Full Credits

Stats & Data

3Funny
0Die
850
Views
August 01, 2016
Published
Description

The slighted men return to face Jojo and each other.

We continue this Bachelor Marathon Week with all the rejected contestants from this season coming back to TELL ALL. How do they feel about being rejected on national television? How do they feel about the house drama? And most importantly, how does Mad Chad feel about literally everything?? The men greet each other backstage. All but one man, who gets out of a black car and begins to menacingly whistle. MAD CHAD!!! They gave him his own celebrity trailer.

Screen Shot 2016-07-29 at 11.03.16 AM.png

We keep checking in with a live feed of Chad’s trailer, complete with a security guard outside. Currently, Chad is tossing a sweet potato up and down while eating chunks of it. This show knows what Bachelor Nation wants.

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.31.59 PM.png

Gotta get in your Russet reps.

Lord Harrison: “Jojo is the woman that drove 26 men crazy with jealousy."Kind of feel like they came into this with their crazy fully intact already… "Now she’s down to two men – Robby and Jordan, two men Jojo really loves but are total opposites."How are they opposite at ALL??? "First, let’s take a sneak peek at what promises to be the sexiest, craziest show of the summer.”

Bachelor in Paradise Preview

Chad viciously shakes a woman in the pool chanting: “I got muscles. I got money. I got muscles.”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.36.34 PM.png

Dick Pastor Evan ends up getting hurt for the millionth time which surprises NO ONE.

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.37.11 PM.png

Mad Chad: “You went to sleep last night in a robe with a mimosa. Fuck you, Chris Harrison!” !!???YESSSS???!!!

Jared and Caila together so Ashley I cries?! Crazy Lace and Firefighter Grant?! Vile Nick Viall with Mom Amanda?! Dick Pastor Evan with Jubes?! Oh NO, Wells is there. He can’t be the Bachelor now that he’s been tarnished by Paradise…

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.36.22 PM.png

Lace has clearly gotten her mental health together and is ready to find love again.

Some of the BIP cast are in the Men Tell All audience including Vile Nick Viall. Lord Harrison asks if he thinks he’ll FINALLY find love through this franchise. Nick: “Anything’s possible. Even for me.”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.41.54 PM.png

I bet he somehow gets second place in Paradise even though I don’t know how that’s possible.

Chris: “We’re always this close to finding you love.”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.42.06 PM.png

Just like you’re THIS CLOSE to being a non-sociopath.

Lord Harrison moves on to the twins whom he still cannot identify. They go: “Whichever one. It doesn’t matter.” They STILL are being treated as one total human being. May this show never change.

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.42.35 PM.png

It doesn’t matter. We’re interchangeable. If we keep milking this ½ a human being thing, maybe we can finally move out of our Mom’s house.

It’s very awkward for them to answer questions as if they’re about to go to Paradise when they’ve already filmed it.

Introducing the Men

The Hipster cut his hair and now he has nothing.

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.43.53 PM.png

Santa Nick actually looks really good with facial hair. DEREK’S GOOFY FUCKING FACE. God, I forgot all of them were from Florida.

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.44.00 PM.png

Why would they put Damn Daniel in the back row?!

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.44.06 PM.png

This is a STAR, PEOPLE!!!

Wells is so hot. Is it now Luke vs. Chase for Bachelor? They announce Luke last so that makes me think they’re pushing for Luke.

Lord Harrison introduces a drama-filled-video to get the testosterone juices flowing again. Chris: “Well, you all lived through a season that had more highs and lows and more blood than ever.” 99% of the blood was from Dick Pastor Evan tho.

Recap of the Drama

The video starts with the guys narrating how Jojo is the best Bachelorette ever, while the camera pans up Jojo’s body, ending on her TITTAYS. That is, after all, all it takes.

This drama between Dick Pastor Evan and Mad Chad feels like years ago. They include this shot of Marine Alex in the giant chair.

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.46.08 PM.png

Just in case this show hasn’t painted him as a short clown enough.

Sensitive Derek in what I believe is a never-before-aired clip: “Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan have been ganging up on me, and so I want them to look like assholes on TV.”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.47.45 PM.png

They’ve been ganging up on me so I want to make them look like assholes on TV. That leaked video of Justin Bieber peeing in someone’s shoes? Those were MY shoes. No one bullies Derek and gets away with it.

Marine Alex starts screaming IRL: “I called it! I called it!” The video ends and Marine Alex fakes shooting a basketball into the air.

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.48.21 PM.png

Aw, he thinks he has won something.

Lord Harrison asks Sensitive Derek about his drama with Alex. Derek gives a nothing answer: “There’s a lot of back-and-forth that happened between all of us and the chips kind of fell where they were going to.”

Newly hot Santa Nick jumps in and attacks Marine Alex: “You’re manipulative, you’re an instigator. Complete Napoleon complex–”

Marine Alex: “You’re just trying to get your 15 seconds?”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.48.56 PM.png

You’re like, if a Napoleon complex had a Napoleon complex!

Wells panders: “He’s a war hero. We should all honor him… He’s lived the majority of his adult life in conflict and I think that he feels the most comfortable in conflict.”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.49.23 PM.png

We have to honor Marine Alex even if he’s lost his mind in war and now attacks everyone, not just the bad guys.

Luke: “I was in the military too. It comes with this fight or flight, and you’re always the fighter is what you’re taught to do as a young Marine. Now when you mature, and get older, you can, you know, decide to handle yourself in a different way. You can be a mature adult, handle yourself with people with respect or you can choose to be a clown that always wants to fight everybody in the bar and fight everybody on a TV show and just fight everybody.”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.49.52 PM.png

I was in the military too. *Waits for applause.* As you age, you have the option of turning from a psychopathic clown into a mature, vacant adult.

Derek questions how Marine Alex shit-talked him behind closed-doors instead of his “personal motto of honesty”.

Alex: “That was a reaction based off a question of you pulling us four out!” Marine Alex tries to justify calling Sensitive Derek “an insecure little bitch.”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.50.50 PM.png

“Insecure little bitch” was just a standard call and response!

Chris Harrison and Bachelor Nation make this face.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 10.53.10 AM.png

Firefighter Grant to Marine Alex: “You put more energy into trying to take Chad down than you did trying to take Jojo down.”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.51.21 PM.png

I’ve heard that straight dudes refer to making love with women as “taking them down?”

Damn Daniel: “Every single person that’s come up to me in the last four or five weeks has said ‘these guys are the most insecure little babies’ they’ve ever come across… All they did was complain about Chad and how much they were in love with Jojo after spending five minutes with her. They saw how real Chad was and that’s why he has a lot of fans right now. He was honest and real.”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.54.47 PM.png

Everyone in the past few weeks has told me you all are insecure little babies. And they’re Canadian. So for them, that’s basically like calling you all MotherF***ing Sh*tBuckets!!!

Dick Pastor Evan: “Chad is real like Donald Trump is real. What happened was Chad took a bunch of steroids before, and then came the mansion and didn’t bring them. And so he hit this wall where his hormones are like, freaking out, and like everything’s going off in his body, and it made him highly emotional.”

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.54.59 PM.png

He’s like super-villain Donald Trump. He has the best words and he drives the best ratings, but he’s completely unqualified for the position he’s going for. Why doesn’t anyone see it?!

Sensitive Derek: “He is episodes of COPS waiting to happen.”

Wells: “We’re not talking about Chad while he’s not on this freakin’ stage. Chad’s name is like Voldemort. No more mentioning his name.”

Side note – does anyone know what bar Ali works at in Santa Monica?? Slide into my DM’s.

Other side note, Chad is eating from a meat tray while awaiting his grand entrance.

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.56.35 PM.png

Mad Chad’s Return

Mad Chad finally emerges from his trailer. He whistles as he approaches the set, “Fuck all these dudes… Get big, Evan… Alex, little manlette, I’m gonna destroy you.” MANLETTE!!!

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.56.58 PM.png

Chad sits down with Lord Harrison. His security guard stands by, still wearing sunglasses.

Chris Harrison: “Your stint on the show was one of the most talked about, maybe the most controversial we’ve ever had in the history of this show… first, let’s take a look at your journey on the show.”

