or

6. Your boyfriend just got out of a coma. You never mentioned him before because it was only a light coma and not a big deal. Anyway, he woke up and sent you roses. Then he slipped into a deeper, unrelated coma. And you don’t want to talk about it ever again.

5. Your high school boyfriend bought a ten-year value pack. You’ve got, like, three more of these coming.

4. Your boyfriend is in the witness protection program for uncovering a global child-boxing syndicate. You and he are not supposed to interact in public. He’s putting his life in grave danger by sending these flowers. Boy, you can’t wait to scold-fuck him at the grotto later tonight.

3. You have no idea! Must be a secret admirer. Who could it be? This is crazy, right? Could it be someone in the office? Let’s all make a big thing about it!

2. You don’t gotta explain shit. People need to mind their own damn business.

1. You sent them to yourself. There, you said it. Is it sad? Yes. Is it pathetic? Maybe. But where did these chocolates come from? Holy shit! A 24-piece Godiva truffle assortment! Want some?

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