelor Pitch
Luke’s now in the hot seat. Chris calms the crazy emotions of the women in the audience: “Up close it’s not that special anyway.”
Wondering if the reason Luke’s eyes go in different directions is war-related or farm-related.
We watch a painfully boring video of Luke’s love story. Then he admits he still loves Jojo. Chris hints he should jump upon any opportunity to find love and Luke says he’s ready… ugh. I hope this doesn’t mean what I think it means.
Chase’s Bachelor Pitch
Chase re: getting dumped in the fantasy suite: “It’s gotta be a record or something."He acts like Jojo giving him the fantasy suite card was carte blanche to banging out. As if his pants were already down and she said get out. Chase tries to play up the never-told-anyone-he-loved-them-before. It’s kind of working. Maybe he has a shot.
Lord Harrison asks if Chase actually regrets telling Jojo he loved her and Chase says no.
Jojo Faces Ex-Beaus
Jojo takes her place in the Hot Seat: “John, I like the kilt.” I’m pretty sure the only reason he was allowed to join MTA is that he agreed to wear it.
First, she addresses her breakup with Luke: “That was the first goodbye that I did where I didn’t know if I had made a mistake or not.”
Luke: “If I had been more direct about telling you how much I loved you earlier, would that have made a difference that night or at any point?”
Jojo: “You kept saying that you were falling for me or that my heart was yours but you never said the word love. Words of affirmation, that’s how I feel love. That’s how I feel safe enough to give my heart to somebody.” This feels kinda nitpicky of Jojo… Jojo: “I was worried that on that last night that maybe you were acting impulsively.”
Luke: “That’s how I knew that I really loved you is I just wanted you to be happy.”
Chase: “Can I come up there?” Nice play, Chase!
Chase: “If you didn’t feel the love that I felt then why did you give me that fantasy suite card?” So reminds me of a lesser version of Vile Nick Viall asking Andi if she didn’t love him then why did she MAKE LOVE TO HIM.
Jojo: “I was crazy about you… When you told me you loved me, I for some reason felt anxious… I didn’t have that clarity and I think maybe I found it at the wrong time.”
Chase: “I know there’s no good time to do that.”
CHAD IS EATING.
James Taylor then tries to make some weird comparison of going on The Bachelor to social media/online dating apps.
Mad Chad: “Can I talk? Can I say words?… Robby broke up with his girlfriend days before filming in order to be on the show with you. And we both know Jordan is a liar, cheater, whose own older brother won’t even talk to him.” He even gets his dirt in on the final two guys who aren’t even there.
Chad: “So I do wish you the best of luck in all your relationship endeavors."Chad you are a blessing and a gift.
Jojo: “I could go off right now. He’s not even worth my time. He loves the attention and we’re giving it to him so he’s not even worth my breath.”
The guys give her a standing ovation.
Jojo: “I’m so grateful you guys treated me with so much respect, outside of Chad.”
Santa Nick says some stupid compliments to Jojo. They already put him on way too much.
Marine Alex: “I didn’t really feel at the time like I was happy that you didn’t want me, you know?… I’m glad that you’re actually strong enough to know exactly what you wanted… I couldn’t say this to you then ‘cause I was numb.” Chad is laughing.
Sensitive Derek brings up how everyone
thought knew he was a pussy because of Jojo announcing she was giving him reassurance: “I rewound the tape to make sure that I didn’t ask for any type of reassurance. Um, would you change the use of that word now that you’ve seen how that kind of got twisted and spun out?”
Wow, Derek. Way to show that you are SO MASCULINE AND CONFIDENT AFTER ALL. Jojo basically says sure, whatever you need me to say to fix your masculinity issues.
Barber Vinny complains to Jojo that she cancelled one of the cocktail parties in Uruguay because he didn’t have the last minute chance to plead his case that she should keep him despite him looking like a leprechaun on meth.
Someone from the audience interrupts. It’s Vinny’s Mom. She says, “You said you wanted the greatest guy. There he was.”
Jojo: “Vinny was probably like, my best friend in the house.” Vinny’s Mom screams out to Bachelor Nation that he’s still single in case ANYONE was worried about that.
The bloopers are entirely animal-related, making me suspect that Jojo is actually as boring as the show has made her appear.
It is hilarious that Jojo was motor-boated by a unicorn though.
Upcoming Scenes: Jojo trying to decide if she should go with her obvious number one, A-Ro-Bro, or settle with Robby, the sure thing.
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase