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November 12, 2008


 Once upon a time I had a girlfriend who lived in Crichton Ontario Canada.  We she gave me her address I had no idea where it is.  So I did basically what ever nerd does and Google mapped it.  Google told me to go fuck myself.  I had to use a good old fashion real map to find it.  Turns out Crichton Ontario is right beside Narnia.

    After 3 hours of driving I finally find her house in the middle of nowhere.  What I am trying to say is… There are miles of cornfield all around and her house is in the center of it all.  I didn’t want to drive up the driveway because the driveway was full of mud.  So I parked my car on the side of the road and took a short cut through the cornfield.  Big mistake, because as I was walking to the house they’re these Velociraptor sneaking up behind me. True story I swear.  Anyways, I notice my shoe was untied so I bent down to tie my shoe and these two Raptors came jumping at me from both sides.  (Remember in Jurassic Park Raptors attack from the sides.) Lucky I was bent down because these Raptors ended up head budding each other.  I was like “Holy Crap,” so I run like the wind.  Eventually I made it to her house and my girlfriend is standing outside with a shotgun in her hands and she says to me “Come with me if you want to live.”  Here I am behind her crapping cinderblocks and she is just blasting the Raptors heads right off.  Blood is going everywhere and I have my hands over my ears and I am crying like a bitch.  We both run inside and close the door.  These raptors must have been watching Jurassic Park because they learned how to open doors.  My girlfriend takes a grenade and blows off the front side of the house.  Finally after thirty minutes the mayhem comes to a stop and she looks at me with blood smeared on her face and says “let’s go for a walk.” 

    Before for I go on I must note that I have no use of my right arm, so it is basically useless, retarded, gimp, or as doctors call it Cerebral Palsy.  Anyways where was I?  We go for a walk and I wanted to hold her hand but she didn’t want to hold my left (good) hand she wanted to hold my right (bad) hand.  She enjoyed holding it a bit too much because she was like, “Oh my god look at it squish around it is like silly putty.”  At this point she takes my hand and puts it into a newspaper and I pull away.  Sure enough on the palm of my right hand is an entire article of how Obama won the election. When she was done having fun with my right hand we ended up going back to her place.

    As we got back to her place we watched E.T. Sure enough right at the part where the flowers die and Michael yells “NOOOOO!!!!” Niagara Falls comes out of my eyes.  After sixteen tissue boxes later we pop in another movie Fantastic Four.  After that movie was done we were having some fantastic four play.  She didn’t want to be pleasured by my good hand she wanted to be pleasured by bad hand.  It drove her wild; her eyes went to the back of her head faster than George Carlin’s courpse. (Too soon? Too soon?) If I have any advice to give guys it would be, get Cerebral Palsy it is the shizz nits.