The third season of Bachelor Pad premiered on Monday night, and I'm confused why any other TV show even exists anymore because nothing will ever be as good. Just stop, Game of Thrones. You're embarrassing yourself.
In case you're too busy watching garbage shows like Louie or Breaking Bad to know anything about television's finest, Bachelor Pad is a reality show that pits the broken-hearted rejects of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette against each other in a competition to win a $250,000 cash prize, and also maybe a friend with benefits, or, at the very least, an over-the-pants-hand-job. And here are the top ten reasons you should be watching:
10. EVERYONE IS EITHER A PSYCOPATH OR CRIMINALLY DUMB
The big players on the psycopath side are a 34-year-old former VIP Cocktail Waitress who cries when her teammate - not even her boyfriend, just her teammate, who she met one day ago - kisses another girl, and this guy:
On the criminally stupid side, our leaders are some TWIIIIIIIIIIIIINS, who are so vapid and the worst that I hope their parents don't own a television so they will never witness their daughters going skinny-dipping with the OTHER big contributor to the Criminally Dumb side, this guy:
who has a dicknose and an inferiority complex so big that if it applied itself, could one day become a superiority complex. Also, that guy is an MMA fighter. Also he looks like Squidward.
9. UNRIVALED CATTINESS
Early on in the Bachelor Pad premiere, there is already some drama. Blakeley, the 34 year old former VIP Cocktail Waitress, thinks Jaclyn, a pathologically unpleasant sock puppet, is her best friend but Jaclyn hates Blakeley WOWEE ZOWEE! Jaclyn asks Rachel what she should do, and Rachel says "kill her with kindness," which leads to this exchange, in which what is SAID is this:
But what is MEANT is this:
Within twenty minutes of arriving at the mansion, Ed is drunk enough that he can't speak or sit still, and he almost immediately strips and jumps into the pool like a Sim at its birthday party.
7. IT'S BETTER THAN THE NEWSROOM
It is. It's legitimately better than The Newsroom. This isn't like earlier when I was joking about it being better than Louie or Breaking Bad. Remember that? LOL!
6. THIS GUY WATCHES BACHELOR PAD WHEN HE'S NOT ON BACHELOR PAD
This is SWAT, one of the fans that ABC threw into the mix this season. SWAT loves The Bachelor franchise so much that after a long day of SWATing, he comes home to put on his old-timey pajamas, pour himself a glass of red wine, and watch The Bachelor with a look on his face that in no way suggests he will one day kidnap Ben Flajnik and marry him in a ceremony attended by only the stuffed bodies of the contestants from this season of Bachelor Pad!
5. ONE OF THE GUYS LOOKS LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU WERE MAKING A WAX FIGURE OF GERARD BUTLER BUT SOMEBODY ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED BISQUICK IN THE MOLD SO YOU GOT A PANCAKE VERSION OF GERARD BUTLER, AND ALSO, LOOK AT HOW DRUNK HE IS:
4. IN THE PREVIEW OF WHAT HAPPENS LATER IN THE SEASON, THEY TRY TO MAKE US THINK THAT SOMEONE ATTEMPTS TO MURDER SOMEBODY ELSE
I hope they let that trash can live! It was just in the wrong place at the wrong time!
3. LINDZI PUT ON EVEN MORE MAKE-UP, AND WON'T IT BE INTERESTING TO SEE IF THROUGHOUT THE SEASON SHE PUTS ON EVEN MORE MAKE-UP?
2. THIS GUY'S RUNNING COMMENTARY
This is Michael Stagliano, who won the last season of Bachelor Pad with his partner and ex-fiance, Holly, who dumped him during Bachelor Pad and started hooking up with a guy who is now her husband YIIIIIKES! Michael Stagliano is back in the saddle for Bachelor Pad 3, and his cocky, handsy explanations of how everyone else sucks at the game are pretty priceless.
1. BACHELOR PAD IS A FASCINATINGLY SCHIZOPHRENIC PIECE OF TRASH
Let's be honest: Bachelor Pad is just an excuse for the Criminally Dumb and Psycopathic rejects from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette to get insanely wasted and then try to scheme against each other as they compete in ridiculous challenges and use sex to trick people into short-lived alliances. BUT! Because it is on ABC and hosted by Chris Harrison, they have to pretend that Bachelor Pad is something more than the boozey, lying, manipulative stepchild of their candy sweet wife competitions. So there are A LOT of hamfisted references to "finding love", as if the ultimate purpose of Bachelor Pad is actually providing these unstable famewhores with an opportunity to find their soulmate, and also maybe stab their soulmate in the back for a shot at a quarter million dollars IF THEY WANT TO.
All these shoehorned love analogies lead to challenges like this week's, in which one man and one woman have to stay as long as they can in a heart-shaped prison and try not to FALL OUT OF LOVE (see what they did there?)
MONDAYS AT 8PM ON ABC!