I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting pretty tired of the powers-that-be telling me what day to associate with humping. Some Wednesdays I’m just not feeling it. Heck, I remember the last time it was Wednesday – yesterdayish – I didn’t even want to think about humping. Today, though – innocent, doe-eyed Thursday – you come within striking distance, expect to get humpstruck. I’m waiting for the police to get back to me, but I’m pretty sure that’s considered fair warni… Nope, Just heard back. Not fair warning at all. Even with a clearly defined striking distance. Well, then, I don’t know what to tell you. Besides, this is what people mean when they say the law protects the bad guys. I’m sick with the humpies and being treated like a criminal!
As discovered by scientists and romance novelists alike, the humpies originate in the area grossly referred to as the loins. We know the loins serve this purpose because we know the loins serve no other purpose, and loins is too gross a word to exist without any purpose whatsoever. If you’re wondering if the sensation you’re feeling is of the hump variety, thus pinpointing the location of your loins, ask yourself if it equates to a three-alarm brush fire at the root of your pubes. If not, you probably just gotta use the bathroom.
I don’t need to tell you guys what burning loins feel like. I still will, because it’s all I can think about, but I don’t need to. Your body temperature rises with a rush of testosterone; pheromones are plainly aromatic; your carnal appetite borders on ravenous; and the slightest touch against your skin sends a quaking pulse throughout your body. The mere scent of feminine flesh makes your mouth foam and your teeth itch…
…Guys, totally sorry about this. My doctor just called. It turns out I have rabies. No humpies after all. Ignore everything I said; . Unless, of course, you’re experienced these symptoms; in which case you should get tested immediately. If there’s one thing we can learn from all this it’s that the loins are bullshit. They make you either rabid with lust or rabid with rabies. If there’s two thing we can learn from all this, also include that you should only hump on Wednesdays, for fear of rabies. And never question it. If it isn’t asking too much to learn a third thing, it’s to always be careful to differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate forms of petting. Love animals the right way, y’all!
My name is Ben and I can turn anything into a teachable moment.