Video of Mad Chad

Highlights include: “I’m gonna cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off, and there’s gonna be torsos, and then I’m gonna throw them in the pool,” “Have a glass of milk,” and Mad Chad’s altercation with Dick Pastor Evan.

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 11.59.20 PM.png

Mad Chad reflects: “It was like a frat with these guys. And they just seemed so fake, and I think that’s why everybody hated me was because I wasn’t willing to play along… I literally couldn’t walk through the house, I could not sleep without hearing my name. And these guys 24/7 were talking about me or whispering about me… You can’t punch somebody on camera. I was actually trying to take this for real.”

Chris Harrison: “Did you want to punch somebody?

Mad Chad: "I didn’t want to punch somebody but… like, ‘What else do you do?’ You know? Maybe I should’ve punched somebody. Maybe if I punched one person they’d have been like, ‘All right, I probably shouldn’t… with this dude.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.01.20 AM.png

Maybe if they’d let me punch just ONE person the guys would totally have stopped talking shit about me.

Chris Harrison: “You said you felt like the only honest guy there.”

Mad Chad: “Yeah, I mean, at the end of the day, I mean, look at these guys. You got Chase, Vine guy, Alex, model, James, singer, Wells, radio show, Evan, dick doc, I don’t even know what the fuck you’re trying to do. That don’t even make sense. Everybody’s trying to do something in media or modeling or acting or something like that.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.01.51 AM 1.png

Everyone was trying to get famous except me. I’m so not into being famous. Yuck!

Grant: “You don’t even have a job.”

Mad Chad: “Don’t make me talk about your girl, bro. Everything out of these dudes’ mouths was just bullshit. From day one, they’re all like, ‘I just want to know more about Jojo.’ I’m like, ‘You don’t even know her.’ Like, get to know her before you fall in love with her. Girls don’t want a guy that’s gonna fall in love with you from the first sight.”

James Taylor interjects, asking for clarity. Mad Chad: “Uh, James, you might want to pump your brakes there, buddy. I got dirt on you, son.” OOH!

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.02.48 AM.png

Pump the breaks there, James Taylor II. I know all about the tone-deaf child you lock in your basement to write all those corny songs about Jojo for you.

Grant: “You can sit here with this cocky-ass smile on your face, say you got dirt on everybody, but the thing is, is that your actions after Jojo’s season speak volumes about the person that you actually are. Robby’s ex. My ex–”

Mad Chad: “Well, Daryl, he’s the deal.” Grant: “Daryl? At least get my name right.”

Chris Harrison: “Chad, back up, nobody knows what you guys are talking about.”

Mad Chad: “Her name’s Jen. This is Grant’s ex-girlfriend. This is the one, you know, he was dating her for 1.5? 2 years?”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.03.46 AM.png

He was leading her on for 1.5 years? 2 years?

Grant: “Uh, it was less than a year but OK.”

Chris: “So you dated Grant’s ex-girlfriend and you dated Robby’s ex-girlfriend since you’ve been on the show?”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.04.29 AM.png

So let me get this straight, you’ve dated two of the guys’ ex-girlfriends and counting? And you passed our basic psychological tests to get on the show?

Grant: “Out of all the girls you could go after, you go after them, like expecting a reaction from Robby and I?”

Mad Chad: “You broke up with your girlfriend to go on the show.”

Grant: “I broke up with her and then I applied to go on the show.” We’ve all agreed time is a flat circle anyways right?

Chris: “Did you know that they were their ex-girlfriends when you started dating them, or did you seek them out, did they seek you out?”

Mad Chad: “We started talking about like, ‘did they literally leave you for the show?’ And it turns out, yeah, it was true. So I kind of wanted to try and show them ‘We’re not all bad guys just because we’re on a show.’ Am I still talking to Hope? Absolutely. Am I still talking to Jen? Absolutely. I mean I’m not planning on getting married to them within three weeks or something like that, you know?… They’re both beautiful women. They both really are absolutely amazing girls. And, um, I just didn’t like the fact that some guys had screwed them over.”

Santa Nick interrupts, standing, and taking his jacket off, “This is the same egotistical asshole that we had to listen to all season.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.05.17 AM.png

Santa Nick comes to the rescue. He’s not the hero we asked for or deserve but here he is.

