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July 23, 2011

What a relief to find out that the nearly 100 people killed in Norway by a terrorist wasn't Islamic fundamentalist-related!

imageThe world breathed a sigh of relief today when it was revealed that the man arrested for yesterday’s bomb attack in Oslo and the massacre at a youth camp near Oslo was a Christian fundamentalist with ties to right-wing organizations.

After the incidents concern was widespread that the terrorists responsible were some crazy middle-easterny Muslim guys, but thankfully, this turned out not to be the case.

The man’s identity was not confirmed by the police but the Norwegian press reported that Anders Behring Breivik was Norwegian, 32 years old, a Christian fundamentalist with extreme right-wing views.

There is no evidence that the attacks, which combined have caused nearly 100 deaths and many more injuries, has any links to terrorism as practiced by Al-Qaeda or similar groups. Breivik is not known to associate with radical Islamists, fundamentalists or other weird, bearded, swarthy people who wear funny hats and like to scream slogans and burn American and Israeli flags.

“It comes as a tremendous relief,” said White House spokesman Gent Gazzey in a press briefing earlier today, “that Norwegian authorities confirmed with the State department a few minutes ago that yesterday’s terrorist attacks were merely the work of a paranoid, Nordic-looking wingnut wack job and not some camel-jockey type with four wives dressed like ninjas.”

A very audible sigh swept through the press briefing room, as well as some light applause from the gathered reporters.

NATO official Renard Spaas, speaking to reporters in Brussels, Belgium said that the incident proves that western efforts to curb terrorist threats from Islamists in Europe and America are working.

“Clearly,” said Spaas, “the fact that this unprecedented massacre and the near- assassination of the Norwegian Prime Minister was orchestrated by a crazed light-haired and light-complected rightist religious lunatic is a triumph for our various and combined efforts to combat Islamist terrorism in the first world. The whole of Europe, America and the industrialized world can rest assured that they are safe from foreign and foreign-looking people with really long beards who speak one of those scary-sounding languages and aren’t fond of Scandinavian political cartoons.”

British Premier David Cameron’s office released a statement expressing the government's relief that this was the work of a “Timothy McVeigh type,” unlike the “7/7 attackers.” The report did not mention that the explosion McVeigh was responsible for in Oklahoma City killed three times as many people as the terrorists behind the 7/7/2005 attacks by Islamists in London.

In America, ordinary citizens are likewise relieved.

“Wow, that’s a load off,” said architect Benny Giardi of Philadelphia, speaking to a reporter as he headed to work. “Just some Jesus-freak loon mowing down people like video-game targets for no reason rather than some weird fuck in a turban, which would have been really bad.

Hey, and what’s the deal with those wild beards those guys wear? They really look kinda freaky.”