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From Issue #007 of The Occasional

It seems like everyone has a cell phone nowadays. Everyone except grandmas. Grandmas never like to listen to their grandsons about what’s good for them. I once suggested that my grandmother get a crew cut and she called me an idiot. Howie Long has a crew cut and he’s on TV because of it! But I guess wanting your grandma to look like Howie Long is a “crazy idea” from a grandson who “lives in a treehouse” and has been “trying to shave my head for years.”

Up until a couple years ago, cell phones were only for drug dealers and high schoolers that could freeze time. But in recent years, they’ve changed the way the general public lives. Before cell phones, we had to memorize peoples’ names. That seems hard. If I had it my way, everyone would be named Greg and we’d either call them “Hot Greg” or “Ugly Greg.” If you’re around a bunch of people then they’d all be “Hot Greg”, “Ugly Greg”, “Hotter-er Greg,” or “Uglier Greg.” It’s pretty simple. Just keep adding “-ers”. 

It’s hard to imagine life without cell phones. I asked my dad how people used to communicate, and he said they had actual conversations. He said some more stuff, but I stopped listening. I have this pretty cool fart app on my phone and I wanted to make it look like his mouth was farting while he talked. He got pretty mad at me, but that’s nothing new. I’ve pretty much crashed like all of his cars. I’m not a bad son, I just have zero respect for his things.

Here are three ways that cell phones have made our lives better:

1). Don’t have to think about death. Cell phones are a great distraction from our inevitable demise. Every time we start to think about death we can just pull out our phone and throw some birds at pigs, or text racial slurs to one of our co-workers. Anything that keeps us from thinking about the fact that we’re either thrown in a hole or burned when we die.

2). Sexting. Sexting makes sending someone a picture of your dick really easy. Before cell phones, if you wanted to show someone your dick you had to cut it off and put it in their mailbox. It was kind of a one and done type of thing. Now you can send thirty dick pics a day to anyone you want. Even your college roommate, you know, as a goof. Just remember to include “JK LOL.” “JK LOL” pretty much gives you free rein to be a homo.

3). Friends. Having friends used to be such a big commitment. So much so that it almost wasn’t worth having any. For example, when I was a kid I had this friend who had cancer. He made me go to the stupid hospital all the time, even when it was sunny out. If cell phones were around, I wouldn’t have had to go to the hospital. I could have just texted him “How’s your brain?”, or written “Can I have your bike?” on his Facebook wall. Now, thanks to cell phones, it’s possible to be friends with someone without ever having to see them. I like that because friendship should ultimately be about convenience.

In conclusion, I think cell phones are a great technological advancement. Probably the best one there’s been. Unless you count “strike anywhere” matches. Those are boss. They’re probably the best way to look cool while burning turtles down at the pond. At least that’s what all the bratty kids who hang out there tell me. Though they think everything I do is cool. That’s because I can drive a car, buy beer, and grow a mustache. It’s easy to be cool when you’re an adult who hangs around kids. Plus, if they make fun of you, you can just beat them up. You can also beat them up even if they don’t make fun of you. That’s your choice as an adult.


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