Damn Daniel gets in there: “Typical Americans, we have to resort to violence. Can’t we be like Canadians?”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.05.29 AM.png

Can’t we be like Canadian me? Just hide up Chad’s butt and then slink off once he’s gone?

Santa Nick: “Chad’s really good at issuing threats, all right?”

Mad Chad: “Are you just trying to get air-time right now?”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.05.49 AM.png

Are you just trying to get air-time right now? So lame, brah. I don’t even want any air-time they just keep shoving it on me.

Santa Nick: “You’re a coward that sits behind empty threats! You’ve got nothing!”

Mad Chad: “You want to fight me?”

Santa Nick: “Anytime, any place, whatever.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.05.51 AM.png

Anytime, any place, any amount of clothes, any TV channel covering us, any Christmas-themed music playing in the background you want, whatever.

Chris pretends to protest: “Hold on guys, hold on.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.05.37 AM.png

Wait… please… stop…

Mad Chad: “Good luck with your air-time there, Santa.”

Santa Nick: “You just sit there and own up to this bullshit that you created. Well, I’m right here. C'mon. Like, you want to settle this?”

Mad Chad: “You want to fight me? I’m pretty sure we should probably not do that both in dress shoes.”

Santa Nick: “You’re a coward, dude.”

Mad Chad: “We’re both gonna fall down either way. It’s just gonna look stupid. Like, think about your thoughts before you say them. We’ll deal with this later.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.06.39 AM.png

The only reason I won’t fight you right now is my slippery dress shoes. But believe me, you’d be on the floor RIGHT NOW if I were in my sneaks.

Marine Alex: “He’s revealed himself to people that watch the show… If you put your energy towards a different type of cause, you could’ve been best friends with all of us if that was your priority, but it wasn’t.”

Mad Chad: “What do you expect someone to do when you got, you know, 15 or 25 guys attacking them?”

James Taylor jumps into a conversation that’s way over his head: “Jordan stuck out his hand to you and said ‘Hey!’”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.07.48 AM.png

Mad Chad: “That was straight bull. Do you really think that guy was trying to make friends with me?… I’m not gonna shake somebody’s fake hand. He’s pretending to be a nice person.”

Chase: “He wasn’t trying to be friends with you. He was giving you an opportunity to apologize.”

Chad: “Why would I apologize?”

Sensitive Derek: “We had an opportunity to shake hands, as well, and I tried to bury the hatchet with you, and you took the immediate opportunity to insult me.”

Chad: “No, you literally acted like I was a crazy person. You were scared of me. You moved bedrooms. I hadn’t said a single word to you at that point.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.08.31 AM.png

Sensitive Derek: “Do you not recall coming back to the house and dropping like five F bombs on me, freaking out on me about moving your protein?”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.08.37 AM.png

Do you not recall breaking several plates over my head, calling me a ‘son of a b-word’ because I touched one of the meat trays?

Chad: “You get scared by words, bro? If you get scared by words, welcome to the real world.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.08.48 AM.png

You get scared by words, bro? Words have never done shit to nobody.

Derek: “The sad thing is you make yourself out to be this victim.”

Chad: “I don’t make myself to be the victim. I just don’t deal with your bullshit of ‘I’m Derek. I’m super sensitive’. Like, shut up, dude.”

Derek: “The reality is you hide behind these funny comments that you make–”

Chad: “Hide behind them? I just tried to mind my own business and date the girl.”

Derek: “You came up to me and you insulted me immediately.”

Chad: “After you tried to sabotage me with the girl that we’re all going for. You being like, ‘I’m scared.’”

Derek: “Everything you’ve done since this show is true to your character.”

Chad: “Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.09.39 AM.png

How can I even respond to you with your pocket square looking like that? Sick joke.

Chad: “I haven’t tried to hurt anybody. All the comments that I made were away from you guys. I never once talked shit to your face until after you talked it to me. I made jokes about you to the cameras ‘cause it was funny. I never talked shit about any of you to Joelle.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.10.25 AM.png

I said it to Bachelor Nation and not Joelle so it’s FIIIINE.

Derek: “I didn’t talk shit about you at all either.”

