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November 26, 2010

The prestigious school - T.I.T.- has released new research findings.

Here are some interesting findings that recently came out of the Theistic Institute of Technology (TIT).

Praying does not work any better when you scrunch your face up.  A double blind, peer reviewed study found that prayers are more likely to be answered if the faithful shift their eyes from left to right at 3 second intervals. An unexpected finding from the study shows that God is 3 times less likely to respond if you are wearing the color yellow. Churches, synagogues, and mosques have immediately banned the color.

Miracles happen most frequently between 5AM-5:35AM.  God is an early riser. However, the Devil works primarilly at night. The data clearly shows that even though you may get a miracle if you are up early enough you will have much more fun when the sun goes down.

TIT researcher Floyd Merryweather proves that rocks are hard and water is wet. After many years of prayer on this issue Dr. Merryweather decided to get rid of his collection of lucky yellow boxers and get up at 5AM. Promptly at 5:05AM God revealed that water is indeed wet and rocks are hard. When asked what research he plans to do next Dr. Merryweather stated, "I plan to fast and pray on the eternal question: Is ice cold?"

Fundamentalists of ALL religions are correct. Contrary to popular belief as well as rhyme and reason Christian, Islamic, Hindu, and Jewish faiths along with radical right wing versions of all other religions are true. It's important to note that each creed is 100% true and no interpretation is needed. One simply needs to read the text and take it from there. In the discussion section of the study the TIT scientists propose that God is just f*cking with us all.

Eating shellfish will corrode your immortal soul. In a victory for observant Jews, Rabbi Laitman has discovered that shellfish contains the rare element absurdium. Absurdium has been proven to oxidize the liquid vitale that resides in the pineal gland. By degrading the liquid vitale the soul can no longer interact with the body appropriately. Symptoms of this malady includes watching Jersey Shore and/or being a member of the Tea Party.