Chad: “You showed up and were like ‘I’m scared. Please give me a new room.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.11.04 AM.png

Lord Harrison wants to shift Chad’s attacks to Alex and asks for Chad’s opinion on him.

Mad Chad: “He was just super annoying. Apparently like, there’s something that like, ‘All right, I’m a good person and he’s a bad person, so like if I just constantly say that he’s a bad person, it’ll make me that much better.’… [The Two-on-One] was amazing. I had so much fun I love him so much.”

Chris: “How surprised were you that Jojo sent you home on the two-on-one date?”

Chad: “She was just thinking like, ‘Well, if Chad’s the bad guy, I can’t have him here, 'cause I don’t want people to think that I keep the bad guy around.’”

Chris: “You threatened to like, hunt [Jordan] down and find him after the show.”

Chad: “Right, I never said what I’d do. Maybe I’ll show up to his house and bring him some candies.” FAVORITE LINE OF THE EPISODE.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.11.34 AM 1.png

Maybe I was going to bring him some candies, maybe I was going to bring a bunch of roid-rage-filled-Tulsan realtors to beat him up, WE’LL NEVER KNOW!

Chad: “Jordan from day one, literally like, hated me. I mean like, we’d be having a conversation just like, ‘Hey, how’s your life? What do you do?’ and all this stuff. And the minute the cameras would turn on me and him, he would like look away, and it’d make it look like I was talking to nobody.”

Chris: “So you don’t think Jordan was sincere about being there?”

Chad: “Not at all. I mean, like, he’s trying to get in media. He’s already got a sportscasting job. According to his ex-girlfriend, all he wanted out of his life was to be famous.”

Chris: “What about Robby?”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.12.05 AM.png

Soooo what’s the dirt on Robby?

Chad: “All I can say is that Robby’s not upset about me dating Hope. I know he’s threatened her… Like , ‘Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t do any interviews or I’ll come get you.’” Chad Tells All.

Grant: “You just made that up.” Chad researched all the guys, dug up dirt, linked their website URL’s to his Instagram, and fucked their exes. What more could Bachelor Nation want from our reality star?

Now Chris wants Chad to get into his problem with Dick Pastor Evan. Chad: “If you watch back after the time that I threw him or whatever, he straight up tried to knock me over. I would never have pushed the dude if he didn’t do anything.”

Chris: “You’re talking about the date with the ripped v-neck?”

Chad: “The ripped v-nizzle.”

Chris has pulled the tape. We get a play-by-play of the altercation with Evan.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.14.16 AM.png

As you can clearly see, my V-nizzle was accosted!

Chris has the audience vote whether Evan pushed Chad and they vote that he did.

Chad: “It didn’t show how hard I almost fell… Maybe I have good balance.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.14.22 AM.png

And here’s the point at which I weirdly got supes hard.

Chris: “So why punch the wall?”

Chad: “I think it was better than saying bad words.” Chris asks Evan if he poked the bear with his stand up act about steroids.

Dick Pastor Evan: “What do you do in stand-up comedy? You poke people in the audience.”

Chad: “It was terrible stand-up comedy.”

Dick Pastor Evan: “We all poked each other.” Thank you for this, Dick Pastor Evan.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.16.15 AM.png

We all poked EACH OTHER. MUTUAL POKAGE. K?

Barber Vinny: “Just to see somebody go after people’s ex-girlfriends–”
Chad: “Oh believe me, they didn’t go after me. Wait, the other way around.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.16.52 AM.png

Wait, the other way around. The right way that makes me look good.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.17.36 AM.png

Oh, I’m such a silly Chadsicle.

Wells: “I feel bad for all these guys because the rest of the world didn’t get to see how awesome they are because we were so consumed with this black cloud.”

Chad: “I literally tried to mind my own business, date the girl. Is that not what we’re supposed to do? Are we supposed to show up and like, sing songs for 10 hours?”

Wells: “I will be the first to admit that we kind of um, Lord of the Flies-ed you and Piggy-ed you and we definitely went after you. At the end of the day it was justified. You said some really fucked up things.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.18.20 AM.png

Yeah, we Piggy-ed you. Crushed you with a boulder, shattered your conch shell, knocked you off a cliff, and then threw spears at you. But it was justified!

Chris: “Be honest with me, is there anything that you regret?”

Chad: “I don’t regret 99% of the things that happened. I think anybody’s gonna be mad when they’re getting shit-talked 24/7, night and day, in front of 10 million people watching television.” Chris follows up asking about the Jordan comment.

Chad: “Sometimes you choose apples when you shoulda chose pickles. You know what I mean? Like, I messed up.”

Wells then weirdly tees Chad up to have a redemptive story in Paradise. Weren’t they both on the show and he already knows whether that happened or not?

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.19.18 AM.png

Paradise would be the perfect setting for a Chad-Redemption story right? And for a Chad-Wells-bromance story as well?

Chad says robotically: “Thank you very much for that, Wells. That means a lot to me and I love you.” Are they secretly best friends???

Chris asks what Chad’s recently diseased mother would’ve thought of him on the show.

Chad: “She would’ve thought it was hilarious. I think she would’ve loved it. I mean, she would’ve been like, ‘Maybe you shouldn’t have told the guys you’d find them at home.’”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.20.13 AM.png

Maybe she would have suggested not threatening to hunt down and kill other contestants… Idk.

Some people in the audience have stuffed their jewel-toned shirts into white Chadchelor t-shirts. Just for the record, I’m 1000% on board with an off-the-rails Mad Chad season but I don’t think The Bachelor HAS THE BALLS!!!!! Is this strategy going to work??

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.20.38 AM.png

Vacant Luke’s Bachelor Pitch

Luke’s now in the hot seat. Chris calms the crazy emotions of the women in the audience: “Up close it’s not that special anyway.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.21.45 AM.png

Ladies! PLEASE keep it in your pants!

Wondering if the reason Luke’s eyes go in different directions is war-related or farm-related.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.23.20 AM.png

We watch a painfully boring video of Luke’s love story. Then he admits he still loves Jojo. Chris hints he should jump upon any opportunity to find love and Luke says he’s ready… ugh. I hope this doesn’t mean what I think it means.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.25.47 AM.png

So what you’re saying, is you’re kind of like the ultimate, hot, under-dog that Bachelor Nation could get behind in a journey to find love, right?

Chase’s Bachelor Pitch

Chase re: getting dumped in the fantasy suite: “It’s gotta be a record or something."He acts like Jojo giving him the fantasy suite card was carte blanche to banging out. As if his pants were already down and she said get out. Chase tries to play up the never-told-anyone-he-loved-them-before. It’s kind of working. Maybe he has a shot.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 11.42.36 AM.png

Yeah, haven’t looked it up but prettyyyy sure it’s a record for bluest balls in Bachelor history…

Lord Harrison asks if Chase actually regrets telling Jojo he loved her and Chase says no.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 11.42.58 AM.png

My people tell me I should say no here.

Jojo Faces Ex-Beaus

Jojo takes her place in the Hot Seat: “John, I like the kilt.” I’m pretty sure the only reason he was allowed to join MTA is that he agreed to wear it.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 11.52.36 AM.png

I totes know who the weird Asian dude from night one who wore a kilt is.

First, she addresses her breakup with Luke: “That was the first goodbye that I did where I didn’t know if I had made a mistake or not.”

Luke: “If I had been more direct about telling you how much I loved you earlier, would that have made a difference that night or at any point?”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 11.56.20 AM.png

If I had learned the word ‘love’ earlier would that have helped?

Jojo: “You kept saying that you were falling for me or that my heart was yours but you never said the word love. Words of affirmation, that’s how I feel love. That’s how I feel safe enough to give my heart to somebody.” This feels kinda nitpicky of Jojo… Jojo: “I was worried that on that last night that maybe you were acting impulsively.”

Luke: “That’s how I knew that I really loved you is I just wanted you to be happy.”

Chase: “Can I come up there?” Nice play, Chase!

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 11.58.16 AM.png

You did dump me in the Fantasy Suite so I think we can all agree you owe me a kinda-too-sexual hug.

Chase: “If you didn’t feel the love that I felt then why did you give me that fantasy suite card?” So reminds me of a lesser version of Vile Nick Viall asking Andi if she didn’t love him then why did she MAKE LOVE TO HIM.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 11.58.47 AM.png

Jojo: “I was crazy about you… When you told me you loved me, I for some reason felt anxious… I didn’t have that clarity and I think maybe I found it at the wrong time.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.00.10 PM.png

Chase: “I know there’s no good time to do that.”

CHAD IS EATING.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.00.26 PM.png

James Taylor then tries to make some weird comparison of going on The Bachelor to social media/online dating apps.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.01.54 PM.png

If Farmers Only is a thing, the Bachelor isn’t weird to go on, OK?!

Mad Chad: “Can I talk? Can I say words?… Robby broke up with his girlfriend days before filming in order to be on the show with you. And we both know Jordan is a liar, cheater, whose own older brother won’t even talk to him.” He even gets his dirt in on the final two guys who aren’t even there.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.02.41 PM.png

We both know you ended up with one of the two most garbage people in Bachelor Nation.

Chad: “So I do wish you the best of luck in all your relationship endeavors."Chad you are a blessing and a gift.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.02.37 PM.png

But I do wish the bestest of luck in your dating endeavors with those two fame-whore sociopaths.

Jojo: “I could go off right now. He’s not even worth my time. He loves the attention and we’re giving it to him so he’s not even worth my breath.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.02.51 PM.png
Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.03.12 PM.png

The guys give her a standing ovation.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.03.22 PM.png

Jojo: “I’m so grateful you guys treated me with so much respect, outside of Chad.”

Santa Nick says some stupid compliments to Jojo. They already put him on way too much.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.04.52 PM.png

I’ve just gotta interject to tell you you look hot. I know America was waiting with baited breath for this reunion moment.

Marine Alex: “I didn’t really feel at the time like I was happy that you didn’t want me, you know?… I’m glad that you’re actually strong enough to know exactly what you wanted… I couldn’t say this to you then ‘cause I was numb.” Chad is laughing.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.05.18 PM.png

I wasn’t super stoked that like, you weren’t attracted to my shitty personality despite not being sexually attracted to me, you know?

Sensitive Derek brings up how everyone thought knew he was a pussy because of Jojo announcing she was giving him reassurance: “I rewound the tape to make sure that I didn’t ask for any type of reassurance. Um, would you change the use of that word now that you’ve seen how that kind of got twisted and spun out?”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.06.36 PM.png

Um, do you regret saying that word that the guys interpreted the correct way?

Wow, Derek. Way to show that you are SO MASCULINE AND CONFIDENT AFTER ALL. Jojo basically says sure, whatever you need me to say to fix your masculinity issues.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.02.16 PM 1.png

Um, I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.

Barber Vinny complains to Jojo that she cancelled one of the cocktail parties in Uruguay because he didn’t have the last minute chance to plead his case that she should keep him despite him looking like a leprechaun on meth.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.11.28 PM.png

Someone from the audience interrupts. It’s Vinny’s Mom. She says, “You said you wanted the greatest guy. There he was.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.12.12 PM.png

Vinny’s Mom has so little faith in her son’s hair-cutting abilities that she has never even gotten a haircut before.

Jojo: “Vinny was probably like, my best friend in the house.” Vinny’s Mom screams out to Bachelor Nation that he’s still single in case ANYONE was worried about that.

Bloopers

The bloopers are entirely animal-related, making me suspect that Jojo is actually as boring as the show has made her appear.

It is hilarious that Jojo was motor-boated by a unicorn though.

Screen Shot 2016-08-01 at 12.14.26 PM 1.png

Upcoming Scenes: Jojo trying to decide if she should go with her obvious number one, A-Ro-Bro, or settle with Robby, the sure thing.

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

Jojo Bangs Beaus: A Recap of The Bachelorette Fantasy Suites

Jojo Meets Beaus’ Folks: A Recap of The Bachelorette Hometowns Week

Jojo Goochos Beaus: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 6

Jojo Tangos Beaus: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 5

Jojo Talks Ex with Beaus: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 4

Jojo’s Beaus Throw Down: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 3, PART 2

Jojo Talks Mojo With Beaus: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 3, PART 1

Jojo Hoses Beaus: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 2

Jojo Meets Beaus: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 1

The Bachelorette Preview: Jojo’s Beaus

Advertisement
Advertisement